Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

Muse

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I told Mrs. TR that I was going to start calling her "Ozone."

So that I could be called the "Ozone layer."

She said she'll be expecting the usual thank you notes and sympathy cards from every other woman on earth this week. 😢
Let me know when you are ready to send my note.
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BostonTim

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Just came across a British period sitcom based on shakespeare. Tuning in midstream very first scene I caught

Attractive girl comes down stairs and proclaims...

That was a wonderful service:. You used to keep your clothes on and the only thing the vicar put in your mouth was a biscuit!
.
 

OSUBuckeye

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Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...​

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuffing, because it was cooked inside the turkey."

The carnivore says, "It's all good, there's a ton of food here."

The vegan answers, " the mashed potatoes, they are made with butter and cream?

The carnivore stammers, " well, this is true, but..."

" and the green bean casserole, it uses cream of mushroom soup, which contains dairy...."

"Uh...."

" and the biscuits are 'buttermilk' biscuits?

"Well..."

"...and that lovely casserole there, that is au gratin?"

"I guess so..."

"And what's for dessert?"

"Cheesecake"

"I see..."

"Sorry, man..."

"You know what? Fuck this shit... I'm gonna go to Chipotle or Souplantaion or something." And the vegan brother gets up and leaves.

There is a moment of silence at the table, and then the father speaks up again...

"Thank. Fucking. God..."
 

Hawg73

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Just came across a British period sitcom based on shakespeare. Tuning in midstream very first scene I caught

Attractive girl comes down stairs and proclaims...

That was a wonderful service:. You used to keep your clothes on and the only thing the vicar put in your mouth was a biscuit!
.

If you're into that sort of thing then I suggest "Hunderby" (8 episodes) on Hulu. It's like a farsical tribute to DuMaurier and is both
refined and crude at the same time, if that makes any sense. For instance:

Dorothy informs Edmund of his infirm mother's condition: "Mistress Matilde is still abed, sir, she complained of vipers lashing her insides … Her bowel has still not spoken, sir, though I fancy I caught a whisper."

I LOL'd quite a bit at this series and wished that it was longer. Might be right down your alley.
 

OSUBuckeye

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Little Tommy’s mother takes him to go see Santa at Christmas time. Santa asks Tommy, “What would you like for Christmas?”.

Tommy looks Santa in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ve been a good boy all year. All I want is a train set. Nothing more, nothing less, just a train set!”. Santa looks over at his mom who gives an approving nod, so Santa tells Tommy he will get a train set for Christmas.

Christmas Eve comes and Tommy’s mom and dad take the time to set the train up around the Christmas tree. On Christmas morning, Tommy comes down the stairs and sees the train, and that’s all he’ll play with.

The train comes around the tree and as it pulls into the station, little Tommy says, “anyone getting on the fucking train, get the fuck on. Anyone getting off the train, get the fuck off!”.

The father tells Tommy, “you can not talk like that. If you do it again, you’ll be sent to your room!”.

Once again, the train comes around the tree and pulls into the station and Tommy exclaims, “Of you’re getting on the train, get the fuck on. If you’re getting off the train, get the fuck off!”.

Both parents shocked, mom tells Tommy that he is to go to his room and think about why it’s wrong to use foul language. About 2 hours go by and his mom is in the kitchen making lunch. Tommy comes down and apologizes to his mom and says he understands why he can’t use the “F” word. The mother tells Tommy he can go use his training again.

The mother is listening as the train comes around the tree and pulls into the station. She hears Tommy say, “Thank you everyone for riding on Tommy’s railroad. Please, any of our fine passengers seeking to exit the train, do so now. Anyone getting on the train please feel free to come aboard. And if you’re wondering why we’re 2 hours late, ask the goddamn bitch in the kitchen!”.
 

aloyouis

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Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.
"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
 
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