Belichicodered Press Conference: 2021 OTA edition

Hawg73

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It's been a while since I did one of these things. The Belichicoder, (for those unfamiliar) is a patented device which can interpret the words of Bill Belichick as if he were really speaking the truth, needed a critical part replaced and due to Covid complications the factory just gave me excuses until, finally, those dried up too and I got the BC like running like a swiss watch again. So, here we go......




Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick

Press Conference
June 10, 2021


BB: I think that since we last saw each other we’ve seen a lot of changes. Tom won another Super Bowl, we no longer have to wear masks and I basically killed Free Agency and the Draft. I’m sure we’ll get into all of those things in more depth as the season approaches, but for now think we’ll just go over the usual clichés in a random fashion to help warm you people up for the season.

So, ummm....uhhhh, (snort) here goes: grinding, learning, improving one day at a time, moving forward, situational football, stringing things together, conditioning, putting ourselves in position and finally, my favorite and yours, we’ve got a long way to go.

Did I mention ‘we’ll see how that goes’?....I didn’t? I'll be sure and get to it next time. Now, would anybody like to start?

Q: Do you have an injury update on Cam Newton?

BB: I do, but I wouldn’t worry about it.

Q: So, nothing serious?

BB: No. Well, define “serious”. It’s sort of an existential concept which depends on a person’s individual frame of reference. I’d describe his situation, in terms how I define “serious” as somewhere between a mild paper cut and complete body organ failure and shutdown. I’m afraid I can’t get much more specific than that.

Q: When Cam isn't out there, how does that change the division of what you do when you have four quarterbacks and you go down to three?


Primarily, it’s one less Quarterback or, to put that in a broader context, 75% of the Quarterback total from the start of the day. As far as how it affects what we’re doing out here, try and recall Nigel Tufnel from “This is Spinal Tap” turning his amp up to 11. Was his guitar actually one louder or did somebody just re-label the dial on the amp from 10 to 11? We’ll just have see how that goes…..

Q: What have you observed from Mac Jones during this teaching period?

BB: Well, I think everybody is coming along. Mac is a good-looking kid, has a good personality, is very bright and smiles a lot. And I’m doing everything in my power to wipe that smile right off his face. To give you an example of that, everybody knows that our offense is really complex. Well, we had Neil DeGrasse Tyson in here last week and he’s a pretty smart guy, right? So, we let him take a look at our playbook and after a few minutes he dropped it on the table, started rubbing his temples and said “I think I’ll stick with quantum physics, thank you”. So, Mac will just have to take a few advil along the way and slog his way through it just like Ryan Mallett did.

Better, hopefully.

Q: How do you think Jarrett Stidham has handled himself in the quarterback competition and do you see a future for him on the team?

BB: Well, Jarrett is sort of in a similar position to Mallett when he was here. He is working hard to get better every day and has some traits, some skills to work with, but a few weeks ago I caught a few minutes of Ryan playing for the Generals of That Spring League or The Spring League of whatever it’s called and I don’t even know what city the Generals are from. I mean, it’s not like the old USFL where you knew the Generals were from New Jersey. So, yes, Stidham has to figure out where he is at or he might end up playing for the Alphas or Jousters from God knows where.

Q: How important in your view is this time period of the OTAs and the mini camp for rookies to get up to speed and how do you determine whether or not they are picking up what you want them to pick up?

BB: It's hard to set up a teaching schedule for an individual player. You set up your teaching installation in a progressive way, a pyramiding way, so that you lay a strong foundation and build up from there by having your young players haul massive stone blocks up ramps using ropes and pulleys. Later on in the summer, you might try to invert the pyramid so that the coaches are on the bottom and the players at the top, but they tried that in the business world back in the 90’s and they ended up flipping the pyramid right side up pretty quick, so what I’m saying is that you just have to do the best thing for your team in whatever time you have or we’re just running around out there being slapdicks. If that happens and the pyramid never gets completed then the Pharoah has no appropriate place to be buried if he dies unexpectedly. The eternal afterlife doesn’t wait for anybody, so you need to be prepared for these sorts of things or you just end up as dry bones in the sand. So, time is pretty important.

Q: Have you brought in someone who could be described as a vaccine expert to speak to your players about vaccinations and if not, do you plan to do so?

BB: I didn’t bring in anybody who was an expert in the world of vaccines, like Mona Lisa Vito was an expert in the field of cars, but we did distribute a strongly-worded pamphlet which should about cover all of that to keep the players safe and also keep us out of trouble with New York.

