Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

Big/Sky/Fly

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A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.
He should have said $200... :coffee:
 

HSanders

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Time is like a river. You cannot touch the
water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.



As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.



I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.


And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
 

Flagg the Wanderer

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16 sodium molecules walk into a bar...followed by Batman!

...oh, you wanted good jokes. Sorry. Only people who are both chemistry nerds and Batman nerds will get that one.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A man comes home from work with lipstick on his shirt.​


His wife demands he tell her how exactly he managed to get lipstick on his shirt because it certainly wasn't hers.

He says 'It's pretty simple really, I wiped my dick on it'.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry?​


Because we live in a mask era.
 

BostonTim

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Hmmm. Reminds me there are 10 kinds of people on our planet. Those who know binary and those who don't.

Cheers
 

OSUBuckeye

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A fisherman went fishing and caught a mermaid.
She appeals to him with a mellow voice:
- "If you let me go I'll perform three of your wishes."
The fisherman looked at the beauty and said:
- "I only have one wish but will you do it three times?..."
 

OSUBuckeye

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One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made. Coming out - the rain is pouring down, the snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.
Minutes later he comes back into the house, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible".
To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
 

OSUBuckeye

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A sports writer interviewed the 14 time world champing female fisherman.
"What is your secret, do you have a favorite side of the boat or special lure?"
"No" - was the replay to the lure. "As far as the side of the boat that depends on my husband."
Report says: "I don't understand."
"Well it is this way; I lift up the sheets in the morning and look at my husband's dong, if it is lying on his right leg I fish on the right side of the boat, if on the left I fish on the left side of the boat."
Reporter: "What if it is standing up???"
"Well then to hell with going fishing!!!"
 

spacecrime

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Hmmm. Reminds me there are 10 kinds of people on our planet. Those who know binary and those who don't.

Cheers
I love this one. Second only to March 14, 2016 (or 2015 if you're into truncating rather than rounding)
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
 

OSUBuckeye

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A farmer buys a young rooster

As soon as he gets home it screws all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's hammering the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the rooster lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head.
Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The rooster slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"
 

OSUBuckeye

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A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.

“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”

His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.

“You idiot that’s a chicken”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”
 
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