PatriotsPlanet Official Joke Thread... :)

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Q) How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery guy?

A) They can smell it all day long but they can never eat it.

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Q) What do you give an 80 year old woman for her birthday?

A) Mikey, he'll eat anything. (No, not our Mikie)

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Q) What is the sound of a pubic hair falling to the ground?

A) Pfft!

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Q) What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?

A) Thanks for the refill.

====================================

(I hope this one isn't over the line)

At the local hospital a baby is born. He astounds everyone by looking up at the doctor and asking "Are you my daddy?" The doctor replies "No little boy. I'm the doctor." Then the baby looks at the anesthesiologist and asks "Are you my daddy?" The anesthesiologist replies "No, I'm the anesthesiologist." Then the baby looks at his father and asks "Are you my daddy?" The new father, tears streaming down his face, his chest swelled with pride says "Yes son I'm your daddy."

The baby boy jumps onto the father's shoulder and starts (bleep)ing him in the ear and yelling "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!?
 
At the local hospital a baby is born. He astounds everyone by looking up at the doctor and asking "Are you my daddy?" The doctor replies "No little boy. I'm the doctor." Then the baby looks at the anesthesiologist and asks "Are you my daddy?" The anesthesiologist replies "No, I'm the anesthesiologist." Then the baby looks at his father and asks "Are you my daddy?" The new father, tears streaming down his face, his chest swelled with pride says "Yes son I'm your daddy."

The baby boy jumps onto the father's shoulder and starts (bleep)ing him in the ear and yelling "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!?
Click to expand...

That's funny.
 
Sweet Tea


A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.


Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!



Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 
RhodyPatsFan said:
Sweet Tea


A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.


Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!



Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Click to expand...


Not funny.

And offensive to every women who suffers from abuse.


:shake:
 
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
 
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says,"you can come in here. Just don't start anything.":rimshot:
 
My ex wife is accusing me of misspelling her name on purpose on the divorce papers.

Not true, it's that silent "W" at the beginning that gets me every time.
 
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time...

'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
 
"you know (the morning after pill? ).....or as I like to call it, breakfast in bed" -------Daniel Tosh
 
8acd4cd2.jpg
 
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal
car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that.
Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still
waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?'
they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled...

'Yes,' he informs the couple, you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground!!

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up
here!

......Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
 
An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
 
AllWorldTE said:
An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Click to expand...

Lol, it wasn't a silent fart.



What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter because he's not coming.


Did you know Helen Keller had a playground in her backyard?
Well, she didn't either.


How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower??
Give her a shovel.


How do you fix a dishwasher that quits working?
You slap the hell out of her.


What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.


A Blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they Don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been Buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the Pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist Who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"
 
RG and this hot young blonde walk into the jewelry store. RG asks to see the diamond rings. The clerk takes a tray from the display cabinet. RG says, "Young man, I need a special ring for this special lady." The clerk quickly goes to the safe and brings back the high end diamonds. RG points to a $40,000 ring and says "We'll take that one." He then gives the clerk a check for the amount and says, "I know that you will want to make sure a check of this size clears before you give us the ring, so deposit the check and we will come in on Monday to pick up the ring. On Monday, the clerk calls RG and says, "Sir, you don't have sufficient funds in your account." RG says, "Of course I don't, but let me tell you about my weekend!"
 
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5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...


Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!




THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
 
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

F*ck it, let her cook in the dark.
 
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