Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist who suffered from insomnia?

He sat up all night wondering if there was a dog.
 
Jesus says to st peter and st paul "Lets catch Saturday nite Mass. I've a great 6 AM tee time on Sunday. So they all showed up ready to hit the links when God showed up. "I knew you'd me need me for a foursome. I know everything."

And what could they say?

So Paul steps up and its a nice clean drive right down the middle 220 yds.

Peter drives it 250 Yds down the left fairway with a perfect angle to the Pin.

It's a 320 yd par 4, And Jesus, a big strapping carpenter, Cranks it 295 yds to the front of the green. He's deadly with his close game, its virtually a guaranteed up then in for the birdie.

God steps up. Tops the ball. It ricles down the front of the slightly raised tee.

Just then,

Out comes a rabbit, picks up Gods ball and heads off straight up the fairway.

Just then

A Golden Eagle swoops down grabs the rabbit and continues up the fairway.

Just then

Out of the heavens shoots a bolt of lightening which strikes the eagle, who drops the rabbit who lands on the green where the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls straight into the cup

Jesus turns to God and says, "Dad, you gonna fuck around or play golf?
 
BostonTim said:
Jesus says to st peter and st paul "Lets catch Saturday nite Mass. I've a great 6 AM tee time on Sunday. So they all showed up ready to hit the links when God showed up. "I knew you'd me need me for a foursome. I know everything."

And what could they say?

So Paul steps up and its a nice clean drive right down the middle 220 yds.

Peter drives it 250 Yds down the left fairway with a perfect angle to the Pin.

It's a 320 yd par 4, And Jesus, a big strapping carpenter, Cranks it 295 yds to the front of the green. He's deadly with his close game, its virtually a guaranteed up then in for the birdie.

God steps up. Tops the ball. It ricles down the front of the slightly raised tee.

Just then,

Out comes a rabbit, picks up Gods ball and heads off straight up the fairway.

Just then

A Golden Eagle swoops down grabs the rabbit and continues up the fairway.

Just then

Out of the heavens shoots a bolt of lightening which strikes the eagle, who drops the rabbit who lands on the green where the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls straight into the cup

Jesus turns to God and says, "Dad, you gonna fuck around or play golf?
Click to expand...

if you will allow me I feel the need to add to this:

God...begging you to fuck around, make it easier for us to make a hole in one in this world, in this country, In Jesus's name I plea. Amen.
 
johnlocke said:
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Click to expand...

I'll take...both. :coffee:
 
*Pandemic laughter*

• If you see me leaving this group, please add me again. It's just that I’m so desperate to go out!

• Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

• Never thought my hands would one day consume more alcohol than my liver...ever!

• Quarantine seems like a Netflix series: just when you think it's over, they release the next season.

• I’m starting to like this mask thing. I went to the supermarket yesterday and two people that I owe money to didn’t recognize me.

• Those complaining 2020 didn’t have enough holidays, what now?!

• I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight!

• Could someone tell me if the second quarantine would be with the same family or we get to exchange?

• I’m not planning on adding 2020 to my age. I didn’t even use it!

• We want to publicly apologize to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it.

• To all the ladies who were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them, how are you doing?

• My washing machine only accepts pajamas these days. I put in a pair of jeans and a message popped up : “Stay Home!”

• I feel like a teenager all year long: no money in the wallet, hair long and out of control, thinking what to do with my life, and grounded at home.
 
Dear Abbey,

My boyfriend Michael is a wonderful young man, and I love him.

But he has hideous dandruff, and it is imposing great difficulty regarding intimacy. What can I do.

Flaking Out in Florida


Dear Flaking out,

It may require medical attention but he will probably be fine if you just give him some Head and Shoulders.

AVB


Dear Abbey,

Thank you so much. I will try that immediately. But how do I give him Shoulders?

Flaking Out in Florida
 
What's the difference between a pimple and a catholic priest?

One of them waits until you hit puberty to come on your face.

Sent from my SM-G973U using Tapatalk
 
What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They're both meat substitutes.

Sent from my SM-G973U using Tapatalk
 
So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
 
Wife's New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
 
Here's a story about a long time married man who drank far too much. He would get into a terrible state and would stumble home often dishevelled with vomit all over him, the works. His long-suffering wife eventually had enough and said, “that’s it, if you ever come home drunk like that again, I’m leaving you.“ So he vowed to stop drinking so much.

But low and behold, the next night he was in the pub and in the same state and threw up all over himself. So he was in a panic about facing the wife. And said to his friend “I can’t go home, my missus is going to leave me.” So his friend said, “don’t panic, go home and tell your wife that somebody threw up all over you and take a 20 dollar note and put it in your inside jacket pocket and show it to her and tell her he gave you the money for the dry cleaning bill.” So he went home, the wife saw him and went mental. He calmly stopped her “no, no, somebody in the pub threw up all over me and look, gave me 20 bucks for the dry cleaning.” So his wife looked at him and said, “But why do you have two 20 dollar bills? What's the other 20 dollars for??"

And he calmly replied, “oh that’s from the man who crapped in my pants.”
 
What do you do when an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw your dirty laundry in there with some detergent.

---------- Post added at 11:10 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:08 PM ----------

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."

---------- Post added at 11:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:10 PM ----------

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The Rooster.
 
Not exactly a joke, but a great joking response for when someone asks "Are you serious?"

Response: Does the pope enable and protect pedophiles?

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