Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

Hawg73

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A Physicist goes into the same ice cream parlor every week at the same time.

He always orders two ice cream sundaes and offers one to the empty stool next to him.

One day the owner of the shop asks the physicist, "Excuse me.......I have to ask---why do you do that?"

The physicist replies, "Well, quantum mechanics teaches us that there is a chance that the matter above this stool will spontaneously transform into a beautiful woman who will accept my offer of an ice cream and fall in love with me."

Owner says, "We have beautiful women come in here all the time. Why don't you offer one of them an ice cream and maybe she'll fall in love with you."

Physicist replies, "Yeah, right! What are the odds of THAT happening?"
 

Hawg73

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A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report.
He was questioned by the police: "Are you one hundred per cent sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm positive." replied the atom.
 

johnlocke

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A Physicist goes into the same ice cream parlor every week at the same time.

He always orders two ice cream sundaes and offers one to the empty stool next to him.

One day the owner of the shop asks the physicist, "Excuse me.......I have to ask---why do you do that?"

The physicist replies, "Well, quantum mechanics teaches us that there is a chance that the matter above this stool will spontaneously transform into a beautiful woman who will accept my offer of an ice cream and fall in love with me."

Owner says, "We have beautiful women come in here all the time. Why don't you offer one of them an ice cream and maybe she'll fall in love with you."

Physicist replies, "Yeah, right! What are the odds of THAT happening?"

Stealing this. :)
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
 

OSUBuckeye

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Bill was the manager of a big corporation’s office in the financial district.

One day the president called him into his office. He told Bill that due to the recent downturn in the markets the company would have to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Susan would have to be laid off.

Bill was distraught, he had worked with Jack and Susan for years, they were both great at their jobs, what could he do, how could he decide?
Bill looked at the Company President and said “Both Jack and Susan are great workers and great people, how can I possibly decide who to fire?”
The President was sympathetic to Bill’s dilema: “I suggest you use a random decider…the first one that uses the water cooler in the morning should be the one you fire.”
“OK, I guess that’s as good as any other method, I’ll do it” replied Bill.
The next morning Bill waited for Jack and Susan to show up.
Susan was the first arrival and after removing her coat walked straight to the water cooler.
Bill’s decision had been made for him! He called Susan in to his office.
“Susan I have a terrible problem.”

“Oh no! Can I help?” replied Susan.

“Well you see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

Susan replied: “Do you mind jacking off as I’ve got one hell of a hangover this morning.”
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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