From the Athletic. My fav is Izzo getting a game ball for...
By Rustin Dodd, Matthew Fairburn and Jayson Jenks
Bill Belichick has been called many things during his 22 seasons as the Patriots coach: a genius, a grouch, the GOAT. But funny? Just wait until you read the stories from 15 of his former players …
Ross Tucker, offensive lineman: He’s definitely an asshole. And he’s definitely hilarious.
Zoltan Mesko, punter: Like a legit comedian.
Josh Miller, punter: Everyone in the locker room will tell you he’s one of the funniest dudes you’ll ever meet.
Jed Weaver, tight end: Onterrio Smith … got caught with the Whizzinator in his bag. He was the running back from Minnesota. But Bill is reading the article: “It says here that he didn’t know he had a fake dick in his bag because one of his friends put it in there before he got on the plane. So all you fucking assholes, when you’re coming back for training camp, make sure you check your bag before you get on your plane. Make sure none of your buddies put a fake dick in your bag.”
Dane Fletcher, linebacker: Dude, he’s dry as shit, but he’s hilarious.
Je-Rod Cherry, safety: I believe loquacious is the right word. The man can talk. And the man can cuss like nobody else.
Miller: He could MF you and make you laugh, which, to me, is a talent.
Shea McClellin, linebacker: We’re watching film as a team. A guy’s on the ground, he slips or trips or whatever, and he’d be like: “Look at this fucking guy. He’s down here looking for Easter eggs.”
Terrell Buckley, cornerback: It would be hilarious — if he wasn’t talking to you.
Chad Brown, linebacker: We’re at minicamp. I can’t remember where the guy was from — Clemson or Texas A&M or something — and he’s telling Bill about some guy at his school who was a senior. He was telling him how fast the guy was going to run the L drill. So Bill, as he’s literally turning away from this player who’s recommending that Bill draft his college teammate, goes: “Well, as soon as we run the fucking L-drill play, that’s the guy I’ll look for.” It encompassed everything about Bill.
Miller: One funny story after another.
Weaver: A couple fumbled snaps in practice, and it’s like: “We can’t even get a fucking center-quarterback exchange. I can go to fucking Attleboro High School and find two fucking guys who can get that shit done.”
Miller: It’s fun — at gunpoint.
Cherry: He just had a way, man.
Mesko: He’s really good at situational coaching.
Rich Ohrnberger, offensive lineman: Pizza Friday was what we called Friday practices. It was supposed to be an easy, breezy practice. You’re running through the offense, running through the defense and on special teams we would have a “replacement” drill.
Marc Edwards, fullback: He’d be like, “Matt Light was taking a shit in pregame and pulled his abdomen so he’s out. Who’s the backup field-goal guard?”
Ohrnberger: And he’d blow the whistle and then all of the sudden the right guard who was on the field would be sprinting off the field. So you had to study the depth chart and know if somebody got hurt that you were the next guy in. And God forbid if you fucking messed that up. He’d be like, “Noooo, it’s OK. We’ll wait on you. I’m sure it will be fucking fiiiine if we’re missing our right fucking guard on field goal protection. OK? We’ll just go ahead and block their 11 with our 10 and we’ll see how it goes. OK?”
Mesko: He knows it’s funny.
Ohrnberger: I’m an easy laugh. So if he said something funny, I’d laugh and wouldn’t be able to control it, and he’d be like, “Oh good, is that fucking funny to you Ohrnberger?” I’d be like, “No, no, Coach, no, that is not funny, this is very serious.” The team would laugh, and he’d be like, “Yeah, OK, it IS pretty fucking serious because back in 2007 in the AFC Championship game the fucking Indianapolis Colts blah blah blah.” And he’d be recalling things!
Miller: I have a million stories.
