I miss my ex. Advice?

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Brownfan80

Brownfan80

Dad of 7, still love the Pats!
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I'm going to give a short backstory to a current situation, judge what you want, whatever, I just need some advice.

I dated my Ex for 8 years. We were engaged for a long time. We didn't get married during that long time because I felt there were unresolved issues with communication that we needed to work through before making that step.

I cheated, twice. I don't want to get into the back story on why I cheated. It doesn't really matter. The first time happened in 2005, the second in 2008 (which led directly to our breakup).

Since we broke up, I have off and on been trying to get her back (at other times I have been trying wholeheartedly to move on, it's very confusing). She has been rejecting me and maintaining that she only wants to be friends, but that she doesn't want to date. She does want to keep talking to me.

This situation was hard on me. So finally in January I gave her an ultimatum. I needed to date her, or to move on completely. We talked it out and she said she still didn't want to date again, but that she did want to remain friends.

I started dating the new girl in early February and stopped talking to my Ex. During this time she eventually got me to answer my phone and told me that she still cared about me, missed me, physically and emotionally, etc etc. It eventually didn't work out with my new girl, partially because we weren't a great fit personality-wise and partially because part of my heart was still holding on to the Ex.

My Ex has since started dating someone else. I do want her back, but I know that it's probably not going to happen. She is back to her January stance that she wants to stay friends, but not date.

It seems to me that she only told me those things while I was dating someone else.

I thought she meant them.

Now I am facing a lease that runs out in May, and I am contemplating leaving FL. I feel like there isn't much left here for me anymore. If I can't work it out with her, I don't want to be here. I want to go back home to my family who I have hardly seen in 8 years.

But my heart still wants my Ex.

I know many will be colored by my cheating in their opinions of this situation, and if you judge me on it that is fine by me. I judge myself harshly so I do not doubt that others will too. I deserve it.

But, my question remains: Do I let her go and go back home? Or stick it out and try to win back what is important to me?

It was only a month ago that she said she still cared. I don't know if it was true or not, but I loved her for 8 years, and my heart can't help but hold onto that hope.
 
Honestly, buddy? Move on let her go. It will be tough to do, but in the limited information you've provided, it seems to be for the best. Short term pain will lead to long term gain. Put yourself in a better position all around and don't hold up your life hoping someone else will start to love you again. Surround yourself with friends/family, and go from there.
 
Move on, move out, and move along. You are right about one thing. The only time she changed her tune is when you were dating someone else. She's playing you, either for a nice security back up, or for payback. Either way, she's poison. The past is the past. Time to live in the present and look to the future.

Oh and what a reeeeeaaaallly shitty time to quit drinkin!
 
I have to agree with MD.

Lost love is one of the hardest things to deal with, but sometimes you have to just accept when something is over and move on. It's not easy, but it sounds like in this case, that's probably the best thing for you right now.

Best of luck whatever you decide.
 
shirtsleeve said:
Move on, move out, and move along. You are right about one thing. The only time she changed her tune is when you were dating someone else. She's playing you, either for a nice security back up, or for payback. Either way, she's poison. The past is the past. Time to live in the present and look to the future.

Oh and what a reeeeeaaaallly shitty time to quit drinkin!
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No kidding on the drinking, but honestly that's exactly why I decided it. I knew that with as low as things are getting for me that booze might be the gasoline to end me up in a terrible explosion in my life.

Thank you for the advice, Dave as well. I figured that this would be the response. It just sucks. I feel like I have ruined and lost the one real thing in my life. But I have to remind myself that my family and true friends are real too.
 
Brownfan80 said:
No kidding on the drinking, but honestly that's exactly why I decided it. I knew that with as low as things are getting for me that booze might be the gasoline to end me up in a terrible explosion in my life.

Thank you for the advice, Dave as well. I figured that this would be the response. It just sucks. I feel like I have ruined and lost the one real thing in my life. But I have to remind myself that my family and true friends are real too.
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Ya gotta let it go. You screwed up for whatever reasons back then. Usually that is symptomatic of other issues. So it wasn't meant to be. Your family and friends back home will be of great help getting you grounded. Look at this as a time to begin anew. A clean slate.
 
brownfan - i'm actually with my girlfriend of close to 4 years now, 6 on and off, and we've been through a lot of the similiar stuff

so all i can say is, it sounds liek the girl is playing some games and only wanted what she couldn't have and she likes the idea of someone giving her undying attention while she kinda just plays it off and does whatever she wants.

so i agree with everyone and say move on man. there's plenty of fishies in the sea... some probably look and act exactly like her, so find one of those and you'll never know the difference lol jk
 
As others have said its probably best to move on. I understand to a degree of what you are feeling, that sometimes no matter how bad you want something it just isnt going to happen. I have been through that recently.

