Assclownism at its best

[Bruschi 3:16]

Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

Gone are the days when I would be the first person every week to post a random-observations type post, but old habits die hard. Here it is-- a little late, but hopefully not too late.

I was going to find something useful to preoccupy myself with when I got home from work last night, but I was too geared up to relax. I decided it was time to channel surf and check out the media landscape and there was no shortage of shows dedicated to the game and/or the Pats, so I sat back and cracked a beer and just took it all in. Here is my Sam Adams-fueled TV diary for opening night.

PART I- PREGAME

5:37PM - Flipped on EA Monday night matchup on ESPN2 with Merril Hoge, Jaws and SalPal. It didn't take long for the brilliant Jaws to do a textbook chalktalk where he highlighted the ability of our boy Tom to slide around in the pocket. He capped this segment by describing Brady in no uncertain terms as "the most mobile QB in the league".

Of course, Hoge took umbrage and touted Vick and McNabb, but him arguing with Jaws is a collosal mismatch and he just got louder and wronger by the second.

I decided that Hoge now wears the stink of desperation. His hair resembled a roadkill squirrel and his schtick these days is to spout wild-eyed nonsense while the savvy, no-nonsense Jaws guts him like a fish. Jaws is the Belichick of analysts. The best in the business.

5:45PM - I flip to the NFL Network - Pats-Colts finale from last year. It's a Patriots planet and we get to live on it. I notice a sign in the stands for the first time that reads "ST. MAARTEN - CARRIBEAN HOME OF THE PATRIOTS". Good God.

5:52PM - Back to ESPN2 - Hoge gets a hardon while doing a chalk talk on the play of Mike Vrabel. At least he is trying. Later, SalPal asks Hoge if the Pats can 3peat, but Hoge answers as if he has only been asked about thier chances in the opener. The stink grows riper.

6:00PM - Back to NFL Network which is showing a group of hot chicks dancing around during last year's pre-opener festivities. I don't know who they are, but they are hot.

6:04PM - SalPal has jumped over to ESPN and is doing a liveshot with Chris Berman & co. Berman waxes poetic about the beautiful NE weather (which is true, it's been unreal). Steve Young meanwhile pronounces that the Pats always play on the "razor's edge" no pun intended. I wonder if Young likes us. Hard to tell.

6:10PM - Over to classic sports which spices the night up with the 2002 Super Bowl. The Raiders are getting whipped by the Bucs. I pause long enough to hear Gruden say derisively "Nice blocking...no wonder they can't run." You gotta love Chucky.

6:12PM - Cracked 2nd beer. At this rate I'll be shitfaced by gametime.

6:15PM - Back to ESPN2 which is showing a piece of drivel called "ESPN Hollywood". I miss the piece on Brady, but did get to see the Burger King pick off Drew. All roads lead back to Foxboro.

6:30PM - Checked out "Quite Frankly" with Steven A. Smith who asks of a New York audience "How can a team that doesn't inspire fear be the team nobody can beat? I smirk while wondering how many in the audience hate our guts. Smith later brings in Bob Glauber of Newsday and Mike Holley for a mutual love fest on the hometown boys. Not a bad little show, I reckon. You can practically feel the jealousy oozing out of the audience whose local entries now bow down to our glory.

6:55PM - I Catch John Madden on ESPN who says that according to BB, the Pats were virtually without the services of Charlie Weis for the last 6 weeks of last season, so there is no real big deal now. Interesting quote, especially coming from Madden.

7:00PM - Pregame show on channel 5, but other than Steve Nelson it proves unwatchable. The word amateurish comes to mind.

7:07PM - ESPN - Steve Young calls tonight's game an "unfair fight". I guess he does like us. Boomer Berman meanwhile cracks wise by wondering if "Randy Moss can tackle?" Whenever Collins in the game the spectre of INTs looms.

I then break for sausages on the grill, because I remember that Ty Law told me I need to eat.

8:00PM - The official pregame nonsense begins with the Stones, who remind me of myself because while they can still rock-- everyone continually reminds them how old they are. Mick's neck reminds me of an iguana. My stomach roils just looking at it. Time for another beer.