Mesko: He was like, “Alright, Zoltan, you’re kicking this one out of bounds. There’s 15 seconds left to go. Just punt it out of bounds.” Usually it’s like a 30-yard punt is fine. This time, I’m going for an optimal 50-plus-yard punt and I nail it. Julian Edelman is back there like tiptoeing the line. He catches it and stumbles out of bounds. It’s like a 53-yard punt. Belichick stops the whole practice. He’s like, “Why the hell did he catch it?” And I was like, “Yeah, but he’s out of bounds, he stumbled out of bounds.” He’s like, “I don’t give a fuck.” I’m like, “Yeah, yeah,” and I’m shrugging my shoulders. Everyone is staring at me and him, and he’s like: “I forgot more football yesterday than you’ll never know so don’t talk to me about this stuff.”
Miller: The Super Bowl for me is my all-time. Here’s the best coach in the world. Hands down. And we had such a funny moment. In Jacksonville, in 2004. The night before, I’m not religious, but I prayed to god. “Listen God, I don’t even care if we lose, just don’t make me be the reason. Just get me a decent game. And if we win, fantastic, but if not, I understand, just don’t let me be the thing that people see for the next 20 years.” So here I am, with 20 seconds left on the field, and there’s timeout after timeout after timeout. I’m sitting there on the field like: “Jesus, this is not where I want to be right now.” So it was a long timeout, Belichick says, “Miller, come here.” I’m like, “What’s up, Coach?” He’s like, “Listen, just get rid of the ball. I don’t care where it goes.” I’m like, “OK, fantastic, easy enough, I’ll do that.” I’m running back onto the field. He’s like, “Miller, come here. If you can get it inside the 10, that’s obviously what we’re looking for.” I’m like, “OK.” And as I’m running out, he’s like, “Forget it, listen, just get rid of the effing ball, please. Josh, don’t drop it.” I’m like, “Don’t drop it? That’s what you tell me?” He was like, “Yeah, that was dumb.”
Mesko: It was 2012, the year J.J. Watt was just swatting people’s passes. He had so many batted balls. We’re playing them and he’s like, “Alright, Zoltan, come over here after special teams.” I get in the defensive huddle. It’s 7-on-7 so there’s no linemen there. He’s like, “Here, take these two tennis rackets and I want you to hit Brady’s ball into the stands if you can. I don’t care.” So I’m jumping up and touching like 12 feet and swatting Brady like 10 yards when I could.
Fletcher: It was really pissing Brady off.
Mesko: Man, when I got him, Belichick was crying on the inside, like tears of joy. Brady would be like, “Zoltan, please don’t knock this one down.” Belichick was like, “No, no, I’m going to pay you 100 bucks every time you swat that ball.”
Fletcher: It got to the point where Brady would pay $150 not to do it because Brady was getting so pissed.
Mesko: And Belichick paid up after every practice. He came with the cash.
Mekso: The rookie show.
Brown: It’s taken pretty serious there, and the expectation is for it to be very funny.
Miller: That’s just how you bring a team together. He loved that.
Brown: In the 2007 season, the rookies put together a rookie show and it wasn’t very funny. He said, “You guys are going to have to come in an hour earlier to come up with something funny.” So they did it again, and it wasn’t very funny. So they had to come in an hour earlier. These guys are coming in at like 4 in the morning, trying to come up with something funny. They’re recruiting the video department to come up with some visuals for them. Before they do their third attempt at the rookie show, Bill gets up and goes: “OK, we’ve got the rookie show.” He turns to all the rookies and goes: “It better be fucking funny. Because I might not let you guys leave tonight.”
Mesko: Not to pat myself on the back, I had been called up like three or four times during the rookie show. I was the de facto, “OK, if we can’t make him laugh, you do your Borat thing.”
Orhnberger: Zoltan was great in front of the crowd.
Mesko: I was running out of material and had to dig deep. It was bad. I was talking about Giselle and I was talking about Bill O’Brien’s chin looking like great cleavage. And then Belichick, at that time, had a Volvo hatchback. I got up there and called it NOT a p—- magnet, like from Borat. People were just roaring. He’s turning all red and then the room is quiet after I sit down and he goes: “The last player that made fun of my Volvo I cut.”
