Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
 
ittle Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " fucking, fuck,fuck,Fuck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey.
 

Jack and Bobby are arguing in the playground.​


"My dad's better than your dad," says Jack.

"Oh yeah," replies Bobby. "Well, my mom's better than your mom!"

"You're probably right," says Jack. "My dad says the same thing."
 
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get
married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at
their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be
gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married
3 times before."
The bride responds...
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist
and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do
was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted
to do was...God I miss him!"
 
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
 
If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?
 
E1Lr6_RWEAQRUMT
 
A nice older couple (Ed and Edna) were sitting on their back porch one morning enjoying their breakfast. Out of the blue, Edna asks, "If I died would you remarry right away?" This caught Ed by surprise and he said, "What a terrible thought, I don't want to talk about it!" But Edna was persistent and asked Ed the same question over the next three days. Finally, Ed answered and said, "Yes, I guess I would remarry, can we stop thinking about that subject now?" But Edna had more questions. She then asked, "Would you sell the house?" Ed said, "No, I don't see why I'd sell the house." Then Edna asked, "Would you sell our bed?" Ed replied, "No, I don't see why I'd sell the bed." Then Edna asked, "Well, you certainly wouldn't let her use my golf clubs, would you?" Ed, said, "Certainly not, that doesn't even make sense." Betty asked, "Why, because it would be silly to just let them sit in the closet?" Ed said, "No, she's a lefty."
 
Curtis & Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
 
Back
Top