Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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A tourist entered the Seven Stars pub in London, looked uo at the blackboard and said to the publican :I'll have the steak and kidley pie.

You mean steak and Kidney pie? said the pub;ican

tourist: I SAID Kidley, Diddle I?
 
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BostonTim said:
A tourist entered the Seven Stars pub in London, looked uo at the blackboard and said to the publican :I'll have the steak and kidley pie.

You mean steak and Kidney pie? said the pub;ican

tourist: I SAID Kidley, Diddle I?
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Oh
 
True story.

When the boys were in college, we were invited to a wedding of one of Mrs. TR's former tutoring students, the oldest sister of three girls. The middle sister was named Mori, and the wedding was at West Point (the Dad went there and so was able to arrange to have the wedding performed at the chapel).

As we arrived and were driving by the chapel, we saw Mori's date, Felix, who was known to Mrs. TR but not the rest of us. Mrs. TR said, "Oh look, there's Mori's Felix."

What the men in car heard was "Oh look, there's Maurice Felix."

Youngest son immediately piped up with "He's a Space Cowboy."

Oldest son said: "He's a Gangster of Love."

I completed the trifecta with: "He's a joker, he's a smoker, he's a midnight toker."

Mrs. TR looked at all of us and said: "What are you guys talking about?"

I said: "The Steve Miller song - The Joker."

Mrs. TR sighed heavily, and then, deliberately invoking the movie Spaceballs, said: "I'm surrounded by assholes."
 
Observation: an object can only be so big before it's not so much an object, but a location.

Response: That's fascinating. Also, I look forward to later this evening when I travel to your mom.
 
imapig said:
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. 😢
I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me 😒)
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage. 😳 (Credit David Attenborough )

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So when the neighbors ask if you know anything about that, you say ????
 
It was Halloween, and it was time for the yearly costume party. This year, the theme was to come dressed up as an emotion.

At the home where the party was being held, the doorbell rang, and when the host answered it, he saw a pretty young thing dressed entirely in pink feathers.

"Tickled Pink!" he said warmly, and ushered her into the party, where she quickly mingled among the other guests.

The doorbell rang again, and this time the host was greeted by a young man with a serious expression who was covered with green everywhere.

"We haven't met" said the host, "but you must be Green With Envy."

"That's right!" said the young man, breaking into a smile, and he too entered the party and was quickly engaged in conversation.

A few minutes passed until the doorbell rang again, and this time, the host was faced with a large, naked black man, whose member was embedded within a deep dish of custard.

The host was nonplussed, and after several seconds of consternation, had to inquire of the guest exactly what emotion it was that he was demonstrating.

"Isn't it obvious?" said the new guest. "I'm fuckin' dis custard."
 
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TipRoast said:
It was Halloween, and it was time for the yearly costume party. This year, the theme was to come dressed up as an emotion.

At the home where the party was being held, the doorbell rang, and when the host answered it, he saw a pretty young thing dressed entirely in pink feathers.

"Tickled Pink!" he said warmly, and ushered her into the party, where she quickly mingled among the other guests.

The doorbell rang again, and this time the host was greeted by a young man with a serious expression who was covered with green everywhere.

"We haven't met" said the host, "but you must be Green With Envy."

"That's right!" said the young man, breaking into a smile, and he too entered the party and was quickly engaged in conversation.

A few minutes passed until the doorbell rang again, and this time, the host was faced with a large, naked black man, whose member was embedded within a deep dish of custard.

The host was nonplussed, and after several seconds of consternation, had to inquire of the guest exactly what emotion it was that he was demonstrating.

"Isn't it obvious?" said the new guest. "I'm fuckin' dis custard."
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Meyhem Lauren Lol GIF by F*CK, THAT'S DELICIOUS
 
Many people don't know this, but Bruce Lee, the famous martial artist, had a brother, Brock.

Brock was a well-known vegan, and there's a vegetable named after him.

BrockLee.
 
Enuff awreddy youse guys. All funny and considering how many words in English rhyme with "lee" and almost all adverbs, somebody stop MEEEE before this takes over the jokes forum. :dith:

Jeebers - It has been so long since I posted anything I have forgotten how to just reply to a single post. That and Alz Heimers. :sleep:
 
oldbagfan said:
Enuff awreddy youse guys. All funny and considering how many words in English rhyme with "lee" and almost all adverbs, somebody stop MEEEE before this takes over the jokes forum. :dith:

Jeebers - It has been so long since I posted anything I have forgotten how to just reply to a single post. That and Alz Heimers. :sleep:
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Do you ever forget to flush the toilet because of Alzheimers?

It's not a problem for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris never needs to flush the toilet. He just scares the crap out of it.
 
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