Making Friends:survey and disussion

How hard is it to make friends?

  • I am content with the amount I have, so N/A

    Votes: 4 23.5%

  • It's not difficult for me

    Votes: 7 41.2%

  • It's moderately difficult.

    Votes: 4 23.5%

  • I have a tough time with it.

    Votes: 2 11.8%
  • Total voters
    17

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HSanders

HSanders

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I get a few e-newsletters at work, and this was a topic in one. No link for newsletter. Here's what they wrote, at OZY. i have truncated it a little so it will post here.Please explain why you replied the way you did.

1. Challenges Across Generations​

Loneliness is so serious that both Japan and Britain have named “ministers of loneliness” in recent years. Former British Prime Minister Theresa May launched the position because more than 9 million Britons reported often or always feeling lonely (with 4 million of them being over 50). The U.K. isn’t alone. A study of older adults in 11 high-income countries showed high levels of social isolation in France (31 percent), Australia (25 percent) and the United States (21 percent). And counterintuitively, seniors aren’t bearing the brunt of this: Over a third of Americans reported “serious loneliness” in a recent Harvard survey, including 51 percent of mothers with young children and 61 percent of young adults aged 18 to 25.

2. Our Findings​

Nearly half. That’s the portion of more than 300 OZY readers who said this week in a survey that making friends is “hard.” Only 30 percent said it was “easy.” The challenge of making friends has gotten harder with age, the majority said.

3. Hikikomori​

In Japan, the term hikikomori — combining the verb hiki, to “withdraw,” and komori, to be inside — is used to describe Japanese youth, mostly men, who isolate themselves from society. It first gained attention in the ’90s, when an economic recession led to career setbacks throughout Japan.

4. Lacking Language​


You can’t imagine what you can’t say, so perhaps the friendship problem relates to a lack of the right words. English, the most commonly spoken language in the world, for example, has only one word for love.
​

5. ‘Intimacy’ for Hire​

The booming boyfriends-for-rent business is throwing Chinese helicopter parents off the scent. Young Chinese women, facing intense pressure to couple up in their 20s, enlist men to play the part for needed occasions.

6. Insomniacs​

For those who struggle with sleep — an ailment that increased during COVID — the bias toward daytime social activity can feel too real.

7. On the Move​

Millennials and Gen Z experience higher rates of anxiety than Gen X and baby boomers, an anxiousness that manifests in social settings as much as in educational or career environments. Social mobility plays a role too: A 2015 survey by friendship app Patook found that more than half of those who had spent less than five years in a place found it difficult to find friends, while it was much easier for those who stayed in place longer. Millennials are moving more than past generations, although more of the workforce across all ages is mobile. Many OZY readers suggest recent moves for jobs or to retire had left them socially unmoored: “I moved to a different state after retirement to be physically closer to my son,” one said. “Most of the people my age have lived here their entire adult lives and have lifelong friends. It is difficult to feel like I fit in."
​
.
 

what has changed​

​

1. Priorities​
In 1977, the majority of college students placed friends above family, religion or work as key to a meaningful life in interviews conducted by the psychologist Eric Klinger. Four decades later, in 2017, Americans placed family (69%), career (34%), money (23%) and faith (20%) above friendship (19%).

2. Technology​

A friend recently told me he felt there were two ages of the internet: when he had it in his pocket, and when he didn’t. The smartphone has changed our relationships, keeping us connected every moment of every day — but perhaps not as meaningfully connected, as research and anecdotes suggest that social media interactions provide only a mirage of connectivity. There are real benefits, with people finding new online communities around shared hobbies, such as cooking or birding. Knowing that your childhood or college friends are only a click away may have also shifted the risk vs. reward equation of making new friends. “I think social media has made it harder to have real friends not just for people my age but for people of all ages,” said one boomer in our survey.

3. Neighborly Norms​

With your social needs partially met, albeit unsatisfactorily, by digital relationships, is it worth suffering through the awkwardness of speaking to strangers to become friends with people in your new neighborhood? Many Americans say it’s not, as 66 percent reported they don’t know their neighbors in one survey (an especially odd fact, given that most people settle in neighborhoods with people who share their partisan beliefs). People in the Midwest are most likely to know their neighbors, with 36 percent saying they consider them as friends, which may also be tied to the fact that Midwesterners are the most likely to stay in their hometowns.
​

4. Strained Budgets​


In Speaking of Friendship, women’s studies experts Mary Strong and Helen Gouldner describe middle-class adults as having “friendship budgets” — the time they can allot to new friends after taking work, families and prior friends into account. Surging inequality has only added stress to that limited budget, as childcare prices have skyrocketed and more couples both work to meet rising costs
 
Sometimes I am focused on other things and make little/no effort, but other than this few times, making friends is not hard.
 
