Brandon Doomden and the Karmic Cowboys - week 5 karma thread

[gomezcat]

Roger Goodell, deep in his Goodellbunker, is watching old re-runs of Dallas. The lights are dimmed, he is dressed in his underpants, Jets jersey and nothing else, and he is getting veeeerrrrrrryyyy excited indeed. Why? Because, as JR slumps to the floor, he finally has the smoking gun (so to speak).

He consults with his independent investigator who agrees to open an independent investigation, which absolutely DOES NOT have the draft title: "Judge Berman is an asshat and we have PROOF that Bill Belicheet and Tom Cheety shot JR".

Under cross-examination, which is carried out by the neutral investigator, Ted Wells, Brady is forced to admit that he can't account for his whereabouts on the night JR was shot.

Brady's haughty defence that he would have been around five at the time, and that it would have been impossible for him to have shot a fictional character, are rightly dismissed by the prosecution, sorry, neutral investigation. He is banned until the next karma thread.

Belicheet simply answers each question by saying that he "does what's best for the team" and whether he shot JR is something he'd have to consider on a "day to day" basis. When asked about his own character, he says, "he's done some good things, and there are some things to work on. He's got some versatility. We'll see". Belicheet is also banned until the next karma thread and is given an extra ban from posting on the Planet and trolling Jets' forums.

In the beatdown, I mean game, the Cowboys' mega-star Brandon Weeden is fired up. Matt Patricia had been heard dissing him pre-game: "Only two things come out of Oklahoma.... and I don't see no horns on you, boy!!!". Weeden is outraged by the homophobia and plays extra hard.

He and the Cowboys' offence go completely nuts and run up the score. It's really, really ugly, as they stomp and stampede all over the latte sippers. The Cowboys' D is just brutal, and Jimmy Gruffalo starts crying at one point.

Dallas fans celebrate by shouting "yeehaw", firing off their pistols and enjoying the company of their animals.

Score: Cowboys - a quadrillion and two; Patsies; not even fit to be mentioned in the same sentence.

 

[Spentcartridge]

Weezall be burnt vultures after the cowboyz be done with us!

 

[bmooney54]

There are only two things that come from Texas: Texans losses and Cowboys wins, or something like that. After a rough start, but still better than many other teams, Weeden finally has it dialed in. The Pats will be trying too hard to serve Jones his comeuppance for his role in DGate and will subsequently make too many mistakes which the Cowboys will capitalize on. There will be no Gronk doing the whip and nae nae on the star at midfield. Things are bigger in Texas and our ass kicking will be no exception.

 

[gomezcat]

Have you guys given up this week? Are we that doomed?

 

[wedemboyz]

LMAO

if we had Tony ROMO It would be a good game.


but Weeden sucks.


so its a blowout.

 

[gomezcat]

LMAO

if we had Tony ROMO It would be a good game.


but Weeden sucks.


so its a blowout.

How can you say that? Weeden is the best QB in history!!! You Cowboys have this one wrapped up!!!

 

[Spentcartridge]

With these tough guys, Pats are doomed!

 

[patfan64]

The Cowboys suddenly remember that TO danced on the star. He may or may not have been wearing a Patriots jersey when that happened (he wasn't). They are mad.

Charles Haley thinks Tom Brady can't get a first down. So he decides to come to Big D and work with Greg Hardy to ensure that Brady never does.

Hardy keeps scanning the stands for Giselle and her sister. Giselle brings a mirror and blinds Hardy while he's blitzing. Troy Vincent is at the game. He sends Mike Kencil up to retrieve the mirror. As Kencil grabs it from Giselle, he says "We weighed the balls and you are in big f*cking trouble!!!"

During pregame warmups, Sean Lee happens to run by Julian Edelman. Edelman farts in his general direction, knocking Lee over. Lee comes to but is very groggy. Lee makes it his mission to find Edelman on every snap and make him pay for ruining the sanctity of the air in the stadium.

Jason Garrett continues to look like Jerrah Jones' illegitimate child.

The ghost of Marlon Brando shows up at the end of the game dressed up as the lunatic Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now and screams "Oh the horror...."

 

[Spentcartridge]

The Cowboys suddenly remember that TO danced on the star. He may or may not have been wearing a Patriots jersey when that happened (he wasn't). They are mad.

Charles Haley thinks Tom Brady can't get a first down. So he decides to come to Big D and work with Greg Hardy to ensure that Brady never does.

Hardy keeps scanning the stands for Giselle and her sister. Giselle brings a mirror and blinds Hardy while he's blitzing. Troy Vincent is at the game. He sends Mike Kencil up to retrieve the mirror. As Kencil grabs it from Giselle, he says "We weighed the balls and you are in big f*cking trouble!!!"

During pregame warmups, Sean Lee happens to run by Julian Edelman. Edelman farts in his general direction, knocking Lee over. Lee comes to but is very groggy. Lee makes it his mission to find Edelman on every snap and make him pay for ruining the sanctity of the air in the stadium.

Jason Garrett continues to look like Jerrah Jones' illegitimate child.

The ghost of Marlon Brando shows up at the end of the game dressed up as the lunatic Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now and screams "Oh the horror...."

and all the flatulence is saved to the cloud!