Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :


My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - - - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the fridge over the one he left for his wife:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 !!

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
 
A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.

The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.

The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch.

While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, “Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!”

The husband yells back, “We’re not having sex!”

Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger’s shift.

Finally, the husband’s takes his shift in the watch tower.

His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.

The husband on watch exclaims, “Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!”
 
Spongebob Texas GIF
 

It’s the spring of 1961, and Bobby goes to pick up his date.​


When he gets to the door, the girl’s father invites him in.

“Carrie is not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

Carrie’s father then asks Bobby what they plan to do.

“Probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.”

Carries father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. Carrie really likes to screw - she’d screw all night if we let her.”

Well, this makes Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts Carrie out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father, “Dammit, Daddy! It’s called the twist!”
 

A night after tricks, three hookers who lived together were sitting around having coffee and discussing the tricks from the night before​


The first one said " I had a fireman the night before and the other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "That's easy ... his hose was over his shoulder and he smelt like like smoke." The second one said "I had a policeman ... "The other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "He pulled out his handcuffs and used his night stick on me." The third one said I had a farmer last night and the other two said "A farmer are you sure?" and she said "Yes, first he bitched it was too wet, then too dry and then he wanted to wait until spring to pay me." :)
 
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news

Patient: What’s the bad news?

Doctor: I'm afraid you have cancer and will be dead in 2 months

Patient: Well then what’s the good news?

Doctor: Did you see that cute little secretary in my reception area?

Patient: Yes

Doctor: I’m fucking her
 
By the sewer he lived. By the sewer he died. They said it was murder,
but it was sewercide
 
Spring Turkey Season is right around the corner in Indiana.

It was opening day of turkey season and two old turkey hunters, Bill and Ed were in their favorite spot high on a wooded ridge, like they had been many times before. The morning was fairly uneventful until about 11 AM when a Tom turkey finally started answering their calls and seemed to be coming their way. Just then Bill looked back down toward the highway and said, "Hey Ed, look, a funeral procession is coming down the road". Ed turned to look, then stood up, removed his hat and bowed his head until the procession went past. Bill said, "Geeze Ed, that was quite a show of respect!" Ed replied, "Least I could do really, I mean, we were married 40 years".
 
Wondered why the Frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Cheers
 
A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."
 
here is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
 
A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.
 
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
 
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