I have a nice circle of close friends that I've known for a very long time. Good people. I don't have trouble meeting new people & developing a friendship. I've met some people at my gym the past couple of years that I consider friends. Likewise I've never thought man I need to meet some people to hangout with. Never ever had lonely issues. When I was very young, 1st grade to around 7th I was pretty shy but I broke out of that & now I don't have a shy bone in my body. Not sure I answered your question but I tried.
 
I used to care what people thought of me...now I couldn't give a shit.

If you're cool, have an open mind, like to do interesting things, aren't a sheep that worships the TV and the propaganda inside of it, don't care what the advertisers tell you subconsciously what to be and what to buy...we might have a chance. Maybe...

:coffee:
 
I didn't vote because I'm not concerned about it too much...if we jive, we jive. If we don't, oh well. We don't have to agree on everything, but, would have to have some sort of common ground somewhere...
 
I voted "Moderately Difficult" even though I'm content with those I have.

I see video games as a time bandit for kids and teens (or older) when they should be out doing things & playing with the kids in the neighborhood.
Smartphones are a two edged sword - used correctly they keep us in touch but used incorrectly they interfere with 1 on 1 communication. I'm disheartened when I see a couple or a group of people together but they're each hypnotized by their phones and completely ignoring each other. It's a curse in those instances. Making a true friend requires lots of personal interaction. Smartphones can deter that.
Something covered only indirectly by your newsletter that I think is very important - Acquiring and keeping real friends can be expensive from an economic and emotional pov. Golfing (with friends) is costly. A skiing trip (with friends) is costly. Even going out to dinner or a night at the neighborhood bar can be expensive. Dinner parties are expensive. Sitting at home costs nothing. Good times with friends are truly great but those good times can turn in an instant to sad times. That friend suddenly becomes a liability for your own well being and the more friends you have the more down times you'll experience.
Then there's the time lost cost for having friends. Most of us have busy home and work lives. Our lives are naturally redirected from our friends to our own families. Who has enough time these days to maintain a huge number of friends?
Somewhere there's a happy medium. For me, that happy medium is 4 best friends and it's been that way for a long time.
 
I have a inner circle of my closest friends, guys who I've known and hung with since childhood. But I have many more that have accumulated along the way. I am by nature quiet and a little shy and it takes me a while to warm up to people I don't know, but once I do, no problems.
Agree with others that the internet and social media make it hard to establish relationships or maintain them. I feel bad for younger people who's relationships are built, or not. online.
 
chevss454 said:
I voted "Moderately Difficult" even though I'm content with those I have.

I see video games as a time bandit for kids and teens (or older) when they should be out doing things & playing with the kids in the neighborhood.
Smartphones are a two edged sword - used correctly they keep us in touch but used incorrectly they interfere with 1 on 1 communication. I'm disheartened when I see a couple or a group of people together but they're each hypnotized by their phones and completely ignoring each other. It's a curse in those instances. Making a true friend requires lots of personal interaction. Smartphones can deter that.
Something covered only indirectly by your newsletter that I think is very important - Acquiring and keeping real friends can be expensive from an economic and emotional pov. Golfing (with friends) is costly. A skiing trip (with friends) is costly. Even going out to dinner or a night at the neighborhood bar can be expensive. Dinner parties are expensive. Sitting at home costs nothing. Good times with friends are truly great but those good times can turn in an instant to sad times. That friend suddenly becomes a liability for your own well being and the more friends you have the more down times you'll experience.
Then there's the time lost cost for having friends. Most of us have busy home and work lives. Our lives are naturally redirected from our friends to our own families. Who has enough time these days to maintain a huge number of friends?
Somewhere there's a happy medium. For me, that happy medium is 4 best friends and it's been that way for a long time.
Click to expand...
Good post, Chev.

Like most around my age we were always outside playing something. Or getting in to trouble but that was all good too. In the summer we played baseball day & night. Sure I played little league but there's something to be said about being self taught playing with friends. Older & younger alike.

Now, as I started becoming self aware of things I mainly wanted to play hide the salami with one girl. She wasn't going for it though. Now then anyway. 😁
 
I am friendly with many people, but I am not sure I would call them close friends. I can talk to most people and find common interests, but does that really make them a friend? So I guess that means it is hard for me to make friends, but I have tons of casual friends by the following definitions.

