Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

imapig

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Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.
"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
Stealing
 

RoadGrader

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Whats the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Whats the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
 

BostonTim

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Two baby chicks woke up in their nest one moring right next to a big round piece of fruit.
"oh look", said one to the other, look at the orange marmalade!
 

BostonTim

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In general, I prefer one or two-liner jokes, but this classic is an exception:



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson Go Camping


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Watson says to Sherlock, you are just so astonishingly Brilliant, Sherlock, what school did you go to?

Elementary, my dear Watson.
 

BostonTim

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A man who reported to the er complaining of rectal pain was found to have 12 little toy horses inserted in his anus.
Doctors list his condition as stable.
 
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