Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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Soldier is stationed in Morocco, he writes home to his wife...

Dear Sweetheart

I miss you and love you, but if I don't get home pretty soon, I'm going to have to start buying something.

Love you
Sam

Wife writes back...

Dear Sweetheart

I miss and love you too, but if you don;t send some money home pretty soon, I'm going to have to start selling something.

Love you
Sue
 
A man is sitting at the bar completely shitfaced when he pukes down of the front of his shirt.

“Oh, my God! Oh, my God!”, he slurs, “My wife is gonna kill me!”

The bartender, seeing the man in distress steps over and asks what the problem is.

“You, you, you…don't understand. My, my, my wife just bought me this shirt and it’s very, very, very expensive.”

The bartender, having some expertise in this area, asks the man if he has a $10 bill.

He says that he does, and the bartender continues.
“Here's what you do. You take that $10 and put it in your shirt pocket. When your wife asks what happened, that's when you take out the $10 and explain to her the guy next to you threw up on you and gave you the money to get it dry cleaned.

The man staggers home and sure enough, the wife is waiting for him at the door and, noticing the chunkage running down her husband's shirt is, as predicted, indeed pissed.

The man launches into his pre-rehearsed speech,
“Wait, wait…this wasn't my fault. I can explaaain…”

At this point he pulls two $10 dollar bills out of his pocket and waves them at his wife before continuing.
“It was the guy next to me. It's his puke and he gave me $10 to get it dry cleaned.

The wife almost went for it but asked him about the other $10 bill.

“Oh, that", he replied, “He also took a shit in my pants!”
 
It is the snow that never ends.
It just goes on and on, my friend.
some people started shoveling
not knowing what it was.
and they just keep on shoveling forever just because

It is the snow that never ends.
It just goes on and on, my friend.
some people started shoveling
not knowing what it was.
and they just keep on shoveling forever just because . . . :sad95:

Et Cetera
 
For the Senior Set:

A group of old buddies decided they should have an annual reunion lunch. Taking suggestions for the right restaurant to visit, one old timer says, "Hey, I know! Let's go to the Ocean View Restaurant since they have the sexy waitresses with the low cut uniforms."

Next reunion rolls around and one fellow says, "Hey, I know! Let's go to the Ocean View Restaurant since they have a heart-healthy menu and a good wine list."

Deciding on where to go for their next reunion, old dude says, "Hey! I know! Let's go to the Ocean View Restaurant since they have good wheelchair access and hand rails in the mens' room"

Taking suggestions for their next luncheon, one member says, "Hey! I know! Let's go to the Ocean View Restaurant since we've never been there before!"

:homer:
If you don't get it, wait a couple more years and you will.
 
oldbagfan said:
For the Senior Set:

A group of old buddies decided they should have an annual reunion lunch. Taking suggestions for the right restaurant to visit, one old timer says, "Hey, I know! Let's go to the Ocean View Restaurant since they have the sexy waitresses with the low cut uniforms."

Next reunion rolls around and one fellow says, "Hey, I know! Let's go to the Ocean View Restaurant since they have a heart-healthy menu and a good wine list."

Deciding on where to go for their next reunion, old dude says, "Hey! I know! Let's go to the Ocean View Restaurant since they have good wheelchair access and hand rails in the mens' room"

Taking suggestions for their next luncheon, one member says, "Hey! I know! Let's go to the Ocean View Restaurant since we've never been there before!"

:homer:
If you don't get it, wait a couple more years and you will.
Click to expand...
I got it before but now I forget.
 
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?""No, what?""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.The monkey found a cherry on the bar.He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?""No, what?" asked the man."Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his ass, then he pulled them out and ate them!""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy."He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
 
Leave Detroit. Head due south. What is the first foriegn country you encounter?
Which end of the Panama Canal is farther West, the Pacific end or the Gulf of America end?
Which is farther West, Virginia or West Virginia?
Which is farther North, Ireland or Northern Ireland?
If you can answer these questions, you have the IQ of Marilyn Vos Savant.
(not Really, :rofl: )
 
Last edited:
BostonTim said:
Leave Detroit. Head due south. What is the first foriegn country you encounter?
Which end of the Panama Canal is further West, the Pacific end or the Gulf of America end?
Which is farther West, Virginia or West Virginia?
Which is forther North, Ireland or Northern Ireland?
If you can answer these questions, you have the IQ of Marilyn Vos Savant.
(not Really, :rofl: )
Click to expand...
lol @ Gulf of America
 
@chevss454 @Muse
The year is 2028, and the United States has just elected the first woman from Alabama as president.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father and says, “So, Daddy, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so,” he replies. “It’s a 16-hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry, Daddy,” she says. “I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up. A limousine will take you from your door.”

“I don’t know,” he says. “Everyone will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, Daddy,” she replies, “I’ll make sure she has a beautiful gown, custom made by the best designer in Washington.”

“Sweetheart,” he continues, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like.”

“Don’t worry,” she says. “The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I’ll make sure your meals are salt-free. I really want you to come.”

So the father reluctantly agrees.

On January 20th, 2029, the first woman from Alabama is sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sit her mother and father.

The father leans over to the Supreme Court Justice next to him and whispers, “You see that woman up there, hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”

“Yes,” the Justice replies.

The father says proudly, “Her brother played football for the University of Alabama.”
 
HSanders said:
@chevss454 @Muse
The year is 2028, and the United States has just elected the first woman from Alabama as president.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father and says, “So, Daddy, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so,” he replies. “It’s a 16-hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry, Daddy,” she says. “I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up. A limousine will take you from your door.”

“I don’t know,” he says. “Everyone will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, Daddy,” she replies, “I’ll make sure she has a beautiful gown, custom made by the best designer in Washington.”

“Sweetheart,” he continues, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like.”

“Don’t worry,” she says. “The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I’ll make sure your meals are salt-free. I really want you to come.”

So the father reluctantly agrees.

On January 20th, 2029, the first woman from Alabama is sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sit her mother and father.

The father leans over to the Supreme Court Justice next to him and whispers, “You see that woman up there, hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”

“Yes,” the Justice replies.

The father says proudly, “Her brother played football for the University of Alabama.”
Click to expand...
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


LOVE
 
HSanders said:
@chevss454 @Muse
The year is 2028, and the United States has just elected the first woman from Alabama as president.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father and says, “So, Daddy, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so,” he replies. “It’s a 16-hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry, Daddy,” she says. “I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up. A limousine will take you from your door.”

“I don’t know,” he says. “Everyone will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, Daddy,” she replies, “I’ll make sure she has a beautiful gown, custom made by the best designer in Washington.”

“Sweetheart,” he continues, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like.”

“Don’t worry,” she says. “The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I’ll make sure your meals are salt-free. I really want you to come.”

So the father reluctantly agrees.

On January 20th, 2029, the first woman from Alabama is sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sit her mother and father.

The father leans over to the Supreme Court Justice next to him and whispers, “You see that woman up there, hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”

“Yes,” the Justice replies.

The father says proudly, “Her brother played football for the University of Alabama.”
Click to expand...
That is plain HI-LARIOUS!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
The Mighty Norse God of thunder came to earth, He spotted an inconceivably beautiful fourteen year old girl. He had to have her. He took her. When done he arose, pounded on his chest. and thundered I Am Thor!. The young girl replied Tho am I!
 
Rough night for Kevin Hart. Tom Brady was the best part of Kevin's Hart's roast.

Not even close to as good as Brady's.
 
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