Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

Speaking of cats, about six months ago my neighbor down next-door found a turd right on her welcome mat. She lost her fucking mind and started screaming and yelling thinking someone’s dog did that. We have two dogs one is a pug, and the other is a mini Australian shepherd. We got a phone call from management of our apartment complex. Asking if we did that and of course we would never do such a thing. And quite honestly I don’t think none of our neighbors would do such a thing, but it was still a bit puzzling why it happened in the first place… I was thinking, maybe it was a raccoon because we have trash valet service and maybe one of the raccoons drop the turd on this lady’s mat.

Well, after a few months, we figured out what’s going on. The lady on the first floor took in a bunch of stray cats. Well, I noticed a cat turd right beside my welcome mat, and the math started adding up. Especially since there was a cat looking right at me with a big fucking smile on his face…

I’ve come to the conclusion, this lady’s cats knew what they were doing, and they were enjoying all the trauma or drama they were causing. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
 
The post prohibition absurdity that was 3.2 beer is, I just noticed, is dead and gone. Not even Minnesota has it any more. And I was going to St. Paul for a Mock Draft. :coffee:
 
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A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room: "Yeah, right."
 
A Facebook memory.

"TECH SUPPORT Cute and clever!! Maybe even a hidden Valentine's Day message.

A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius... This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date? She wrote a letter to the tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response.

Dear Tech Support, ’Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate, "First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support"
 
I've often suspected that Auto-correct is dark magic.

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Back in the day we had this thing about shoot, shovel and shut up.

Oh wait, that was about endangered snail datrters the federal government would mess with your property or something.

Noted nevertheless.

Thanks.

;)
 
There was this monarch who insisted on playing golf with the best players in his land. However, he wasn't very good, and always took twice as many strokes on every hole as his opponents.

He was known as the double par king.
 
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...
 
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