The difference between a friend, acquaintance, close friend, and intimate friend​

There are 4 stages of friendship – acquaintance, casual friend, close friend, and intimate friend:

  • An acquaintance is a person you know, but who is not a close friend.[2] It’s the person you run into in the hallway or feel comfortable meeting in a group setting, but usually not by yourself.
  • A casual friend is a person you are more emotionally attached to.[3] You feel comfortable meeting with this person one on one.
  • A close friend is a person you spend time with regularly and can depend on. You feel comfortable reaching out to this person at any time.
  • An intimate friend is someone you can share anything with.
  • From the website SocialPro
 
This is a great (and broad) topic for discussion but I'll try to focus on just one aspect and give an example that has been on my mind lately.

I live on the South Shore of Boston and have a group of friends/acquaintances from the North Shore. At some point during the pandemic, somebody
proposed that the guys form a Book Club and have monthlyish zoom meetings because it's about an hour drive away. The others involved are
very worked up over Covid and this was considered a way to safely socialize a bit.

So, I decided to give it a go and it's been more fun than I thought it would be and everybody typically contributes interesting stuff. However, politics have
been brought up several times lately and, in general, I don't share the same views as the rest of them. One guy likes to run his mouth and it immediately drags
some pretty high-level convo regarding the books (none based on politics directly) way down. This puts me in position of either keeping my mouth shut or
providing a dissenting viewpoint and going 5 on 1 with all the predictable exploding monkeys. I'm not going to get into it any further than that in this Forum, but I wanted to
point out that other than politics I really like these guys and find them intelligent and interesting when it comes to most things, but I can't stand any
more idiotic political manifestos or I'm going to fucking snap.

I've already requested several times that we keep the politics to a minimum and it was agreed, but that isn't what is happening. I don't know where this
is going, but as all the wives and girlfriends are closely connected if I lose my shit then the social fallout will be considerable just as people are starting to
crawl out of their hidey-holes and enjoy some sunshine. The chickenshit way to handle this is to invent a polite excuse and quit the club, i.e., "I just don't have the
time to read now that the weather's good", but I don't really do that.

I voted "moderately difficult" partially because politics is more divisive now than ever and I don't really want it to be. I can't afford to go scorched earth (for my
wife's social sake) and I can't really keep silent, so I'm more cautious about people I don't already know and, to some extent, those that I do.

My overall philosophy on friends is that I don't tend to make instant friends, but when I make them I try to keep them for a long time.
 
Hawgie, i am sorry that things are getting contentious that way, what a shame. it sounds like you have been the gracious party. unfortunately, it does seem like bowing out would be the solution since there's concern for other people's relationships.
 
dchester said:
It's a shame how things have become with politics. Years ago, at work we'd often joke about politicians, and people didn't have a nutty over it. It's so sad to see how society has changed.
Click to expand...

DC, I do frequently have to bite my tongue when I read comments on your FB post. Frustrating.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 
Some differences should make convos interesting...one would think. Why would anyone want to hang out with a clone of yourself?

Some people should embrace "conflict" discussions...it makes things more engaging.
 
HSanders said:
Hawgie, i am sorry that things are getting contentious that way, what a shame. it sounds like you have been the gracious party. unfortunately, it does seem like bowing out would be the solution since there's concern for other people's relationships.
Click to expand...

Thanks, but I need to train myself to handle those situations better because I never feel good after losing my shit at somebody that I have a relationship with. Instead of trying to match the decibel level I'm working more on asking polite (but tough) questions and then just listen to the often uncomfortable/uncertain answers which tends to cause a change in topic for some reason. I've learned that you cannot change anybody's entrenched beliefs by arguing. Anyway, it's a work in progress.

One thing about friends is that losing them over politics -- when we're all getting played in some way -- is a zero sum game.
 
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dchester said:
It's a shame how things have become with politics. Years ago, at work we'd often joke about politicians, and people didn't have a nutty over it. It's so sad to see how society has changed.
Click to expand...

My wife's late Grandfather, Nono, was born in Italy and he often used to tell the story of when his Brother came to the US for his first visit ever and asked how politics worked in this country since Italy has traditionally had some major problems trying to sort it all out. So Nono explains to him that "every 4 years the two parties have an election and afterwards they all shake hands, congratulate the winner and then continue to work together" and, deeply impressed, his Brother said how marvelous that all was. If only Italy could be more like this wonderful Country.

Yeah, that isn't happening any more.
 
Some people hate to get a little salty, some thrive on salt. I don't mind verbal sparring at all. It's pretty fucking fun..but, I try not to go OTT though.

The best relationships have the "opposites/attract" thing going for them. You NEVER want boring. Boring sucks ass...but, you have to know where to draw the line though for the master debating aspect.
 
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