Alzheimer's

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Let me remind you all that those people you are caring for are very very very lucky to have you all in their lives too. wuv
 
My heart breaks for all of you dealing with this. My Dad died from Alzheimers, and it was an ordeal. Can't even begin to tell you some of the painful stories. My Mom is 93 now and in assisted living, which is a godsend. I have it easier in that respect this time around, but it's still a lot of work keeping up with the finances, the medical care, the errands and coping with the dementia and the decline of someone you love. I have had almost no help from siblings, only from my wife, god bless her. I cleaned out and sold her house singlehandedly. When my Dad went, it was 22 years ago, and there wasn't any assisted living or even that much understanding of what Alzheimers was. It was hell. When he died it was a blessing, for him and for all of us. There was not a shred left of him that recognized us, or anything else. The whole ordeal changed me a great deal personally.
You ladies hang in there. Just remember, you're doing the right thing first and foremost. But you do need to take care of yourselves. If you hire help, do it so you can get some time for yourself. You can't help anyone if you don't take care of yourself.
Also talk to an elder law attorney because even if they refuse assisted living or nursing home care, you can force that issue if they can't take care of themselves. And it's not cruel or unreasonable to consider. I can give you a referral to a good lawyer in the field, PM me if you wish.

God bless....
 
Muse said:
I know I will be challenged and that is my concern that I will fail and fail miserably. I am fortunate that there are two adults with me in the house so I am not doing it alone. I know it is probably harder then I might be conveying here. Hence again my concern. My sister has been keeping notes and I will get that also on Saturday when we go pick mom up. I already told my son he is on memere duty when I am in so much pain that I can't focus and need to be still. He will have to step up. I know he will but it will be new to him and my husband. I have a good taste of what it is like. I am already stressing and she is not even here yet. I will find out soon enough if I can do this justice and help her and return and give back all the times she has done this for me.

What else can I say or do? Hence why I started the thread.
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My mother died in Dec 2013, not of Alzheimers but of a different type of dementia, and I helped my father look after her for about 5 years before she went into hospital at the end of 2012. You probably know most of this already, but some fairly general advice - accept that your life is not necessarily your own any more; do NOT beat yourself up about losing patience with your mother - it happens (I once, bizarrely and memorably, shouted and screamed at my mum for taking the towels from my bathroom and hiding them - I've no idea why something so minor caused me to lose it when I dealt fairly stoically with much worse); and keep an eye on the people around you and be aware of how they are affected by things.

The other thing I would mention is that in mid-2008 I got very depressed about things and eventually realised that this was mainly due to the constant friction that existed between my mum and I - she seemed to need someone to be the 'bad guy', with whom she could be argumentative and often unpleasant, and that was usually me. I eventually realised that the way to deal with this without taking it quite so personally was to regard her not so much as my mother - personality-wise she was unrecognisable - but to think of her more as 'someone we had to look after'. This change of mindset helped to depersonalise things and took most of the sting out of her venom.

Hope some of that helps and I wish you luck.
 
Thanks I really appreciate all the advice and comments. My sister in VA sent me a list of things I need to watch out for. It was long and she wan't done when she sent it. Like I told someone, my brain read the list and it told my heart it was on its own for the brain was going on vacation.

It shows how bad this ailment is. When I last saw mom last year for a number of weeks she was forgetting but it was not at this level but she is in a different home and envirnoment which throws her off. That was one of my concerns prior to us bringing her down our way. Will let the family read the list and remind them of things. They have not seen her in any way other apart from how she use to be. So this will be challenging.

Again, thanks everyone. It helps to talk about it.
 
It's sad to read all of this. I can't offer any advice. Like others, I can only offer an ear and shoulder to cry on.

My wife and I have been fortunate, if that's the correct term. We've had a couple of our elders living with us including her mother when she was in the last year of her battle with cancer. While it was difficult, we didn't have to deal with the scourge of dimentia/alzheimer's.

My 84 year old mom is that last of the parents left. While there's a decent chance she'll end up living with us, she still has a very sharp mind. She's just becoming a cranky old lady.

Best wishes for everyone and keep coming here to vent. It's what we do.
 
bideau said:
It's sad to read all of this. I can't offer any advice. Like others, I can only offer an ear and shoulder to cry on.

My wife and I have been fortunate, if that's the correct term. We've had a couple of our elders living with us including her mother when she was in the last year of her battle with cancer. While it was difficult, we didn't have to deal with the scourge of dimentia/alzheimer's.

My 84 year old mom is that last of the parents left. While there's a decent chance she'll end up living with us, she still has a very sharp mind. She's just becoming a cranky old lady.

Best wishes for everyone and keep coming here to vent. It's what we do.
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Thanks shugs. It does help to come to the thread and vent and talk about it. I been reading up on this disease since we saw the onset of this in 2012 after my stepdad died. But you are never really prepared. My family is afflicted with cancer and this disease on my mother's side while my dad's side it is heart problems for the men. Cancer is hard to deal with, we lost in the teens if not in the twenties family members to cancer in the 1990ies alone.

