PatriotsPlanet Official Joke Thread... :)

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Subject: Go Pats!

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died.
When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.
They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, Peyton," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
>
Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up
>the sidewalk, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Patriots logo flag, and in every window hung a red Patriots towel.
>
Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but
I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
>
"So what's your point Peyton?", God asked.
>
"Well, why does Tom Brady get a better house than me?"
>

God chuckled, and replied "Peyton, that's not Tom's house, it's mine."
>
GO PATS!!!!!
PROOF POSITIVE THAT GOD, IS INDEED, A PATS FAN!!!!!!! :D
 
To be Six again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dummy!"




The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna getit wrong. So leave us the hell alone and tell your troubles to someone else!
 
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
 
A fire chief is surveying the scene of a fire when he realizes two of his firefighters are unaccounted for. He rushes into the building and finds them in a bedroom having anal you-know-what.

"What the hell is going on in here?" the chief demands angrily.

One of the firemen jumps up and says, "Um, sir, I came in here and found Officer Johnson suffering from smoke inhalation."

"Well then why didn't you give him mouth-to-mouth?" the chief asks.

"I did, sir. How do you think this got started?" :eek:
 
This medicare age couple came into the doctor's office and wanted to see the doctor. Upon entering the exam room, the doctor asked the couple what was wrong.

"Well, Doc...we wanted you to see us having sex" the gentleman said. "Well, the Doc said, it is kind of an unusual request, but if there anything I can help you with, go ahead and start"

Well the couple had sex and afterwards the Doctor told them that he did not see any problems and that the appeared to be a healthy and normal couple.

The couple thanked the Doctor and left.

A week later, the same couple came back to the Doctor's office and made the same request. The Doctor said that he didn't feel it was necessary but the couple pleaded with the Doctor to look at them one more time. The Doctor relented.

After they had sex, the Doctor again told them that everything looked normal. The couple thanked him and left.

A couple of weeks passed and the couple returned back to the Doctor's office. The Doctor asked the couple why the continue to come to his when he feels that everything is okay.

The couple explained that they are not husband and wife, but having an affair. They stated that they cannot go their respective homes and the cheapest hotel in the area is $80.00 per day. When they have sex in the Doctor's office, the only have to pay $5.00 for the co-pay visit!
 
Potentially & realistically... :)

The difference between potentially and realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought

for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell
me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Robert

Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a
great

University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt
for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt!
I
would sleep with him in! a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise

for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know
how
much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and
realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars.............. but Realistically,.........we're living
with
two sluts and a queer.
_____________________________________________

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways at an insanely high rate of speed, totally worn out, shouting "WOW!... what a ride!" :)
 
JOHN KERRY WALKS IN TO A BAR

The bartender...Hi Senator,whats wrong?Sen.Kerry...nothing ,Im just fabulous.bartender...well then,whats with the long face?

I got a million of them:D
 
Joke thread?

Here's a joke.

Pacers 97
Celtics 70
 
Re: Joke thread?

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
 
Redneck Wrasslin'... :)

>Subject: Redneck Wrasslin'


A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party. He
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the
backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing,
eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10-foot man-eating
gator in my pool, and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke-holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the
gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then
slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says,
"Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How
about half a million bucks then?"

"No, thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool
 
Son of a Boston farmer goes to jail for feeling up Boston Globe reporter Nina Easton on a elevator(can you blame him she`s very sexy)Anyway,the Boston Cops have always suspected this guy of some unsolved murders in the area,he`s completely innocent of everything but the feel up of Nina,but cops think different.ANYWAY,he`s in jail,his father comes to visit him and tells his son he cant get the ground plowed ready for planting without his sons help.Father is worried he will lose the farm.Next day the son writes his father and pleads with him not to plow any of the fields on the farm because of the many bodies burried there.

A few days later his father visits him to tell his son not to worry because the Boston police came and turned over all the fields for him.READY FOR PLANTING.

Son is released from jail in time for the harvest.Nina decided not to go forward with the charges and is in fact now dating the son.
 
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