Then we get Maroon 5 and "Bush hate me" West live from Cali. I miss Eva Longoria, but West can rap, I guess. He seems to be on his best behavior, so no political fireworks unless there were hidden messages in the song that I cannot decipher.

Finally Freddie Prinze Jr. brings out Green Day and I hope that "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" is not a bad omen. Carlos and Michelle Branch aren't bad but I decide it is all lip-synched anyway. Bob Kraft makes a nice little speech and I decide he must be the happiest guy in the building and there are a lot of them.

To my disappointment, my brother calls to tell me that Ozzy would be the surprise guest and for this particular brother it is the first time in years he has been correct about anything. Poor Ozzy. Whoever picked "Crazy Train" as this team's entrance music must have rocks in his head. I notice that Brady is all business as lasers and explosions fill the air. He is in the zone-- a good sign, but I wish we didn't have to deal with all the hype. I'm sure the players would rather not.

Anyways, a really nice anthem by Trisha Yearwood and the baloney is over with. Time for the season.

PART II: THE ACTUAL GAME

* The first drive by Oakland was pretty crafty I thought, but then again, I was feeling the Sammies pretty heavily. No panic, but it was disturbing. Willie almost gets his mitts on the pass to Jordan, but.....he didn't. Nice call to the TE in the end zone.

* I hated our first offensive play and wondered if the new boy genius was trying to prove he has balls. Just call a run and get it over with.

Anyway, it appeared to be the Ben Watson show early and I am jacked by this. Brady is high on 3 passes during the drive but gets a FG. He did show good zip on the ball. Oaklands backfield appears expoloitable and they get no rush at all.

* Early on Lamont Jordan looks good and goes for 7 on every rush. I can't really see the breakdowns but notice Colvin still has blockers glued to his shirt. I can't fault the new guys for this and see Chad Brown make a few nice plays. Vrabel is getting the majority of the snaps at ROLB. I think BB is getting tired of the Colvin situation-- he would like to have Vrabes inside is my guess.

* The Pats switch to a 4-3 at the beginning of the 2nd quarter and start stuffing Jordan. I wonder what Seymour would be like as a fulltime DT. Pretty damn good, probably. They stay with the 4-3 which is an unusual move, but I believe, the correct one. I wonder if it is an abberation or the new wave. I believe the switch was concurrent with Chad Brown getting dinged up and helped off the field, but not sure if that was a coincidence.

* It appears that the Pats are zeroing in on Derrick Gibson the Oakland safety. He doesn't cover very well at all. I'm thinking Brady's arm is fine, but he is still a bit off target. If he was more on target this would be an early blowout.

* Oaklands returner Chris Carr looks pretty good and handles punts and kickoffs. I'm disappointed with the special teams coverage and expected more.

* Pats look sloppy with at least 5 penalties in the 1st half, but Oakland looks even sloppier. Maybe they need a 6th preseason game. I'll get Thomas right on that.

* Terrible call on Watson. He makes a nice catch and no review. Much profanity fills the air at my house.

* I'll have to watch a replay or two to decide for sure, but I think the reason we can't run is because Matt Light is really struggling out there. He had a rough night from what I could tell.

* What the hell is Oakland doing? They have about a minute left and have Moss to draw coverage and they run draws to Jordan? What have they got to lose? Mystifying, but that is Norv. Same old, same old.

By the start of the second half I am too swilled to remember much, but a few things stand out.

* Seymour is having a monster game. I later learn he had 9 tackles and it was his dwarf-tossing of Jake Grove that is key in VW's first and last career INT. Good for him.

* The entire D line is playing well. Ty Warren is definitely not being engulfed by the young giant Robert Gallery.

* I would like somebody to help me understand why Watson wasn't seeing the ball more in the 2nd half. Has he already become a decoy? I know Oakland was playing a lot of nickle, but....I wanted more Watson.

* Two punts in a row backing up inside the five? Never seen that before.

* Note to Jerry Jones: No, I'm not a bit like you.