By Rustin Dodd, Matthew Fairburn and Jayson Jenks
Bill Belichick has been called many things during his 22 seasons as the Patriots coach: a genius, a grouch, the GOAT. But funny? Just wait until you read the stories from 15 of his former players …
Ross Tucker, offensive lineman: He’s definitely an asshole. And he’s definitely hilarious.
Zoltan Mesko, punter: Like a legit comedian.
Josh Miller, punter: Everyone in the locker room will tell you he’s one of the funniest dudes you’ll ever meet.
Jed Weaver, tight end: Onterrio Smith … got caught with the Whizzinator in his bag. He was the running back from Minnesota. But Bill is reading the article: “It says here that he didn’t know he had a fake dick in his bag because one of his friends put it in there before he got on the plane. So all you fucking assholes, when you’re coming back for training camp, make sure you check your bag before you get on your plane. Make sure none of your buddies put a fake dick in your bag.”
Dane Fletcher, linebacker: Dude, he’s dry as shit, but he’s hilarious.
Je-Rod Cherry, safety: I believe loquacious is the right word. The man can talk. And the man can cuss like nobody else.
Miller: He could MF you and make you laugh, which, to me, is a talent.
Shea McClellin, linebacker: We’re watching film as a team. A guy’s on the ground, he slips or trips or whatever, and he’d be like: “Look at this fucking guy. He’s down here looking for Easter eggs.”
Terrell Buckley, cornerback: It would be hilarious — if he wasn’t talking to you.
Chad Brown, linebacker: We’re at minicamp. I can’t remember where the guy was from — Clemson or Texas A&M or something — and he’s telling Bill about some guy at his school who was a senior. He was telling him how fast the guy was going to run the L drill. So Bill, as he’s literally turning away from this player who’s recommending that Bill draft his college teammate, goes: “Well, as soon as we run the fucking L-drill play, that’s the guy I’ll look for.” It encompassed everything about Bill.
Miller: One funny story after another.
Weaver: A couple fumbled snaps in practice, and it’s like: “We can’t even get a fucking center-quarterback exchange. I can go to fucking Attleboro High School and find two fucking guys who can get that shit done.”
Miller: It’s fun — at gunpoint.
Cherry: He just had a way, man.
Mesko: He’s really good at situational coaching.
Rich Ohrnberger, offensive lineman: Pizza Friday was what we called Friday practices. It was supposed to be an easy, breezy practice. You’re running through the offense, running through the defense and on special teams we would have a “replacement” drill.
Marc Edwards, fullback: He’d be like, “Matt Light was taking a shit in pregame and pulled his abdomen so he’s out. Who’s the backup field-goal guard?”
Ohrnberger: And he’d blow the whistle and then all of the sudden the right guard who was on the field would be sprinting off the field. So you had to study the depth chart and know if somebody got hurt that you were the next guy in. And God forbid if you fucking messed that up. He’d be like, “Noooo, it’s OK. We’ll wait on you. I’m sure it will be fucking fiiiine if we’re missing our right fucking guard on field goal protection. OK? We’ll just go ahead and block their 11 with our 10 and we’ll see how it goes. OK?”
Mesko: He knows it’s funny.
Ohrnberger: I’m an easy laugh. So if he said something funny, I’d laugh and wouldn’t be able to control it, and he’d be like, “Oh good, is that fucking funny to you Ohrnberger?” I’d be like, “No, no, Coach, no, that is not funny, this is very serious.” The team would laugh, and he’d be like, “Yeah, OK, it IS pretty fucking serious because back in 2007 in the AFC Championship game the fucking Indianapolis Colts blah blah blah.” And he’d be recalling things!
Miller: I have a million stories.
