Part IV - The final chapter
For NoRespect and Pookie who actually encouraged me with this silliness the final chapter of the alternate ending for my Super Bowl prediction. If only it were true.
......Danetka was so focused on the infrared display showing the huge fires set
by the rioting Raider fans all across the western party of the country
that he never noticed the gigantic starships arrival on the scene until it
was too late to do anything about it. Suddenly he was faced with not only
the threat to national security posed by an army of Raider zombies
controlled by a giant Evil batwinged menace that had escaped from Al Davis'
body - but an interstellar invasion to boot. What a friggin' mess. He lit
his 38th cigarette of the day from the butt of the 37th.
Suddenly his phone rang and he listened briefly and tersely replied:
"OK, send him right up".
Mancuso and Danetka were old Air Force buddies and after a few pleasantries
were out of the way they set to the task of saving the world from the clear
and present danger presented by the twin threats at Qualcomm stadium.
Danteka had some knowledge of Mancuso's research into the bizarre cult of
Raider fandom, but nothing had prepared him for the unvarnished truth as
the grizzled detective quickly brought him up to speed.
"So you're telling me that they were just once just regular, if ignorant,
schlubs who have been pulled over to the dark side by the evil power of Al
Davis' Demon?" an incredulous Danetka finally asked. "What the hell do we
do about that?, Eradication plan 9 never accounted for demonic possesion
OR alien invasions!!! We're ****ed.! "
"Glad you asked, old chum" Mancuso turned slightly and addresses the
shadow behind a console of winking lights. "You can come out now".
Into the light strode Walt Coleman dressed in his referee's zebra suit,
whistle and all. His jaw was set with determination and then he spoke:
"I've faced some tough calls before and never backed down, and if it will
help rid the world of these creeps than I will do everything I can to help
my country though I place myself directly in the path of danger".
"You're a great American Walt, We're counting on you", said Danetka, "Now
huddle up, I have a plan!" The three gathered together and began to diagram
a play that's success or failure would determine the fate of the world,
but they would need more help to see the plan through and that help would
come in the shapely form of none other than Shania Twain.
Back at the stadium the situation was now a nightmare landscape of epic
proportions. The Raider fans were aligned with precision on the field
awaiting the order to destroy. Many captains of industry, high-roller types
and regular working stiffs who were unable to escape the stadium formed a
defacto human shield for the assembled dark horde.The giant demon of Al
Davis hovered at midfield, it's massive black wings slowly churning the air
as if treading water while it stared directly up at the massive starship
that hovered overhead - it's running lights slowly changing color and a
soft thrumming sound emanating from the massive anti-matter engines.
Suddenly a door opened in the bottom of the ship and a platform lowered
itself upon which Admiral Jheelizar stood in all his purple-tentacled
majesty. He was no more than thirty yards away from the terrifying spectre
of Al's demon and these two powerful beings eyed each other suspisciously
while trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly two blinding spotlights illuminated two lone figures at each end
of the field. At the south end zone stood the figure of Walt Coleman who
faced the arrayed armies of the night with a courage beyond all reckoning.
At the north endzone was the familiar scissor-platform upon which stood
Shania Twain, still decked out in her halftime costume. The brilliant spots
reflected off her silver rhinestones that glittered brightly in the night.
The elegant lines of her black cape which revealed the spectacular curves
of her body made her resemble a cross between a Barbarella-ish sci-fi queen
of the galaxy and a biker-fantasy Raider chick.
Thirty thousand pairs of eyes scanned back and forth from end zone to end
zone causing more neck strains than an Anna Kournikova tennis match. The
eyes of both Jheelizar and Demon Al finally locked on Shania and each had
love - or was it lust? in their hearts as they seperately fantasized about
what the remainder of their evenings would be like when they had possesion
of her. Suddenly the silence was broken.
Coleman activated his belt microphone, turned up the gain and the assembled
multitudes listened in confusion as they heard him say:
"After reviewing the play, the quarterbacks arm had returned to the neutral
postion..." grunts of disbelief were starting to be heard from the Raider
fans "the call on the field of fumble is therefore reversed - it was NOT a
fumble, it was a tuck.."
