Chargers FO Accuse Patriots of Solar Cheating
On the eve of Super Bowl 42, San Diego Chargers team representatives have contacted NFL league officials to report what they think might be more rule violations by the New England Patriots. In a letter signed by team Owner Alex Spanos, team President Dean Spanos, team Vice President Micheal Spanos, and General Manager Alex Smith, the Chargers front office outlined what they believed to be an instance of rule violations that might overshadow Video-gate a hundred times.
"We have learned since the AFC Championship game ended that the Patriots team have a method to use the sun as a way of gaining an unfair competitive advantage during football games," said Alex Spanos during an early morning press conference. "We have not determined what that exact method is of yet, which is why we are turning the information we have over to the League Office. Our front office experts seem to think however that that the evidence points to one of two things: The Patriots are using some sort of mechanical device, possibly mirrors or other polished metal objects, to redirect the suns rays at our players eyes. They do this at key times during the game, blinding or confusing our players so that their own players can make plays they otherwise wouldn't. We feel that this is the most likely scenario, although there is a growing faction within our front office science team that believes that a mechanical device would be too unwieldy, and thus hard to keep hidden, and that the Patriots are using some sort of paranormal method, possibly witchcraft, to bring about the same effect. The bottom line is that at several points during the game last week, the sun got in our team's collective eyes."
It should be noted that the Patriots play in Massachusetts, the home of the now infamous Salem witch trials.
Chargers Head Coach Norv Turner went one step further at the press conference, giving the assembled crowd of reporters a glimpse inside the world of NFL gameplanning. "We had prepared all week to play the game without the sun in our eyes. We cant gameplan for every possible eventuality. If a team is going to take liberties with the sun, then we aren't playing on a level playing field. "
When contacted for their reaction, Bill Belichick offered this press release:
"In response to the Chargers accusations that the sun got in their eyes, the Patriot organization would like to point out that the game two Sundays ago was, in fact, played on a cold overcast day. The sun was barely visible. In fact, we had the stadium lights on for most of the game. It was practically nighttime. "
When this small point of contention was presented to the Chargers officials, they were quick to point out that while the sun may not have been shining brightly in Foxborough, it was shining brightly someplace in the world. "Thats what makes this so insidious."
Patriot team owner Robert Kraft, who is reportedly busy talking to contractors to expand the Lombardi Trophy Case in the Patriots training facility, was unavailable for comment.
Tennessee Titans head coach Jeff Fisher, when asked about this newest round of cheating, and whether use of the sun was widespread in the NFL, commented, " The Sun? Ive never even heard of the sun. What is it?"
Indianapolis Colts General manager Bill Polian concurred. "While i have heard of the sun, i have never once contemplated using it to gain an unfair competitive advantage. Someone who would use something as natural and wholesome as the sun for their own selfish world dominating plans is purely evil. You can believe me when i say that the NFL Competition Committee will be looking into this. I have tried to force the NFL to adopt a Dome-only policy for all of its teams. Perhaps its time for us to revisit that proposal."
Former Dolphins running back Mercury Morris had this to say:" The Patriots ain't nowhere near as good as my '72 Dolphins. Dont call me when you get into my town...call me when I'm on your block. I got my tux and my champagne and i will celebrate and dance when they lose this Sunday. I respect the Patriots, as long as they dont mind being my bitch. Thats right my bitch. Even if they win the Super Bowl, they are still second to the Dolphins because we did it first. They are taking our sloppy seconds. After we wined and dined The Perfect Season, and took her home and ravished her all night, using manly lovemaking techniques taught to us by Tantric masters Don Shula and Larry Csonka, New England snuck in the window and had their way with The Perfect Season while she was passed out from the exertion of the 72 Dolphins manly vigorous lovemaking. She didn't even know they were there. She slept through the entire ordeal. She woke up and only remembered being with us. The Patriots may have had The Perfect Season, but we were there first and ruined her for all other men..err i mean teams." Mr Morris then broke into an a cappella version of James Brown's Living In America as he was ushered off the stage.
Don Shula, Morris former coach, followed up: "I think what Eugene is saying is....ummm....okay i dont have any idea. That is one crazy mother f*cker. But the Patriots are cheaters. And Tom Brady is gay."
Reports have also been trickling in since the Chargers press conference of other teams who are now claiming that the Patriots used not only the Sun, but the all aspects of the weather to affect the outcome of games.
-Raider and Dolphins representatives are documenting how the Patriots have somehow made it snow just before, or even DURING games.
-Colt officials are making the claims that the Patriots have repeatedly made rain and unnaturally cold temperatures for their meetings.
-Even the Rams jumped on the bandwagon, saying the Patriots "somehow caused the air conditioning in the Super Dome to get set on 50 degrees just before the beginning of the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXXVI"
-Bengals team spokemen have claimed to have their own evidence, but it was allegedly stolen by four of the Bengals players and sold on eBay for money to buy cocaine to give to strippers to perform sexual acts on men to coerce them to rob banks for money to buy drugs and hookers to use to blackmail United States congressmen into passing laws making stealing money and using drugs and buying hookers and blackmail all perfectly legal within the city limits of Cincinnati.
With scandal after scandal being revealed about this once proud franchise, it can only be a matter of time before NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell levies the ultimate penalty against the Patriots. Goodell has demanded that the Patriots hand over weather reports for the past 8 years to see if there is any pattern of wrongdoing. He has hinted that if a pattern is found, the Patriots could forfeit another First round draft pick, be levied another huge fine, and possibly have weather and the sun suspended for at the very least 8 games next season.
More on this story as it unfolds.
What cheaters 
