Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?
- Thread starter oldbagfan
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Postman is retiring,on his last round. He gets a bottle of whisky from 1 house, cigars from the next
3rd house Mrs Jones opens the door is waiting in her nightdress
She drags him upstairs, has mad sex with him then takes him downstairs for a big sandwich.
Postman sees $5.00 under his drink glass and says, "What's this??"
Mrs Jones says "We were talking about what to get you for your retirement and my husband said:
"Fuck him!! Give him a fiver."
"The sandwich was my idea." she added
3rd house Mrs Jones opens the door is waiting in her nightdress
She drags him upstairs, has mad sex with him then takes him downstairs for a big sandwich.
Postman sees $5.00 under his drink glass and says, "What's this??"
Mrs Jones says "We were talking about what to get you for your retirement and my husband said:
"Fuck him!! Give him a fiver."
"The sandwich was my idea." she added
spacecrime
Well-known member
I assumed this was a joke. It wasn't....
TipRoast
Be not simply good - be good for something.
PumpDee
They Hate Us Cuz They Ain't Us.
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What's the difference between a pregnant 18-year-old girl and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What do an 18-year-old pregnant girl and her fetus have in common?
They are both thinking, "Oh God! My mom is going to kill me!".
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What do an 18-year-old pregnant girl and her fetus have in common?
They are both thinking, "Oh God! My mom is going to kill me!".
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
TipRoast
Be not simply good - be good for something.
I walked into a bar the other day and saw an artist friend of mine.
He looked sad, so I asked him: "Hey, Modigliani, why the long face?"
He looked sad, so I asked him: "Hey, Modigliani, why the long face?"
OP
OP
oldbagfan
No touchy
Ae you not, perhaps, addressing the wrong crowd?
TipRoast
Be not simply good - be good for something.
Ae you not, perhaps, addressing the wrong crowd?
I knew that you would get it, and I suspect it may elicit a chuckle (or groan) from one or two others.
(I just thought of it today, and though I have not heard it before, I doubt I am the first one to come up with it.)
Sean- son of Lifer
I miss my Dad
A groan was all I could muster and I have seen some of his work at the Musée de l'Orangerie in Paris.
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
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Stolen (a reply to HSanders linked x post on alligator alcatraz).
JB Huffman
@HuffmanJb2005
·
20m
I was sitting down on the bayou the other day watching these 3 kids out playing on one of those flat pontoons, just yelling and jumping in and out of the water, when I heard these 3 gators talking off to my left.The first one said, “ya know guys it’s getten on to lunch time and I think I’ll just swim out there and something to eat.” And with that he slides down into the water and gets under pontoon waiting for the first boy to jump off and go underwater. Just so happens to be the white boy and the gator nails him. Coming back to greet the other 2 gators he says, “Yummy, had me some white meat, haven’t had white meat in months.”So, the second gator says, “you’ve went and made me hungry now” so he slides down into the water and hides under the pontoon. When he hears the other two talking about where the white boy went to and the young black boy says, “I’m going to dive in and see if I can find him.” With that he jumps in the water head first and into the mouth of the second gator. A few minutes later he returns to the other waiting gators and says, “Wow, it was the little black boy and how much he loved dark meat.”So the first two tell the 3rdgator his lunch was just waiting for him out there. So off the 3rd gator went, into the water and under the pontoon. This time it was a young Mexican boy jumping into the water, getting out, then jumping back into the water, doing this for about five minutes until he just got out of the water and sat on the pontoon by himself. About this time the 3rd gator comes up out the water and joins the other gators on land. So the first two ask him why he didn’t eat the Mexican boy, and he replied, “Well guys, I had me one of the those Mexicans just last week and my asshole is still burning.”
JB Huffman
@HuffmanJb2005
·
20m
I was sitting down on the bayou the other day watching these 3 kids out playing on one of those flat pontoons, just yelling and jumping in and out of the water, when I heard these 3 gators talking off to my left.The first one said, “ya know guys it’s getten on to lunch time and I think I’ll just swim out there and something to eat.” And with that he slides down into the water and gets under pontoon waiting for the first boy to jump off and go underwater. Just so happens to be the white boy and the gator nails him. Coming back to greet the other 2 gators he says, “Yummy, had me some white meat, haven’t had white meat in months.”So, the second gator says, “you’ve went and made me hungry now” so he slides down into the water and hides under the pontoon. When he hears the other two talking about where the white boy went to and the young black boy says, “I’m going to dive in and see if I can find him.” With that he jumps in the water head first and into the mouth of the second gator. A few minutes later he returns to the other waiting gators and says, “Wow, it was the little black boy and how much he loved dark meat.”So the first two tell the 3rdgator his lunch was just waiting for him out there. So off the 3rd gator went, into the water and under the pontoon. This time it was a young Mexican boy jumping into the water, getting out, then jumping back into the water, doing this for about five minutes until he just got out of the water and sat on the pontoon by himself. About this time the 3rd gator comes up out the water and joins the other gators on land. So the first two ask him why he didn’t eat the Mexican boy, and he replied, “Well guys, I had me one of the those Mexicans just last week and my asshole is still burning.”
spacecrime
Well-known member
For those who speak French, in 2015 my wife and I spent some time in Paris, hitting a lot of the sights. One evening my wife, who speaks French (at least Québecois) fluently, said that tomorrow we'd be going to the Musée de l'Orangerie. I was excited at the thought of seeing displays of French lady's underwear through the centuries, but alas, there was actually no lingerie in the museum. True story.
Sean- son of Lifer
I miss my Dad
For any who may not know. The Musée de l'Orangerie is an art gallery of Impressionist and Post-Impressionist paintings located in the west corner of the Tuileries Garden next to the Place de la Concorde in Paris. It really is a good museum.This is The Tuileries Garden.
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor."Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.""Not to worry," said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced: "You and Mom look, great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you"."It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?""Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
A servant enrolled his donkey in a race and won.The local paper read: 'Servant's Ass Won'The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the servant not to enter the donkey in another race.Next day the local paper headline read: 'King Scratches Servant's Ass'.This was too much for the king, he ordered the servant to get rid of the donkey. He gave the donkey to the queen.The local paper heading the news: "Queen Has The Best Ass In Town".The king fainted.Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.Next day paper read: "Queen Sells Ass For $10"This was too much, King ordered the queen to buy back the donkey & lead it to jungle.The next day Headlines: "Queen Announces Her Ass Is Wild And Free"The king was buried next day!