It is snowing with ice and sleet for us again so we need to watch the roads this weekend.
 
Something else I just recalled: if you have someone with dementia/alzheimers, any surgical procedure, at least to me, worsens the condition. My aunt took a nose dive after we had her skin cancer removed in late June. We had to have it cut off, even though the doctor said it was the kind that wasn't going to spread. The problem was she kept forgetting what it was and tried several times to remove it herself. She was only under for about 40 minutes, but I saw the difference really quickly.

A friend's father had to have 3 surgeries in September. His went from "off/odd" and out of his mind. She and I firmly believe the anesthetia caused the nose dive. I think this was the reason one of her doctor's told us to leave it alone. He just wouldn't come out and say that it could make everything that much more difficult.
 
Pyxis said:
Something else I just recalled: if you have someone with dementia/alzheimers, any surgical procedure, at least to me, worsens the condition. My aunt took a nose dive after we had her skin cancer removed in late June. We had to have it cut off, even though the doctor said it was the kind that wasn't going to spread. The problem was she kept forgetting what it was and tried several times to remove it herself. She was only under for about 40 minutes, but I saw the difference really quickly.

A friend's father had to have 3 surgeries in September. His went from "off/odd" and out of his mind. She and I firmly believe the anesthetia caused the nose dive. I think this was the reason one of her doctor's told us to leave it alone. He just wouldn't come out and say that it could make everything that much more difficult.
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That is definitely good to know, thanks.

We are fortunate that my mom is strong like bull. Seriously, I wish I was in the shape she is in at 77. Will count this a blessing.
 
Anaesthesia absolutely worsens everything in elderly people. My mom had surgery about 8 years ago, and that really was the beginning. Amusingly enough, when she came out of surgery for days afterwards she would ask us what Ted Williams was doing standing in the corner with a clown nose on for.

I kid you not. That's when mom was still sweet and fun. Days in a very distant memory for me.
 
I'm glad I didn't just get fed up with her and imagine that the surgery did her in. There is a connection.

I was just thinking back to some of the things she said to me last summer. Really mean shit that I just blew off at the time. Mostly because I had a wine glass in my hand.
 
Mom has not gotten there yet. But she has her spouts of anger that come once in a while. I guess I need to brace myself, huh?

Last time I visited her I interviewed her for a book I will be doing about my family up in Northern Maine. I have her on tape talking in French and English about growing up and so forth. I did this for another reason. I wanted to get her on tape befor she started getting worse. During the tapings she said a couple of things about my sister that I knew about but was suprised she just came out and said it. And after she said it she resumed with what we were doing. So maybe that is the start of it? It wasn't said in anger but it was just odd that out of the blue her making not so nice statements. I try to tell my sisters that our mom is not a foolish woman, she pays attention to what is going on, well as of last year for her to make the remarks she did.

When she makes it to me I will be taking videos if I able to. I want us to have good memories down the road. That is if she lets me. She loved being interviewed, we went over 100 questions. Some days she would turn to me and said, "Do you have any more questions to ask me?" But this was last year, not sure how it will play out.


Keeping note of what you are all writing. Went over the list again of what my sister said I needed to be aware of, it was two pages long and I already added a few things. Son read it and looked at me. I told him you need ot know this, memorize this and do it. Period.

I'm concerned about Jasper. He loves my mom, I mean he LOVES my mom since she whistles, we are not whistleers in any sense, and she will speak to him and sing to him in French. But he has his moods and is honory so need to keep him in check. Which will be oh so fun since we rarely lock him up due to his past with his first owner. But if we need to we will.

Countdown has begun, assuming my sister can meet us if the roads are not iced over.
 
My aunt could tell me what color underwear she had on on June 5, 1943, but told my BIL she hadn't been fed all day (we had just returned from dinner about 30 seconds before) so..........

Yeah. There is no way to really prepare yourself. Everyday is a new day. And sometimes it's Groundhog Day. This may be difficult for your son, depending on his age and disposition.

She really got into puzzles for awhile. As soon as she finished one, we'd box it up and dump another one out. She did the same 4 all summer long.
 
Pyxis said:
My aunt could tell me what color underwear she had on on June 5, 1943, but told my BIL she hadn't been fed all day (we had just returned from dinner about 30 seconds before) so..........

Yeah. There is no way to really prepare yourself. Everyday is a new day. And sometimes it's Groundhog Day. This may be difficult for your son, depending on his age and disposition.

She really got into puzzles for awhile. As soon as she finished one, we'd box it up and dump another one out. She did the same 4 all summer long.
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We did notice that. Her long term memory is sharp as a tack, her short term, meh. My sister said it best, the one in VA, when she said it is like every day you are hitting reset.

Mom loves puzzles but will only do them if someone does them with her. Not a problem I love puzzles and I make the ones of birdies and butterflies and lighthouses, things I collect, and frame them on my walls. So that is on my list of things we can do. We both knit so that is something else. We both like to walk and exercise so that will be another thing. Making a list of things that we might be able to do to stay busy or focused.

