December 7, 2010
NEW YORK, NY
New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan remains under heavy sedation in a downtown hospital today after being admitted overnight, Team sources said.
Emergency Room personnel stated that Ryan was brought in seemingly incoherent saying that he had run into Bill Belichick, HCNEP, during the pre-game warmup at Gillette Stadium before being humiliated by a 45-3 epic ass-kicking last night.
Ryan said when he jocularly inquired of Belichick what he could expect from him, the NE Head Coach responded,
"Oh nothing much Rex, just a little liposuction."
ER Trauma Specialists said they had never seen such damage inflicted on one person as they found with Ryan. "The patient had a colonoscopy, stomach stapling, all four molars removed, an esophagus tightening, a vasectomy and up to 10 liters of Botox injected into each bottock.
All was done with great force and without normal anesthesia, completely against the covenants of The Hippocratic Oath."
When asked to comment, Belichick said curtly, "I'm just focused on our next game against the Bears now."
A spokesman for Ryan said further comments would be forthcoming about possible litigation after Ryan's tongue is unstitched from the tip of his nose.
Sources also state Belichick was heard to say to Lady-ian Tomlinson as both left the field last evening, "How did you like the tubal ligation you just received, bitch."
The Doctor definitely made a House Call last night.
