Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

AkPatsFan

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....​


They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund

The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"
 

OSUBuckeye

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ittle Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " fucking, fuck,fuck,Fuck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Jack and Bobby are arguing in the playground.​


"My dad's better than your dad," says Jack.

"Oh yeah," replies Bobby. "Well, my mom's better than your mom!"

"You're probably right," says Jack. "My dad says the same thing."
 

OSUBuckeye

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A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get
married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at
their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be
gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married
3 times before."
The bride responds...
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist
and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do
was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted
to do was...God I miss him!"
 
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