Hmm I like that about her doing four puzzles. It kept her happy for the summer. Yay.

As for my son he is the most laid back person in the world, the only one that tops him is his dad. But this is so different, so out of norm I have no clue how they will be. But they both know I am not doing this alone, I can't, not when there are days I need to be on the couch all day due to pain. They know they are expected to step up and I know they both will. How they will deal with it I am not sure, time will tell.
 
Muse I am so very sorry your dealing with this. It's a very difficult thing. My grandmother and aunts and uncles are suffering or have suffered from this.

Lisa you too you both have my sympathy and thoughts.

I'm not sure which is worse at the moment having your mind go or as my mom and mother-in-law both had ALS and had their bodies go. Sometimes life really throws you a curve ball. Hang in there. Remember them as they were. Stay strong as I know you both are.

~Dee~
 
PatsFanLisa said:
Anaesthesia absolutely worsens everything in elderly people. My mom had surgery about 8 years ago, and that really was the beginning. Amusingly enough, when she came out of surgery for days afterwards she would ask us what Ted Williams was doing standing in the corner with a clown nose on for.

I kid you not. That's when mom was still sweet and fun. Days in a very distant memory for me.
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My mom had one of her knees replaced a couple of years ago. During the days that followed, she went nuclear on the family, telling each of us everything that was wrong with us, with a specific shot at my wife and sister ("I don't like the person that you (pointing at my wife) become when you're with her (pointing at my sister)"). Some of my siblings are still offended. The rest of us are still laughing, especially my wife and sister.

My mom needs to have her other knee replaced, but she's so embarrassed by how she acted after the surgery that she's refusing to do it.
 
bideau said:
My mom had one of her knees replaced a couple of years ago. During the days that followed, she went nuclear on the family, telling each of us everything that was wrong with us, with a specific shot at my wife and sister ("I don't like the person that you (pointing at my wife) become when you're with her (pointing at my sister)"). Some of my siblings are still offended. The rest of us are still laughing, especially my wife and sister.

My mom needs to have her other knee replaced, but she's so embarrassed by how she acted after the surgery that she's refusing to do it.
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Gotta laugh at it. Glad your wife and sister are able to.

Thanks Dee. Just got another sheet of notes to go over from my sister, this makes three full sheets and I have made one of my own also for the family.
 
One day, I thought I had a brilliant plan to keep her from taking the purse apart and hiding everything. I put neon green post it notes on the wallet, the house keys, the checkbook etc that read "DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING OUT OF YOUR PURSE AND HIDE IT!!!" I even signed the damned things.

I came back a few minutes later and all of them were in the trash, the purse was dismantled and parts hidden and

she says, "What the hell were these doing on everything in my purse?"
Me: Did you read them?
Her: Yes.
Me: Where is your purse?
Her: I have no idea.

:facepalm:
 
Pyxis said:
One day, I thought I had a brilliant plan to keep her from taking the purse apart and hiding everything. I put neon green post it notes on the wallet, the house keys, the checkbook etc that read "DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING OUT OF YOUR PURSE AND HIDE IT!!!" I even signed the damned things.

I came back a few minutes later and all of them were in the trash, the purse was dismantled and parts hidden and

she says, "What the hell were these doing on everything in my purse?"
Me: Did you read them?
Her: Yes.
Me: Where is your purse?
Her: I have no idea.

:facepalm:
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I'm sorry for laughing for I know I will be in this position in just a matter of days and it won't be funny. Oh man I don't drink but I might start. I do drink wine, does that count? I may need to get some bottles.
 
Muse you have to laugh, or you will go crazy. I remember one time I was with my Mom and the visiting nurses were there. She looked right at me and said, I am going to get some bleach and scrub ALL those tattoos off you. The look in her eyes was pure evil, and I said "Well one ya cant do that they wont scrub off and 2 good thing you cant get up the stairs to try it lol". There are SO many more stories to tell....good and bad. Bottom line for me is...I did EVERYTHING I could for her and I can sleep at night. Now my youngest sister didn't and blames us for everything. Her problem, not ours. Do remember to take time for yourself too....you have to or you will go insane
 
sammi71 said:
Muse you have to laugh, or you will go crazy. I remember one time I was with my Mom and the visiting nurses were there. She looked right at me and said, I am going to get some bleach and scrub ALL those tattoos off you. The look in her eyes was pure evil, and I said "Well one ya cant do that they wont scrub off and 2 good thing you cant get up the stairs to try it lol". There are SO many more stories to tell....good and bad. Bottom line for me is...I did EVERYTHING I could for her and I can sleep at night. Now my youngest sister didn't and blames us for everything. Her problem, not ours. Do remember to take time for yourself too....you have to or you will go insane
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Jenn and everyone else, please feel free to share funny stories. I will need them. You are right. I hope I don't forget to laugh for I so do love to laugh often and as much as I can. Love that tattoo story. LOL
 
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