At this, the dark army roared their collective anger at him and immediately
broke ranks and ran straight at the gutsy referee. Colemen wasted no time
and turned and ran at top speed out of the endzone and straight out the
nearest gate with the incensed mob just scant yards behind him. In their
hatred and fury the Raider fans saw nothing but the zebra striped shirt in
front of them as they followed it with a single-minded rage straight into
the arrayed might of the United States Army 4th infantry division.
The trap had been sprung with precision.
Meanwhile back inside the stadium Mancuso barked into his mouthpiece:
" Shania - you've got to sing like you've never sung before!...NOW!!!!"
The scantily clad Canadian diva began to sing acapella and her sensuous
and dulcet tones sliced through the charged air inside the Chargers home
field as the scissor platform again propelled her up into the warm night
air.
"The best part about be-ing a wo-man.......is the per-ogative to have a
little fuh-un..." she sang and those who were there would tell you that she
never looked or sounded better and she was absolutely not lip-synching this
time.
The red coals of Demon Al's eyes glowed brighter as he heard his black and
silver-clad desire's voice and his wings began to beat rapidly as it began
to fly straight for her. He had found a queen for his dark empire.
Jheelizar spotted the hideous creature rapidly closing in on Shania and he
trained the cross-hairs of a boltron 9000(tm) sub-atomic particle
generator and its beam fired straight into the back of the beast and
dropped it like a bad habit. The Demon let forth with a hideous echoing cry
and then it hit the manicured turf with a thud and began to burn and then
completely dissolve before their eyes, until it left nothing but a charcoal
colored smear right at the goal line. Shania put a hand to her ample bosom
and cried out: "Holy ****!"
Jheelizar put the weapon to his lips and blew a puff of smoke away from the
muzzle. He had watched many earth movies on his holoscreen and was a
particular fan of westerns. He activated his voice translator and made his
romantic intentions known by exclaiming: "Shania, you complete me".
Whether it was from relief at having been saved or from a desire to
resurrect her flagging career could not be known, but Twain fluttered her
eyelashes seductively at the alien and Jheelizar quickly used a tractor
beam to move her to a position next to him on the ship's platform. He
wrapped his tentacles around her and they hugged beneath the stadium lights
as applause from the remaining sports fans washed over them.
The platform rose back into the ship and in an instant the great engines
began to thrum louder and the ship ascended straight back up into the
heavens and was soon a bright blur streaking back in the direction of the
Crab Nebula.
Mancuso, Danetka and Coleman exchanged high fives all around. Their
unlikely alliance had saved the NFL, at least, from an embarassing P.R.
gaffe and possibly saved civilization as we know it. They made plans for a
celebratory dinner at a local Mexican restaraunt and walked triumphantly
out of the stadium punching each other in the shoulders and speculating on
the interesting first-date possiblities of Shania and Admiral Jheelizar.
They hopped into a waiting humvee and recieved a military escort to the
restaraunt where they received a much deserved hero's welcome. Many
margaritas were consumed and as they say, a good time was had by all.
What of the Raider fans? -after chasing Coleman from the stadium and being
faced with an amazing assortment of the finest weaponry that the taxpayers
money could buy, they decided that a mass surrender wasn't the worst idea
in the world and stood docilely until the instant that the demon spirit of
Al Davis had been vaporized whereupon they all snapped out of it and came
to en masse as if from a horrible nightmare and began a passionate plea to
the soldiers to spare their worthless lives.
After much spirited debate amongst the trigger-happy G.I.s they decided
that the Raider fans were probably OK now and gave them the benefit of the
doubt and set them free to pursue productive careers in the fast food
industry and none of them ever touched black and silver makeup again.
The Raiders organization fell into chaos, the team was disbanded and
removed from the NFL's charter ,and then the team's stadium was bulldozed
and used as landfill throughout Northern California. The land where the
stadium once stood was turned into a huge library and remedial programs
were started to help former fans of the team who wished to learn to read
and write. It's name? The Walter Coleman Tuck Rule Library.
To this day, the children of Oakland recite the tuck rule each day just before bedtime prayers and the Oakland Raiders have
never been heard from again.
And they all lived happily ever after.
atriots: 