Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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Posted by
u/Multiclassed

9 hours ago


Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?​

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nsfw
It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.
 
TipRoast said:
I find it amusing that people will poke fun at English majors using a communications medium that is based on text - the same medium that Melville used for Moby Dick.

(I'm not trying to pick on you, HS, or on OSU - I liked those English major jokes.)

I had a double-major in liberal arts as an undergrad - Mathematics and English Literature. I have done a little teaching (computer science), but have not practiced law.

Sometimes, when the topic of worthwhile degrees come up, I ask people what their favorites movies are. And often the replies include titles like "The Shawshank Redemption" or "The Wizard of Oz" or "The Lord Of The Rings" or "Gone With The WInd" or "West Side Story" or any of dozens of others. That sometimes, but not always, leads to a discussion of what kinds of books make good movies, and how much better the book is than the movies, and how much fun it is to get engrossed in a good book.

Certainly one doesn't have to get a degree to enjoy reading for its own sake, but if a person does enjoy reading and is going to do it anyway while in college, why not get credit for it? One of my favorite courses was called Realism In Film and Literature. One of the works we studied was The Caine Mutiny - the novel, the play, and the film. The course was a lot of fun, and the films were shown in the evenings. I thought at the time, and still do today, that it was a very worthwhile investment of some of my time as an undergraduate.

Now the question one might ask is this: did that course, or my English degree, help me get a job? Perhaps not directly, but I've noticed over many years that my writing skills have helped differentiate my work from some of my colleagues (many of whom are much smarter than me, but don't communicate as well). My studies in English may not have helped me get a job, but those studies have enhanced my career, and my life outside of work as well.

What's funny is that after I retire, I will probably start roasting my own coffee beans. I've looked into it a bit; a small roaster is about the size of a toaster oven, and not very expensive. I don't have plans to wind up working in a coffeehouse, but one never knows what the future may have in store.



Since this is a joke thread, try this one:


What do you call a leper in a hot tub?




Stu
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Yeah. I enjoy the jokes while at the same time kinda resenting them. My under grad degree was in English Lit and I never had any doubt as to its value. Literature is my raison d'etra. I have always been under the impression that the great tradition of a liberal arts degree, be it English or classics or a foreign language or philosophy or whatever was not so much to prepare you for an occupation but rather to prepare you for life by creating in you a useful world view. and I have always been a voracious reader. As a teen, two or three books a day were often my reading intake. I originally intended to teach English, though dad always said I should be a barrister. My final UG year I took the LSAT's and had a score that virtually made me feel obliged to go to Law school and I did. And a Lawyer I was. Very much enjoyed my time lawyering, but later I went back, belatedly to my original dream, teaching High school English for three plus years as well as teaching summer classes in Business ethics at Northeastern in Boston,. Great experience and mostly great fun with all of them. If you know what you want, choose what you want. A suggestion.

Cheers
 
BostonTim said:
Yeah. I enjoy the jokes while at the same time kinda resenting them. My under grad degree was in English Lit and I never had any doubt as to its value. Literature is my raison d'etra. I have always been under the impression that the great tradition of a liberal arts degree, be it English or classics or a foreign language or philosophy or whatever was not so much to prepare you for an occupation but rather to prepare you for life by creating in you a useful world view. and I have always been a voracious reader. As a teen, two or three books a day were often my reading intake. I originally intended to teach English, though dad always said I should be a barrister. My final UG year I took the LSAT's and had a score that virtually made me feel obliged to go to Law school and I did. And a Lawyer I was. Very much enjoyed my time lawyering, but later I went back, belatedly to my original dream, teaching High school English for three plus years as well as teaching summer classes in Business ethics at Northeastern in Boston,. Great experience and mostly great fun with all of them. If you know what you want, choose what you want. A suggestion.

Cheers
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I was hoping for a joke at the end of your post - but I'm not disappointed, it's an excellent contribution, BT. Thank you for providing that glimpse into your background.

Liberal arts at the college level can be a great way to prepare a person for lifelong learning. Of course, you don't need to go to college for that, anyone with access to a library (or these days, the Internet) can initiate or continue the education process. One benefit of doing this in a college setting is that one gets access to other minds (students and teachers) as well as mentors and advisors (professors) with which one can debate ideas, and those folks may also point out areas of knowledge to be mined that might otherwise go unexplored.
 
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What use are online subscriptions to The Globe, NYTimes And Wapo, et al? Can't even wrap fish in them.
 
If you're offended by non-PC jokes, then read on, and you'll get your knickers in a twist.



What's the difference between a group of clever pygmies and an all-female track team?

The pygmies are cunning runts.
 
TipRoast said:
If you're offended by non-PC jokes, then read on, and you'll get your knickers in a twist.



What's the difference between a group of clever pygmies and an all-female track team?

The pygmies are cunning runts.
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While we're at it, the difference between a clever magical escape trick and a beautiful young woman. The trick is a cunning stunt...
 
What happens when you cross Lassie with a cantaloupe? You get a litter of MelonCollie Babies. :coffee:

Cheers
 
A guy and a girl get a flat tire one blizzardy night. The guy goes out to change the tire, but he has no gloves, and after a while, his hands start to get blue, so he comes back into the car. 'Put your hands between my thighs and that'll warm them up,' invites the girl. He does, and pretty soon his hands recover, and he goes back outside. After a while longer, his hands get cold again, and once again, she suggests that he warm them between her thighs. He does so and returns to finish putting on the spare. When he comes back into the car triumphant, she looks at him and asks, 'Aren't your ears cold?
 
An Irish friend of mine posts Irish jokes leading up to St. Patricks Day:

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the drunk driver, “where have ya been?” “Why I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
 
Patriots44 said:
An Irish friend of mine posts Irish jokes leading up to St. Patricks Day:

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the drunk driver, “where have ya been?” “Why I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
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A Jewish tourist, wearing his Yamulke, was walking down the street in Dublin when suddenly an Irish guy runs up to him and no warning punches him in the face.

Stunned, the tourist rubs his face and says

"What on Earth did you do that for? I wasn't bothering anybody!"

The mick responds "I did that because you're the people that killed Christ!"

The Jew says "what are you talking about? That was over two thousand years ago!"

Mick says "well, I just heard about it the other day"
 
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