imapig
Fat lunchbox motherfucker.
Do you know why it takes a woman so long to go pee in the morning?
Have you ever tried to pull apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?
Have you ever tried to pull apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?
Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?
- Thread starter oldbagfan
- Start date
Share this page
imapig
Fat lunchbox motherfucker.
206K views · 4.3K reactions | He saw you laughing. | Revenge of the Smirk
He saw you laughing.
www.facebook.com
HAMMERMILL
Well-known member
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2006
- Messages
- 1,898
- Reaction score
- 2,063
- Points
- 113
A conservative dog would only bark
TipRoast
Be not simply good - be good for something.
Earlier this month we set our clocks back an hour as daylight savings time ended.
We're coming up on the start of holiday season, so on Wednesday night remember to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds.
We're coming up on the start of holiday season, so on Wednesday night remember to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds.
So true! Bacon packaging really does suck and it would be so easy to make it more convenient.
TipRoast
Be not simply good - be good for something.
What did the brother cell say to the sister cell when she stepped on his foot?
That's my toe, sis!
That's my toe, sis!
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
The IRS suspected that a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate.The agent boarded the boat and said, “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”The boat owner replied, “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand. He’s been with me for three years. I pay him $1,000 a week, plus free room and board.“Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about eighteen hours a day and does roughly ninety percent of the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and every Saturday night I buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a dozen Budweisers so he can cope with life. He even gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.”The IRS agent frowned and said, “That’s the guy I want to talk to—the mentally challenged one.”The boat owner nodded and said, “That would be me. What would you like to know?”
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday...
They arrive at the club, and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
They arrive at the club, and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2005
- Messages
- 43,535
- Reaction score
- 15,132
- Points
- 113
- Age
- 78
Good one. But how stupid do you have to be to let your wife take you to your regular strip club?
Cheers (where everybody knows your name)
The same kind of stupid that goes to one all the time.
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
A man works as a train driver in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep at the controls and accidentally runs over someone walking on the tracks. He’s arrested, goes to trial, and is sentenced to death.
On death row, the executioner asks him, “What would you like for your last meal?”
“I’d like a banana,” the man says.
The executioner finds it strange but shrugs and brings him a banana. The man eats it, is strapped into the electric chair, and the switch is flipped.
Nothing happens.
In Bulgaria, a failed execution is considered an act of divine intervention, and the man is released.
A few months later, the man is driving trains again for a different company. Unfortunately, old habits die hard. He falls asleep at the controls once more, this time killing two people. He’s arrested, tried, and sentenced to death again.
Back on death row, the same executioner approaches him.
“You again? What do you want for your last meal this time?”
“Two bananas, please.”
Shaking his head, the executioner gives him the bananas. The man eats them, is strapped into the chair, and the switch is flipped.
Nothing happens.
Once again, the man walks free.
Months pass. One day, the executioner is stunned to see the same man back on death row for a third time, this time for running over three people with a train.
The executioner approaches him cautiously. “Let me guess. Three bananas?”
“Actually, yes! How did you know?”
“That’s it,” says the executioner. “This has gone on long enough. No bananas this time.”
The man is strapped into the electric chair with no last meal. The switch is flipped.
Nothing happens.
“I don’t understand!” the executioner shouts. “You didn’t eat any bananas!”
The man sighs and says,
“It’s not the bananas. I’m just a bad conductor.”
On death row, the executioner asks him, “What would you like for your last meal?”
“I’d like a banana,” the man says.
The executioner finds it strange but shrugs and brings him a banana. The man eats it, is strapped into the electric chair, and the switch is flipped.
Nothing happens.
In Bulgaria, a failed execution is considered an act of divine intervention, and the man is released.
A few months later, the man is driving trains again for a different company. Unfortunately, old habits die hard. He falls asleep at the controls once more, this time killing two people. He’s arrested, tried, and sentenced to death again.
Back on death row, the same executioner approaches him.
“You again? What do you want for your last meal this time?”
“Two bananas, please.”
Shaking his head, the executioner gives him the bananas. The man eats them, is strapped into the chair, and the switch is flipped.
Nothing happens.
Once again, the man walks free.
Months pass. One day, the executioner is stunned to see the same man back on death row for a third time, this time for running over three people with a train.
The executioner approaches him cautiously. “Let me guess. Three bananas?”
“Actually, yes! How did you know?”
“That’s it,” says the executioner. “This has gone on long enough. No bananas this time.”
The man is strapped into the electric chair with no last meal. The switch is flipped.
Nothing happens.
“I don’t understand!” the executioner shouts. “You didn’t eat any bananas!”
The man sighs and says,
“It’s not the bananas. I’m just a bad conductor.”
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
A guy driving an old station wagon pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls Royce The driver of the station wagon rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my station wagon!"The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."The driver of the station wagon says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my station wagon!"The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."The driver of the station wagon says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my station wagon!"The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"The driver of the station wagon says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my station wagon!"Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the station wagon, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the station wagon parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the station wagon. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet."I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.The driver of the station wagon looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that?!"
HSanders
R.I.P. Hawgie 💔
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2005
- Messages
- 43,535
- Reaction score
- 15,132
- Points
- 113
- Age
- 78