A change of scenery might be what is best for you in the long run.
 
You know, it seems all of us have that first real relationship that we think we are going to get married in. Ususally you are young and have been with that person for a long time so it's real hard and shocking when it ends. I'd say start over. There is too many things that are gonna cause problems- especially with the cheating. Trust and respect has to be there in order for a relationship to work.

I was in a relationship like yours and I was the one that cheated. I thought I loved him but lonliness was just doing me in (he was in the Army, several months inbetween visits). I talked to my friend about it and she told me some of the best advice I have ever heard- "you don't cheat on someone you love". And it's as plain as that. Knowing what real love is now, with the husband and death would suit me better than another lover, I know it was not love. But after all those years and feeling like we had something that really wasn't, it was hard to admit it all and break up for good. Soon after, I met my husband and everything has been great.

Now, it's hard to comment on this because we have no clue how she really feels, but the fact that she told you only when you had someone else does not sit right. Especially when she got over those feelings after meeting some other guy.

It sounds corny, but if it is meant to be, it'll happen without force. Don't make decisions based on your want of her when she isn't reciprocating any sacrifice for you. There may be the perfect gal out there for you, you might meet her tomorrow. But just like dudes that can smell problems a mile away from a vulnerable girl, we smell a hurting guy, too. Some women, like men, may take advantage of it, or someone great might just stay clear of you. We all like our confidence. I would take me a super dork over a smooth jock if the first one had true self confidence over the other.

Take it easy, brotha. You are a catch. Who ever she is, find someone that is past all the bullshit of youth. It could even be a young chick, but someone is who they are with no hidden aspects of their life.

Good luck :)
 
Hey BF, sorry that you're having such a tough time. If you don't have a job that's keeping you in FL, then maybe it's time for a change of scenery. I'm not big on cliches, but whatever is meant to be will happen. You both may find each other down the line and decide that you want to be together again. But as long as you stay where she is, it's going to be really difficult to move on.

Also, as far as the cheating, I believe that if people do step outside their relationships, there's something missing to begin with. So even though you may have regrets about that, it might have been a sign for you that things weren't right there. I know that there's that comfort level about being with the same person and not having to start over, but you should give it a try instead of staying stagnant.

Good luck! Hope everything works out for you. And good for you for not wallowing in alcohol right now.
 
shirtsleeve said:
Move on, move out, and move along. You are right about one thing. The only time she changed her tune is when you were dating someone else. She's playing you, either for a nice security back up, or for payback. Either way, she's poison. The past is the past. Time to live in the present and look to the future.

Oh and what a reeeeeaaaallly shitty time to quit drinkin!
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That, and she might also be having a hard time saying goodbye to something that was so well for so long.

I'm sure it's hard on the both of you. Go home, visit family, connect with yourself. Maybe take a voyage where you can just think and enjoy nature and take in the spirituality of it all. That's when I do my best thinking.

And, as always- wear a jimmy hat. :D
 
PatsFanLisa said:
Hey BF, sorry that you're having such a tough time. If you don't have a job that's keeping you in FL, then maybe it's time for a change of scenery. I'm not big on cliches, but whatever is meant to be will happen. You both may find each other down the line and decide that you want to be together again. But as long as you stay where she is, it's going to be really difficult to move on.

Also, as far as the cheating, I believe that if people do step outside their relationships, there's something missing to begin with. So even though you may have regrets about that, it might have been a sign for you that things weren't right there. I know that there's that comfort level about being with the same person and not having to start over, but you should give it a try instead of staying stagnant.

Good luck! Hope everything works out for you. And good for you for not wallowing in alcohol right now.
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Great post PFL. Hit the nail on the head.
 
VYF said:
I told him that several times over the past year. Go home to NC and be with your family.
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Gawtdamnit, BF. You should have listened to VYF earlier.

Do it.
 
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