Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

Big/Sky/Fly

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How do we know the toothbrush was invented in west virginia?
if it was invented anywhere else it would be the teethbrush
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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"I'm voting Republican, because Dems left a bad taste in my mouth." ~ Monica Lewinski
 

6EFINRINGS

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Guy walks into a bar with a briefcase looks a bit bewildered, sits down at the bar, orders a shot. While the bartender is pouring his shot, the guy opens his briefcase, and a guy a foot tall climbs out, walks over to the piano, and starts playing it beautifully.... the bartender watching all this, asks the guy,"ok, what the yell is that all about?"
The guy just says "don't ask, you don't wanna know, another shot please."
Bartender says "tell ya what, shot is on the house if you explain that"
Guy says" ok, all i'll say is that it's related to this really messed up genie bottle I found, that's all you really need to know"
Bartender, gives him his shot and asks if he can try the genie bottle....
Guy says "I told you, it's messed up! You really don't want to try it trust me"

Bartender says "Drinks on the house all night if you let me try"
Guy says "Ok have at it, but remember I warned you"

So the bartender grabs the genie bottle, goes into the back room, and comes running out 1/2 minute later being chased by hundreds of ducks....

He tosses the bottle back at the guy and says "Jesus you're right, that is one messed up genie bottle! I wished for a thousand bucks, and got a thousand ducks!"

The guy says "I told ya! What do you think I wished for? A 12 inch pianist?"
 

johnlocke

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Guy walks into a bar with a briefcase looks a bit bewildered, sits down at the bar, orders a shot. While the bartender is pouring his shot, the guy opens his briefcase, and a guy a foot tall climbs out, walks over to the piano, and starts playing it beautifully.... the bartender watching all this, asks the guy,"ok, what the yell is that all about?"
The guy just says "don't ask, you don't wanna know, another shot please."
Bartender says "tell ya what, shot is on the house if you explain that"
Guy says" ok, all i'll say is that it's related to this really messed up genie bottle I found, that's all you really need to know"
Bartender, gives him his shot and asks if he can try the genie bottle....
Guy says "I told you, it's messed up! You really don't want to try it trust me"

Bartender says "Drinks on the house all night if you let me try"
Guy says "Ok have at it, but remember I warned you"

So the bartender grabs the genie bottle, goes into the back room, and comes running out 1/2 minute later being chased by hundreds of ducks....

He tosses the bottle back at the guy and says "Jesus you're right, that is one messed up genie bottle! I wished for a thousand bucks, and got a thousand ducks!"

The guy says "I told ya! What do you think I wished for? A 12 inch pianist?"

ROFL That was good, man.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

:coffee:
 

BostonTim

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Tried to change my password to penis but they said it was to short.
 

BostonTim

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There are 10 kinds of
people, those
who under stand binary and those who don't.
 

BostonTim

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Tiger arrives at Augusta National, his very first time, for a pre-Masters practice round. The guard at the gate says sorry we can't let you in, but there's a very good public course just a 3 wood down the road.

Don't you know who I am said Tiger. I'm Tiger Wood!

Please. I apologize. said the guard. Please forgive me. I mean just a long wedge down the road.
 

foobahl

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 

foobahl

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My wife told me, "If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new."
Apparantly, "anything" does not include getting stuck in traffic.
 

BostonTim

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The ancient god of thunder and war had been 10 months on the battlefield and had long hungered for a woman.

Suddenly, he saw the most beautiful girl he ever had seen. Though she spoke to him with a lisp, he nevertheless, proceeded to seduce her and had the most fabulous, gratifying sex ever. When done, he rose up, and pounding his chest like a mountain gorilla, he screamed at the top of his lungs: "I am Thor!"

"Not half as Thor as I am", said the young girl.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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  1. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!
  2. What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!
  3. What’s a 6.9?
    Another great thing screwed up by a period.
 

BostonTim

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A Texas State Trooper pulled over a lady with a Broken taillight (that's his story and ...) and saw there was a handgun just lying next to her on the shotgun street.
"Maam", he said, "first, are there any other weapons in the vehicle."
"yes officer, there's another pistol under my seat and a 12 gauge in my trunk.
Jesus he said, "what the hell are you so afraid of?"
Not a God damn thing officer.
 

Hawg73

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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten.

One to change the bulb while the other nine share the experience.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A couple is playing golf when the man hits a wild shot that shatters the window of a nearby house. The couple head up to the door to apologize and offer to replace the window. To their surprise, a tall, handsome, mustachioed man in a turban answers. Before the couple can speak, the turbaned man says "I'm a genie who has been trapped in a magic lamp for eight hundred years. That golf ball broke my lamp and I'm free! By way of thanks, I'll grant you one wish." The man thinks a moment and responds "How about ten million dollars?" "Poof!" the turbaned man replies, "your bank account is now ten million dollars richer. Now, I am going to ask you a favor. I've been in that lamp for centuries and haven't known the touch of a woman in all that time. May I..." turning to the wife, "take you to bed? I did just make you multimillionaires." The couple hesitate, but agree. Once the man leaves the house, the turbaned man asks the woman "How old is your husband?" She responds "27, why?" The turbaned man smirks and says "and he still believes in genies?"
 
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