* Loved the brilliant screen on a fake reverse to Dwight. Brady is masterful at that stuff and Oakland bit hard.

Overall, it was about what you would expect only not as good. Too many dumbassed penalties held us back and Oakland didn't help themselves that much. We need to play much better, but the offense showed tantalizing potential and put 30 up while functioning on partial cylinders.

 

[Hawg73]

That all you got to say?

C'mon, Corky, show some balls for a change.

 

[PA_PATS_FAN54*]

That all you got to say?

C'mon, Corky, show some balls for a change.

Hawg be fair .....don't you think your asking a little much from him?

 

[Bruschi 3:16]

Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

Hawg

I've actually got nothing to say (shakes head).

So let me get this straight, while most of us were drinking beers, grilling burgers, and enjoying the Pats opener, you were, ahem, taking notes about your minute by minute activities? I'm guessing you must have given the nurse the day off and you didn't get your medication. God, I hope I never get that old...Ok, then...

 

[Hawg73]

Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

I've actually got nothing to say (shakes head). So let me get this straight, while most of us were drinking beers, grilling burgers, and enjoying the Pats opener, you were, ahem, taking notes about your minute by minute activities? Ok, then...

I was looking for real balls, not tippy-toe innuendo. I guess I expected too much of you.

I should have known better.

You trying to suggest (albeit, in a roundabout way) that your social life is "superior" to mine? Somehow, I really doubt that, unless your attitude is lot better in the real world then it is here, where it sucks about 90% of the time.

I enjoyed a nice quiet evening at home absorbing opening night and shared what I thought with the planet, so If you don't happen to like that then please, by all means, feel free to pound sand straight up your ass.

You might have to look down your nose to pull that off, but you're used to that.

I'll write what I feel like writing when I feel like it writing it.

You don't like that then feel free to skip it or to go fuck yourself.

Same difference to me.

 

[Annihilus]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

I'll write what I feel like writing when I feel like it writing it.

Hawg.....Annihilus did the exact same thing that you did (writing your thoughts during the game) during Superbowl 39, he just didn't post them here....or he forgot to anyway.

How's that for fucked up? That should at least make you feel a little more cool that you 'only' did that during a regular season game and not the Superbowl.



Let us know how that sand is, Bru.

 

[mikiemo83]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

I was looking for real balls, not tippy-toe innuendo. I guess I expected too much of you.

I should have known better.

........so If you don't happen to like that then please, by all means, feel free to pound sand straight up your ass. ..

if he passes gas would that make glass?

 

[Bruschi 3:16]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

I was looking for real balls, not tippy-toe innuendo. I guess I expected too much of you.

I should have known better.

You trying to suggest (albeit, in a roundabout way) that your social life is "superior" to mine? Somehow, I really doubt that, unless your attitude is lot better in the real world then it is here, where it sucks about 90% of the time.

I enjoyed a nice quiet evening at home absorbing opening night and shared what I thought with the planet, so If you don't happen to like that then please, by all means, feel free to pound sand straight up your ass.

You might have to look down your nose to pull that off, but you're used to that.

I'll write what I feel like writing when I feel like it writing it.

You don't like that then feel free to skip it or to go fuck yourself.

Same difference to me.

You are sitting in front of a TV with a notebook taking notes about your own life (I realize it is in jest as no one is that pathetic) and I simply made a " " about it. You asked me to elaborate and I did.

Pardon me, but I it would seem that 'pounding sand up ones ass' would still rank higher in the entertainment meter than noting and postiing the time, duration, and color of your beer piss for all to enjoy, but that's just me.

Best wishes in your chronicles, Hawg, my only question (and pardon me if I'm asking a question everyone wants to know), is when does the movie come out? Sounds like an Oscar Winner to me.

(by the way, Hawg, it's almost 4:30, shouldn't you be in line for the early-bird special right now?)

 

[Flagg the Wanderer]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

Hawg.....Annihilus did the exact same thing that you did ...That should at least make you feel a little more cool

Well I'm not su...

Too easy.

 

[Annihilus]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

Well I'm not su...

Too easy.

Hey now....you know what to do with that sand buddy.

