Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

Big/Sky/Fly

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What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I’d never let a garbanzo bean on my chest...
 
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Big/Sky/Fly

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Man and his wife are fishing and they've taken more fish than allowed. They see a wildlife officer checking all the people around them. Husband says to his wife, "we've got to hide these extra fish. Quick, hide a couple in your panties. They can't look there."

Wife says, "but what about the smell?"

Husband, "well, just plug the fish's nose."
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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I caught my sister putting a carrot in her vagina. It’s a shame because I was going to eat that, but now it’s going to taste like carrots...
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is where you use a feather, Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A union boss goes to the annual union convention in Las Vegas. Figuring that prostitution is legal, he goes around town looking for a brothel to have some fun.

He gets to the first brothel, and being a union man, asks the madam "Is this a union house?" "No." "Well, goodbye then."

He gets to the second brothel. "Is this a union house?" "No." "Well, goodbye then."

After searching for hours, he finally gets to the last brothel. "Is this a union house?" The madam answers "Yes, yes it is." "Oh, finally. Well, then, I think I'd like to spend a little time with Tiffany over there."

The madam looks at him and says "I'm sure you would, but this is a union house, and old Bertha over there has seniority."
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A man and a woman are driving down a deserted road in winter, and they get a flat tire. He gets out to change the flat, but his hands get so cold, he can barely grip the tire iron, so he hops back in the car and says to the woman, "My hands are so cold, I need to warm them up. Can I stick them between your thighs and talk dirty to you to warm them back up?" She agrees, and after about five minutes, he can feel his hands again, so he goes out and gets the lug nuts off.

As he's trying to bolt the spare back on, he loses feeling in his hands again, so he gets back in the car, and he and the woman repeat the process. Five more minutes of dirty talk, and he gets out, bolts the spare on, packs everything up, and they drive away.

As they're driving, he says to the woman, "Thank you for letting me warm my hands up." She replies, "No problem. Are your ears cold too?"
 

Hawg73

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I don't get it. :cautious:
Imagine the "share the experience" said with an exaggerated "Oh, Wow man" stoner accent. It's a parody of Californians' tendency to put spiritual or deep meaning into everything, even mundane bullshit. Maybe it's a better joke to hear told rather than read.

I'll try another one, though:

Q: How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten.

One holds the bulb and the other nine drink until the room spins.
 

foobahl

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My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.​



I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”
 

BostonTim

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Then there's the dyslexic agnostic insomniac - up all night wondering "is there a God?

Cheers
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 

TipRoast

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I went down to my local cheese shop last night to buy some of my favorite soft cheese.

Unfortunately, they were completely sold out of brie.

"Oh, well," I sighed to the proprietor, "I'll just have to grin and camembert it."
 
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Beaglebay

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A woman wearing a mink coat sitting at a bar was approached by another woman who exclaimed, "Do you know how many animals were killed to make that coat?" The mink-wearing woman turned to her and calmly said, "Do you know how many animals I had to sleep with to get it?"
 

3 Point Stan

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A married couple are out golfing. The husband slices his tee shot into the trees. They find the ball resting behind an oak. The man is about to chip out onto the fairway when his wife, standing a few feet behind, stops him. "Honey, from here I can see the flagstick. Why not try to reach the green?" He takes a look, decides to take the shot, and pulls out his 9-iron. The ball ricochets off the oak hitting his wife directly between the eyes. She is killed instantly. A year later the man is playing the same hole with his new wife. He hits an identical slice. They find the ball resting in almost the same spot as before. Just as he's about to chip out onto the fairway his new bride says, "Wait, honey! From here I can see..." "Oh, hell no!" he spurts. "Last time I tried that shot I got a double-bogey.”
 

BostonTim

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It's nearly 4500 miles from Spain to the Bahamas. So the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria averaged 1500 miles per Galleon.
 

BostonTim

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Hey!!!
How are you feeling, BT!?
Bout the same, so far, which is good. But plenty of time for it to head south. More to come later today (I hope) back on my POSITIVE thread. Thanks for checking.

Cheers
 

TipRoast

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I was out for breakfast the other day at a 1950s classic car themed restaurant.

Lots of memorabilia on display - photographs of Lincolns and Cadillacs, etc. Formica-based decor.

I ordered the Eggs Benedict, and when the waiter brought it out, I was amused to find that my breakfast was served on a shiny hubcap.

That seemed unusual to me, so I asked the waiter why they did that.

His reply? "Well, you know what they say - there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
 
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