Mesko: He was like, “Alright, Zoltan, you’re kicking this one out of bounds. There’s 15 seconds left to go. Just punt it out of bounds.” Usually it’s like a 30-yard punt is fine. This time, I’m going for an optimal 50-plus-yard punt and I nail it. Julian Edelman is back there like tiptoeing the line. He catches it and stumbles out of bounds. It’s like a 53-yard punt. Belichick stops the whole practice. He’s like, “Why the hell did he catch it?” And I was like, “Yeah, but he’s out of bounds, he stumbled out of bounds.” He’s like, “I don’t give a fuck.” I’m like, “Yeah, yeah,” and I’m shrugging my shoulders. Everyone is staring at me and him, and he’s like: “I forgot more football yesterday than you’ll never know so don’t talk to me about this stuff.”
Miller: The Super Bowl for me is my all-time. Here’s the best coach in the world. Hands down. And we had such a funny moment. In Jacksonville, in 2004. The night before, I’m not religious, but I prayed to god. “Listen God, I don’t even care if we lose, just don’t make me be the reason. Just get me a decent game. And if we win, fantastic, but if not, I understand, just don’t let me be the thing that people see for the next 20 years.” So here I am, with 20 seconds left on the field, and there’s timeout after timeout after timeout. I’m sitting there on the field like: “Jesus, this is not where I want to be right now.” So it was a long timeout, Belichick says, “Miller, come here.” I’m like, “What’s up, Coach?” He’s like, “Listen, just get rid of the ball. I don’t care where it goes.” I’m like, “OK, fantastic, easy enough, I’ll do that.” I’m running back onto the field. He’s like, “Miller, come here. If you can get it inside the 10, that’s obviously what we’re looking for.” I’m like, “OK.” And as I’m running out, he’s like, “Forget it, listen, just get rid of the effing ball, please. Josh, don’t drop it.” I’m like, “Don’t drop it? That’s what you tell me?” He was like, “Yeah, that was dumb.”
Mesko: It was 2012, the year J.J. Watt was just swatting people’s passes. He had so many batted balls. We’re playing them and he’s like, “Alright, Zoltan, come over here after special teams.” I get in the defensive huddle. It’s 7-on-7 so there’s no linemen there. He’s like, “Here, take these two tennis rackets and I want you to hit Brady’s ball into the stands if you can. I don’t care.” So I’m jumping up and touching like 12 feet and swatting Brady like 10 yards when I could.
Fletcher: It was really pissing Brady off.
Mesko: Man, when I got him, Belichick was crying on the inside, like tears of joy. Brady would be like, “Zoltan, please don’t knock this one down.” Belichick was like, “No, no, I’m going to pay you 100 bucks every time you swat that ball.”
Fletcher: It got to the point where Brady would pay $150 not to do it because Brady was getting so pissed.
Mesko: And Belichick paid up after every practice. He came with the cash.
Mekso: The rookie show.
Brown: It’s taken pretty serious there, and the expectation is for it to be very funny.
Miller: That’s just how you bring a team together. He loved that.
Brown: In the 2007 season, the rookies put together a rookie show and it wasn’t very funny. He said, “You guys are going to have to come in an hour earlier to come up with something funny.” So they did it again, and it wasn’t very funny. So they had to come in an hour earlier. These guys are coming in at like 4 in the morning, trying to come up with something funny. They’re recruiting the video department to come up with some visuals for them. Before they do their third attempt at the rookie show, Bill gets up and goes: “OK, we’ve got the rookie show.” He turns to all the rookies and goes: “It better be fucking funny. Because I might not let you guys leave tonight.”
Mesko: Not to pat myself on the back, I had been called up like three or four times during the rookie show. I was the de facto, “OK, if we can’t make him laugh, you do your Borat thing.”
Orhnberger: Zoltan was great in front of the crowd.
Mesko: I was running out of material and had to dig deep. It was bad. I was talking about Giselle and I was talking about Bill O’Brien’s chin looking like great cleavage. And then Belichick, at that time, had a Volvo hatchback. I got up there and called it NOT a p—- magnet, like from Borat. People were just roaring. He’s turning all red and then the room is quiet after I sit down and he goes: “The last player that made fun of my Volvo I cut.”