 

[Hawg73]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

You are sitting in front of a TV with a notebook taking notes about your own life (I realize it is in jest as no one is that pathetic) and I simply made a " " about it. You asked me to elaborate and I did.

Not sure where you were going with the "joke" since your sentence kind of fell apart there, but the post was 95% about football with an occasional remark about other crap.

You want to focus on the 5% then feel free. It's a free planet.

I should point out that 95% of your posts are comprised of you griping because you scraped your vagina during one of your frequent cries for negative attention.

Pardon me, but I it would seem that 'pounding sand up ones ass' would still rank higher in the entertainment meter than noting and postiing the time, duration, and color of your beer piss for all to enjoy, but that's just me.

I'll take your word on that, muffin, since it sounds like you're the voice of experience on that score.

Best wishes in your chronicles, Hawg, my only question (and pardon me if I'm asking a question everyone wants to know), is when does the movie come out? Sounds like an Oscar Winner to me.

Thank you for the kind wishes. It's gratifying to know that such a top-notch member here is so supportive.

The movie will come out the same day that I start giving a shit about your opinon, which unless I miss my guess, is becoming just about as valued around here as Enron stock or the career of Ricky Martin.

Nice job being the "voice of the people", Corky.

 

[Bruschi 3:16]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

Not sure where you were going with the "joke" since your sentence kind of fell apart there, but the post was 95% about football with an occasional remark about other crap.

You want to focus on the 5% then feel free. It's a free planet.

I should point out that 95% of your posts are comprised of you griping because you scraped your vagina during one of your frequent cries for negative attention.



I'll take your word on that, muffin, since it sounds like you're the voice of experience on that score.



Thank you for the kind wishes. It's gratifying to know that such a top-notch member here is so supportive.

The movie will come out the same day that I start giving a shit about your opinon, which unless I miss my guess, is becoming just about as valued around here as Enron stock or the career of Ricky Martin.

Nice job being the "voice of the people", Corky. [/B]

Let's focus on that movie idea. Who could we get to play you? We'll need a cranky old man who enjoys sitting in front of a TV set scribbling notes to himself to share with folks on the 'net. How about Mickey Rooney? He's old, non-funny, cranky, and overall miserable, too. I"m not sure he's still alive, but if he is, I think we've got a match.

Are you going to write your "journal" every game? If so, maybe we could scrap the movie idea and go right for a mini-series. It could be the 21st century remake of that classic Hitchcock thriller "Rear Window", but instead of a window, the old man is watching a TV. This has legs, Hawgie, legs indeed.

ps- Did you really mention Ricky Martin? zing!!

 

[Annihilus]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

Let's focus on that movie idea. Who could we get to play you? We'll need a cranky old man who enjoys sitting in front of a TV set scribbling notes to himself to share with folks on the 'net. How about Mickey Rooney? He's old, non-funny, cranky, and overall miserable, too. I"m not sure he's still alive, but if he is, I think we've got a match.

Hey...what a great idea!

Even though he's not really an actor, we could get Ron Borges to play the part of you, Bruschi 3:16. If you think about it: he's past his prime, guage is running empty on the talent meter, won't leave when he knows the party's over and, most importantly, he's a completely unlikable tragic character that only his mother and man's best friend could love.

Pretty sure he's still around and we could probably lock him up with a small signing bonus.

 

[pookie]

Cripes, how did I miss such a gem of a thread? Another one destined for the archives, I believe. Not only do we get to read the comical activities that went on at stately Hawg Manor on opening night.... but we get to see B 3:16 get his ass handed to him as he acts like a fool. Again.

3:16, why do you waste your time here with us? There is no question that your wealth and fame make you eligible to be a platinum member at countless collar up alternative lifestyle websites or whatever those collar up sites are that you and your superior buddy there created. By the way, I didn't get to see much of your collar up site and I'm 100% behind any alternative lifestyle pages that you care to create. But most of the gay individuals that I know are nice people, are honorable, honest and have integrity. Why is it that you are such a phony, lying, conceited internet tough guy (aka coward)?

Toodles Twinkie.

