Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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For the ladies:

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
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As most women do, I like to take extra time to ensure great hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
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So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
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I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said,
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"My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
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I didn't respond.
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After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
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The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
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After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
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I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
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my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Never going back to that doctor. Ever
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey on the counter. He says to the bartender, "What's with the monkey?" The bartender says, "Watch this!" He takes out a bat and whacks the monkey, and the monkey falls off the bar and runs around to the bartender and pulls his pants down and gives him a blowjob. The guy says, "That's amazing!' The bartender says, "Do you wanna try it?" The bartender says, "Yeah, but don't hit me too hard!"
 
Anthony Jeselnik:

I went to a bar the other night, and I was amazed. My all-time favorite p0rn star was sitting at the other end of the bar.


She looked beautiful. I called over the bartender and said, "I'll have another beer. And do you see that girl at the end of the bar?"

He said, "Yes.".








I said, "She shouldn't be here. She's only 13."
 
When a group of tourists visited the crocodile farm, the owner made a bold suggestion.
"I'll give a million dollars to whoever jumps in, swims to shore, and survives."

While no one else moved, one man suddenly jumped into the water and swam desperately towards the shore, chased by crocodiles.

Having arrived by sheer luck, he was showered with praise from everyone present, and then the owner announced:

"A brave winner has been born!!"

After receiving their payment, the couple returned to their hotel.

Upon arrival, the manager says to him, "That was very brave of you to jump in!"

Then the man said:

"I didn't jump in. Someone pushed me!"

His wife was smiling.

Lesson learned: Behind every successful man, there is a woman who supports him.
 
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