Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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Two guys had been arguing at the bar for a while. Finally one yells at the other "And last night I slept with your mother!" The other stayed composed and said nothing. After a moment the man again loudly yelled "I said, Last night I slept with your Mother."

The insulted drinker turned slowly towards him and said, very calmly, "Dad, go home. You're drunk."
 
If someone is being a jerk say, “the jerk store called, they’re all out of you!”

Courtesy of George Costanza
 

young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."​

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"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
 
An elderly lady went to her doctor. Doc, she said, this is embarrassing. I'm farting almost non-stop. Fortunately, they seem silent and odor free, but it's driving me crazy.

No problem. Take one of these pills before bed each evening and come back in a week.

She returned a week later and stormed angrily into the Drs office. What have you done to me, they're still silent but they smell horrible!

Perfect said the DR. Your sinuses are better so let's get to work on your hearing.
 
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Thor , the legendary Nordic God of Thunderr, met a young girl of 16 years, beautiful beyond all beauty though impeded by a slight speech impediment.. He fell in love instantly and using his mighty presence and appeal he, in no time, seduced the young Virgin in the greatest sex he had ever had. As was his wont, upon his completion, he arose and proclaimed in great voice to all in proximity, "I am Thor!!!"

The young Lady stood up beside him and proclaimed, "I'm thor too."

Cheeers
 
Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
 
A kid comes home from school very upset. His dad says, “what’s wrong?” The kid says “we had a spelling bee today and I was out the very first round.” The dad asks, “what word did you have to spell?” The kid says “POSSE”. The dad says “No wonder you couldn’t spell it, you can’t even pronounce it.”
 
'80s? This was Pittsburgh a week ago. :rofl:

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johnlocke said:
'80s? This was Pittsburgh a week ago. :rofl:

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Variations on a theme: A beloved location for me is Morrisville Vermont in Nortnern Vermont, where my grandparent's beautiful dairy farm was and where we spent the better part of summer when we were very young. We still have relatives there and we visit at least twice a year. And every time we pass through town, we reiterate an old joke we have great fun with. Oh look! The hippies have finally made it to Morrisville!

C heers
 
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BostonTim said:
A beloved location for me is Morrisville Vermont in Nortnern Vermont, where my grandparent's beautiful dairy farm was and where we spent the better part of summer when we were very young. We still have relatives there and we visit at least twice a year. And every time we pass through town, we reiterate an old joke we have great fun with. Oh look! The hippies have finally made it to Morrisville!

C heers
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Been to Morrisville and you absolutely right. :rofl:
 


A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes, we have verbal sex everyday.” the woman answered. “Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex!” the doctor laughed. “No, I mean verbal sex.” the woman persisted...​

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"
 

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.​

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
 
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