 

[Hawg73]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

Let's focus on that movie idea. Who could we get to play you? We'll need a cranky old man who enjoys sitting in front of a TV set scribbling notes to himself to share with folks on the 'net. How about Mickey Rooney? He's old, non-funny, cranky, and overall miserable, too. I"m not sure he's still alive, but if he is, I think we've got a match.

No, Mickey is too old and nobody would watch a flick about a miserable old bastard like me. No Hollywood mogul would buy that pitch.

I think you might skew to a younger, hipper demographic and with your leading-man good looks and tragic-yet-vulnerable personality you could be an Andrew McCarthy type for the new millenium.

Let's keep the movie idea, but base it instead on you and your contributions here since you joined.

We can call it: Less Than Zero.

 

[Undertaker #59*]

I wish more people could talk about football like Hawg can. Contributions like this diary are fantastic. The OT stuff is fun and part of what Patriots Planet is all about, but it would be nice to see some more real football talk on here too.

If you don't like a thread, don't fucking read it. Quoting a good long post only to reply with a is stupid and immature. Don't have anything to say? Then don't.

I am much closer today then I was yesterday to making that new "Assclown" membership level. If all someone is going to contribute is garbage, then to a garbage forum you will go.

If its needed, it will be done later today.

 

[Hawg73]

I am much closer today then I was yesterday to making that new "Assclown" membership level. If all someone is going to contribute is garbage, then to a garbage forum you will go.

If its needed, it will be done later today.

That sounds like a terrific idea, UT.

Question though. Would forum members in good standing have the capability of visiting this garbage forum in case they want to finish a conversation with one of these "assclown" level members?

I'm asking for a friend.

 

[Undertaker #59*]

That sounds like a terrific idea, UT.

Question though. Would forum members in good standing have the capability of visiting this garbage forum in case they want to finish a conversation with one of these "assclown" level members?

I'm asking for a friend.

Absolutely. Everyone would be able to access and write to it. Hypothetically speaking, those members who have the distinction of being demoted to "Assclown" would be able to read everything in all forums, but would only be able to post in the Assclown forum.

It will be a step between full member and banned. Hypothetically, some members may only be given Assclown status for a period of time, (say a week) before being given another chance.

Hypothetically speaking of course.

 

[KenJr30]

Hypothetically speaking of course.

:LOL:

Too funny.

 

[sonsofkraftybob]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Random observations: a TV diary for opening night

You are sitting in front of a TV with a notebook taking notes about your own life (I realize it is in jest as no one is that pathetic) and I simply made a " " about it. You asked me to elaborate and I did.

Pardon me, but I it would seem that 'pounding sand up ones ass' would still rank higher in the entertainment meter than noting and postiing the time, duration, and color of your beer piss for all to enjoy, but that's just me.

Best wishes in your chronicles, Hawg, my only question (and pardon me if I'm asking a question everyone wants to know), is when does the movie come out? Sounds like an Oscar Winner to me.

(by the way, Hawg, it's almost 4:30, shouldn't you be in line for the early-bird special right now?)

I am certainly not one to play follow the leader and jump on an easy gangraping target such as this.....and I will not.....but I would like to shed some insight on why Hawgs diary isn't all that "pathetic" as B316 put it.

BTW, B316, why would you F with the guys thread like that in the 1st place? Makes no sense. MB Etiquette requires that (1) if you have a persoanl problem with someone.....settle it via PM. (2) If you feel the need to flat out insult a threadstarter re: the thread then you just ignore it. (3) If you disagree with the points in a thread then respond in the thread and givce your counterpoints with a little smack mixed in.

As for Hawgies thread....I actually enjoyed it...I may not have commented but I liked it and learned a little something. See, some of us didn't watch the game on tv. I, in particular was at the game and I am ALWAYS curious as to how things play out on tv. What fans do during commercials. What they eat, drink, think, yell, say, scream, opinions and basically and overall nother viewpoint. Shit, I have only seen the Pats play in Foxboro on TV 2X in 12 years!!!!!

So in short, I enjoyed the thread and I bet other season ticket holders did too!