This is one of my more embarrassing memories and I'll try to tell it as accurately as I can. It was the fart that made me famous.
So, I'm about 14 and it's Christmas Eve and I'm planning on going to Midnight Mass at my local church with 4 or 5 friends. One thing about Christmas is that everybody at that time went out and bought a sampler pack from Hillshire farms with sausage, pepperoni, cheese and so forth and I had sampled it heartily.
So, we get to Church at the last minute and the only seats were way at the very front and we hustle in just as the show was beginning. Within 10 minutes I realize that my stomach is absolutely roiling and I start getting painful cramps. I can't think of anything else and I break out in a cold sweat that was just running down my forehead. I realize that I'm dying and the pressure is building with each passing minute, which seemed like hours.
I realize that I either had to run to the rest room and feel the eyes of every person in that packed room on me (not my favorite thing at that time) or maybe, the thought occurs to me, I
could sneak a fart out and nobody would notice. It was panic time in my body and before I could make a run for it, I tried to release a silent, soft fart that would hopefully go unnoticed
by anybody.
Well.......that baby fart I was hoping for turned out to be an incredibly loud BLAAAATTTTTTT!!!!! that seemed to reverberate from the unforgiving pew like a note from a tuba and every single person in that building heard it. Yes, It came upon a Midnight Clear and was immediately followed by a stunned silence as even the priest stopped his homily and his eyes tracked directly on me and began boring holes straight into my soul.
My humiliation was not yet complete, though, as my friends finally comprehended what had just happened and began to cackle helplessly as the laughter started to spread like wildfire. Unfortunately, it was not just an audible desecration as the smell from ground zero gradually intensified well after the echoes had died out. It was a totally gross melange of low tide
and egg salad. It was a true, five-star horrendo. By far, the worst fart of my life.
The late-blooming stench caused my friends and people in a disturbingly wide circle to cough and gag and the disruption to the holy proceedings was...... of major significance
The Priest hadn't yet said a word and I silently prayed for his mercy. Finally, he spit one thunderous word "PLEASE!!!!!" and this started my friends off again as they all doubled over trying their mightiest to hold in the hysterical giggles. They were crying.
Worse still, the massive fart had only partially relieved my horrible cramps but I was frozen in place and just locked my butthole tighter than a bank vault until it was, at long last, time to walk home while my friends giddily tried to capture the moment for all eternity by trying out dozens of snappy nicknames. I can't really remember all of them, but "The Midnight Farter" seemed to stick the longest. It was a fart of legend and I was it's reluctant author. So bad, in fact, that everybody in school including Teachers heard about. My social standing went though the floorboards, although some thought it was awesome.
True story.