Look, did any of you people see me without a mask on last season? No, you didn't. That’s because I never took it off. Not once. I had an issue with a loose one during a zoom call and I had to pull it up about 40 times, but I did it and you never heard me complain about it. The reason for that was because even though every other coach in the league would pull their mask down 40 times a game to yell at the referee or wore a steamed-up face shield like poor Andy Reid, I knew that all I had to do was drop that thing once and every writer and blogger in creation would be demanding my resignation. Well, you didn’t get me then and if you think this year is going to be any different then keep dreaming.

Q: You referenced joint practices in your previous answer, is there anything set up so far for the summer?

BB: Well, I think that's a possibility, but it’s also a possibility that Tuka Rask becomes our next starting QB. We'll see how it goes.

Q: It looks like you guys have competition across the wide receiver position. How do you feel about your depth at that position and what have you seen from some of the young guys like Tre Nixon and Isaiah Zuber so far this spring?

BB: Again, that answer is really the same for all players and all positions. A cosmic, mystical kind of uncertainty. I know some of the media people noticed that Zuber caught some long passes the other day from Hoyer and reported it, but on a scale of importance I’d put those catches somewhere between watching a TV show on the Oxygen channel and actually breathing real oxygen. Zuber is a pretty good kid and works hard but the truth is that he’s got a better shot at catching TDs from Ryan Mallett this season than Cam Newton or Tuka. But......we'll see how that goes.

Q: The NFLPA has given some guidance to players to stay away from these OTA sessions. There are some teams that have negotiated with the coaching staff to change some of the things that are normally done. Has anything changed for you and your coaches during these OTAs in terms of on-field approach or protocols or the schedule based on conversations you've had with your players who were following NFLPA guidance?

BB: Look, I completely understand the position of the Player’s Association. They are concerned with player safety and have every right in the world to negotiate and try to gain some leverage here and there and I will be completely happy to follow any agreements they are able to reach with New York and I swear I will abide by any and all rules, willingly and cheerfully.

Of course, any player who follows those recommendations and stays away from any team scheduled activities for stupid, bullshit reasons is taking a chance that they may soon find themselves unemployed, but it will have nothing whatsoever to do with draconian revenge on my part, but simply be my doing what I feel is in the best interests of the team.

I think that about covers it. I can opt-out of coaching people, too.
 
Last edited:

johnlocke

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It's been a while since I did one of these things. The Belichicoder, (for those unfamiliar) is a patented device which can interpret the words of Bill Belichick as if he were really speaking the truth, needed a critical part replaced and due to Covid complications the factory just gave me excuses until, finally, those dried up too and I got the BC like running like a swiss watch again. So, here we go......




Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick

Press Conference
June 10, 2021


BB: I think that since we last saw each other we’ve seen a lot of changes. Tom won another Super Bowl, we no longer have to wear masks and I basically killed Free Agency and the Draft. I’m sure we’ll get into all of those things in more depth as the season approaches, but for now think we’ll just go over the usual clichés in a random fashion to help warm you people up for the season.

So, ummm....uhhhh, (snort) here goes: grinding, learning, improving one day at a time, moving forward, situational football, stringing things together, conditioning, putting ourselves in position and finally, my favorite and yours, we’ve got a long way to go.

Did I mention ‘we’ll see how that goes’?....I didn’t? I'll be sure and get to it next time. Now, would anybody like to start?

Q: Do you have an injury update on Cam Newton?

BB: I do, but I wouldn’t worry about it.

Q: So, nothing serious?

BB: No. Well, define “serious”. It’s sort of an existential concept which depends on a person’s individual frame of reference. I’d describe his situation, in terms how I define “serious” as somewhere between a mild paper cut and complete body organ failure and shutdown. I’m afraid I can’t get much more specific than that.

Q: When Cam isn't out there, how does that change the division of what you do when you have four quarterbacks and you go down to three?


Primarily, it’s one less Quarterback or, to put that in a broader context, 75% of the Quarterback total from the start of the day. As far as how it affects what we’re doing out here, try and recall Nigel Tufnel from “This is Spinal Tap” turning his amp up to 11. Was his guitar actually one louder or did somebody just re-label the dial on the amp from 10 to 11? We’ll just have see how that goes…..

Q: What have you observed from Mac Jones during this teaching period?

BB: Well, I think everybody is coming along. Mac is a good-looking kid, has a good personality, is very bright and smiles a lot. And I’m doing everything in my power to wipe that smile right off his face. To give you an example of that, everybody knows that our offense is really complex. Well, we had Neil DeGrasse Tyson in here last week and he’s a pretty smart guy, right? So, we let him take a look at our playbook and after a few minutes he dropped it on the table, started rubbing his temples and said “I think I’ll stick with quantum physics, thank you”. So, Mac will just have to take a few advil along the way and slog his way through it just like Ryan Mallett did.

