Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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u/funny_mad_scientist

13 hours ago

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Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world?​


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Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can.
 
Declan walked into his favourite pub The Long Valley in Cork and asked the barman for a whiskey. When he sat down he noticed a very attractive redhead at the far end of the bar and he said to the barman, 'That girl there...send a drink down to her too, whatever she's having.'
The barman said, 'I wouldn't bother if I was you, Declan.'
But Declan said, 'No...send her down a drink. Go on, boy.'
The barman gave the girl a drink and she raised her glass in acknowledgement. Declan winked and waved back.
When it came to his second glass of whiskey, Declan told the barman to send the girl another drink.
'Declan, you're wasting your time, like, I promise you.'
But Declan insisted, and when the barman gave the girl a second drink, she came up to him and said 'Thanks for the drinks. But I think you should know that I'm a lesbian.'
Declan said, 'I don't care what religion you are...you're a very attractive young woman.'
'No,' she said. 'I don't think you understand. You see that pretty blonde girl over there in the corner? I'd love to give her a kiss and fondle her breasts. And you see that woman with the long dark hair, sitting at that table by the window. I would love to take off all her clothes and ravage her body.
Declan started to sob, covering his face with his hands.
"What's the matter?" the girl asked him.
Declan wept...."I think I'm a lesbian too"
 
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'...And she's always sound asleep."
 
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says OMG!!!! DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?'
 
A wife is having an affair and unknown to her, her son is in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly and she hurriedly sticks her lover into the closet with her son and rushes out to meet her husband naked. The lover is sitting in the dark when he suddenly hears the boy say, "dark in here". Lover: It sure is. Son: I have a baseball, wanna buy it? Lover: How much? Son:$400 Lover: No. Son: My dad is right outside. Realizing his situation the lover agrees. The next day the husband comes home early while his wife is with her lover and again the lover is in the closet with her son. Son: Dark in here Remembering yesterday the lover asks what does he want. Son: I have a baseball glove for sale. Lover: How much? Son:$600 Lover: Done The following day the husband is home and goes up to his son's room, he tells him to grab his baseball and glove to play catch. Son: I can't, I sold them. Husband: For how much? Son: $1,000. Husband: WHAT?! That's terrible to extort your friends like that! Come, we're going to church so you can confess. So they drive to the church and the boy goes into the confessional, he looks around. Son: Dark in here. Priest: Don't you start that shit again!
 
OSUBuckeye said:
A wife is having an affair and unknown to her, her son is in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly and she hurriedly sticks her lover into the closet with her son and rushes out to meet her husband naked. The lover is sitting in the dark when he suddenly hears the boy say, "dark in here". Lover: It sure is. Son: I have a baseball, wanna buy it? Lover: How much? Son:$400 Lover: No. Son: My dad is right outside. Realizing his situation the lover agrees. The next day the husband comes home early while his wife is with her lover and again the lover is in the closet with her son. Son: Dark in here Remembering yesterday the lover asks what does he want. Son: I have a baseball glove for sale. Lover: How much? Son:$600 Lover: Done The following day the husband is home and goes up to his son's room, he tells him to grab his baseball and glove to play catch. Son: I can't, I sold them. Husband: For how much? Son: $1,000. Husband: WHAT?! That's terrible to extort your friends like that! Come, we're going to church so you can confess. So they drive to the church and the boy goes into the confessional, he looks around. Son: Dark in here. Priest: Don't you start that shit again!
Click to expand...
At least the son's dad isn't a cuck and sets his wife up with "dates". :coffee:
 
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth.'
 

A woman recently lost her husband.​


She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes ..."
 

A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate​


before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once they are out of the room, he explains that the man has a very serious disorder where he has to cum multiple times a day or it will build up and rupture. The donor says "oh, I see. That must be so hard for him" and they continue on their tour.

A little while later, they come across another room where a nurse is giving a blowjob to a patient. Again, they apologize, exit the room, and the donor says "what the hell? Is this how you run your hospital? This is highly unprofessional." and the director replies "oh, no. It's the same issue. That patient just has better health insurance."
 

I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, “Do you need help?”​


I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
 

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner​


So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
 

Old married couple eating a quiet 50th anniversary dinner​


A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know.

“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d like to know,” he says.

“Oh why get into it?” she replied “Have you?”

"You know, I got close a few times. But no, it just never felt right,” he answered.

“Well sweetie, if you really want to know, three times,” the wife finally says.

“Ok. Well. Could you at least tell me why?” he asked.

“Well remember when we first got married? You had big dreams and a wanted to start a company. The bank wouldn’t give you the loan, and then I met with the manager and then you got the loan.”

The husband looked surprised and touched. “Wow honey, that’s not what I expected. I mean, with this company our lives began. The house we live in, the fine things we have... ”

They continuee to eat their dinner and drink their wine. About ten minutes later the husband began to circle back to the topic again.

“Ok. That was one of the times. But what about the others?” He asked.

“Well honey, remember when you had that heart condition? The hospital said the chances were slim. But then I found a surgeon doing research and begged him to look at your case and then he operated and you got well," she replied.

“Well that saved my life. Wow I had no idea. You saved my life.” He says, completely in awe of his wife’s dedication.

The wife poured herself another glass of wine and brought out the desert. They continued to and reminisce.

“Alright, but honey, you said three times. What was the third time?” The husband asked.

“Well, remember that time you were running for local office? You were losing by 150 votes. But then the tides turned on election day and you won.”
 
NO. HE. DIDN'T.
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<yes he did> :LOL:
 
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