Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

The anesthesiologist on call this weekend is the Ether Bunny.

I hear that he's very heavy handed with the anesthesia and once you go under you likely won't wake-up until the 3rd day.
 
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A cuckoo was arrested for laying its eggs in another bird's nest and forcing that bird to raise the chicks.

At the arraignment, bail was requested, but denied.

The judge thought the defendant was a flight risk.
 
It was a beautiful Sunday morning in a lovely Irish town.

Father Sullivan had just finished Mass and, being particularly pleased with the services, decided to
celebrate by taking a leisurely stroll about town while occasionally stopping to take a hearty belt
of his flask containing a particularly fine Irish whiskey known as "the angel's share". All was
right with the world as the warm, dark liquid took it's euphoric effect.

Soon, he happened upon a pretty young girl of about six playing with a kitten in the front yard of a neat, little cottage. Her
hair was red and her eyes were clearest blue. She was giggling as the kitten played at her feet. He got a
bit misty-eyed at the sheer beauty of God's creation.

Good morning, Miss, he says, that is one fine-looking kitten you have there. What is it's name?

She replied in a sweet, clear voice, her name is Buttons, because she has three white spots on her
chest and they look just like buttons!

So, they do,
the Priest agrees. And what might your name be, child?

My name is Rose Petal O'Brien. My Mother called me that because when I was just a wee bairn a rose petal
blew on the breeze and landed on her breast as she was nursing me, so that is how I was named!


The Priest almost swooned at hearing such a touching story. His heart was, indeed, full-- so charmed was he by
the girl and her wonderful story, but just as he was about to say goodbye and continue on his way he noticed a sturdy donkey
busily munching grass in a different part of the yard.

And sure that must be your donkey, he says, and what might his name be?

Our donkey's name is Porky.

Porky? And how did he come to be called that?

Oh! ....because Porky loves to fuck pigs!
 
It was a beautiful Sunday morning in a lovely Irish town.

Father Sullivan had just finished Mass and, being particularly pleased with the services, decided to
celebrate by taking a leisurely stroll about town while occasionally stopping to take a hearty belt
of his flask containing a particularly fine Irish whiskey known as "the angel's share". All was
right with the world as the warm, dark liquid took it's euphoric effect.

Soon, he happened upon a pretty young girl of about six playing with a kitten in the front yard of a neat, little cottage. Her
hair was red and her eyes were clearest blue. She was giggling as the kitten played at her feet. He got a
bit misty-eyed at the sheer beauty of God's creation.

Good morning, Miss, he says, that is one fine-looking kitten you have there. What is it's name?

She replied in a sweet, clear voice, her name is Buttons, because she has three white spots on her
chest and they look just like buttons!

So, they do,
the Priest agrees. And what might your name be, child?

My name is Rose Petal O'Brien. My Mother called me that because when I was just a wee bairn a rose petal
blew on the breeze and landed on her breast as she was nursing me, so that is how I was named!


The Priest almost swooned at hearing such a touching story. His heart was, indeed, full-- so charmed was he by
the girl and her wonderful story, but just as he was about to say goodbye and continue on his way he noticed a sturdy donkey
busily munching grass in a different part of the yard.

And sure that must be your donkey, he says, and what might his name be?

Our donkey's name is Porky.

Porky? And how did he come to be called that?

Oh! ....because Porky loves to fuck pigs!

This is so messed up that I am absolutely sharing it.

Certain that this will do nothing good for my image, but fuck it if you can't take a joke.

😅

 
Here lies the body
Of Agatha Pure
Her life beheld no terrors
Born a Virgin, Died a Virgin
No hits, no runs, no errors.
 
Here lies the body
Of Agatha Pure
Her life beheld no terrors
Born a Virgin, Died a Virgin
No hits, no runs, no errors.
The ghost of Agatha is currently batting cleanup for the sox.
 
another ^^^ list ^^^ of jokes.........

The Genius of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
 
BostonTim's crisper: Where fresh green veggies go to die.
 
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
-source unknown.
 
The Irish
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellowman ... air passengers, in this case!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Are Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston , the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later : "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
 
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