Better, hopefully.

Q: How do you think Jarrett Stidham has handled himself in the quarterback competition and do you see a future for him on the team?

BB: Well, Jarrett is sort of in a similar position to Mallett when he was here. He is working hard to get better every day and has some traits, some skills to work with, but a few weeks ago I caught a few minutes of Ryan playing For the Generals of That Spring League or The Spring League of whatever it’s called and I don’t even know what city the Generals are from. I mean, it’s not like the old USFL where you knew the Generals were from New Jersey. So, yes, Stidham has to figure out where he is at or he might end up playing for the Alphas or Jousters from God knows where.

Q: How important in your view is this time period of the OTAs and the mini camp for rookies to get up to speed and how do you determine whether or not they are picking up what you want them to pick up?

BB: It's hard to set up a teaching schedule for an individual player. You set up your teaching installation in a progressive way, a pyramiding way, so that you lay a strong foundation and build up from there by having your young players haul massive stone blocks up ramps using ropes and pulleys. Later on in the summer, you might try to invert the pyramid so that the coaches are on the bottom and the players at the top, but they tried that in the business world back in the 90’s and they ended up flipping the pyramid right side up pretty quick, so what I’m saying is that you just have to do the best thing for your team in whatever time you have or we’re just running around out there being slapdicks. If that happens and the pyramid never gets completed then the Pharoah has no appropriate place to be buried if he dies unexpectedly. The eternal afterlife doesn’t wait for anybody, so you need to be prepared for these sorts of things or you just end up as dry bones in the sand. So, time is pretty important.

Q: Have you brought in someone who could be described as a vaccine expert to speak to your players about vaccinations and if not, do you plan to do so?

BB: I didn’t bring in anybody who was an expert in the world of vaccines, like Mona Lisa Vito was an expert in the field of cars, but we did distribute a strongly-worded pamphlet which should about cover all of that to keep the players safe and also keep us out of trouble with New York.

Look, did any of you people see me without a mask on last season? No, you didn't. That’s because I never took it off. Not once. I had an issue with loose one in a zoom call and I had to pull it up about 40 times, but I did it and you never heard me complain about it. The reason for that was because even though every other coach in the league would pull their mask down 40 times a game to yell at the referee or wore a steamed-up face shield like poor Andy Reid, I knew that all I had to do was drop that thing once and every writer and blogger in creation would be demanding my resignation. Well, you didn’t get me then and if you think this year is going to be any different then keep dreaming.

Q: You referenced joint practices in your previous answer, is there anything set up so far for the summer?

BB: Well, I think that's a possibility, but it’s also a possibility that Tuka Rask becomes our next starting QB. We'll see how it goes.

Q: It looks like you guys have competition across the wide receiver position. How do you feel about your depth at that position and what have you seen from some of the young guys like Tre Nixon and Isaiah Zuber so far this spring?

BB: Again, that answer is really the same for all players and all positions. A cosmic, mystical kind of uncertainty. I know some of the media people noticed that Zuber caught some long passes the other day from Hoyer and reported it, but on a scale of importance I’d put those catches somewhere between watching a TV show on the Oxygen channel and actually breathing real oxygen. Zuber is a pretty good kid and works hard but the truth is that he’s got a better shot at catching TDs from Ryan Mallett this season than Cam Newton or Tuka. But......we'll see how that goes.

Q: The NFLPA has given some guidance to players to stay away from these OTA sessions. There are some teams that have negotiated with the coaching staff to change some of the things that are normally done. Has anything changed for you and your coaches during these OTAs in terms of on-field approach or protocols or the schedule based on conversations you've had with your players who were following NFLPA guidance?

BB: Look, I completely understand the position of the Player’s Association. They are concerned with player safety and have every right in the world to negotiate and try to gain some leverage here and there and I will be completely happy to follow any agreements they are able to reach with New York and I swear I will abide by any and all rules, willingly and cheerfully.

Of course, any player who follows those recommendations and stays away from any team scheduled activities for stupid, bullshit reasons is taking a chance that they may soon find themselves unemployed, but it will have nothing whatsoever to do with draconian revenge on my part, but simply be my doing what I feel is in the best interests of the team.

I think that about covers it. I can opt-out of coaching people, too.

I'm a believer.
 

HSanders

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love it hawgie, so glad these are back!
so true on bb and the mask!😄
 

BostonTim

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Home run. In fact you hit Teddy ballgames red seat in right field at 502 feet. Really missed this. so thanks.

Cheers
 
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