My Patriots heart, and soul, poured into a Karma thread post.
Well boys, it's been a great run. But we all knew it had to end sometime.
For those of you who don't have access to a TARDIS like I do, here's how this is gonna go down.
Minutes before the game the Pats feel prepared, Belichick and his minions had good sessions of self scouting during the bye week and the players had a great week of practice leading up to the divisional game and they feel confident about the team's chances.
Then, Belichick is handed a telegram from a delivery boy that looks suspiciously like the
ghost of Tony Dungy. Before Belichick can ask him about it, and more importantly why anyone would send a telegram in our digital age the delivery boy runs away when he spots some food coming towards him.
The telegram reads as follows...
*** FROM THE HONORABLE ROGER GOODELL, LORD AND EMPEROR OF THE NFL *** STOP
*** HEY THAT RHYMES! *** STOP
*** TO THE REPREHENSIBLE WILLIAM BELICHICK, DARK LORD OF THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS *** STOP
*** BE ADVISED THAT THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS *** STOP
*** MODEL FRANCHISE FOR THE NFL *** STOP
*** HAVE BEEN GRANTED SPECIAL DISPENSATION *** STOP
*** TO SIGN FREE AGENTS WITHOUT THE MINIMUM NOTICE PERIOD *** STOP
*** BECAUSE I'M A FORMER JET NOW IN A POSITION OF POWER, AND A CROOKED BASTARD *** STOP
*** STRIKE THAT LAST LINE *** STOP
*** YOURS TRULY, THE GREATEST COMMISSIONER THE NFL HAS EVER KNOWN OR WILL EVER KNOW *** STOP
*** ROGER, GOD, GOODELL *** STOP
*** MESSAGE ENDS ***
Belichick: "God damn it
NSPatsFan, This is the same gag you
used in your Buffalo Bills karma post!"
NSPatsFan: "I know, but come on the Colts REALLY DID sign a former Patriot this week!"
Belichick: "Grrrrr...."
Anyway, after making me run laps despite the fact I'm not actually on the team (I was too scared to say no!) Belichick looks up to see the "Colts" running on to the field. Deion Branch, Adam Vinatieri, Ty Law, Tedy Bruschi, Willie McGuinest, Mike Vrabel, and
Human Growth Harrison, all led by the redoubtable Andrew Luck storm Gillette Stadium looking like a roman legion on its way to the slaughter.
Belichick, who's known for calm under pressure, isn't fazed and gets to work on advising his current players of all his former player's weaknesses when he notices the intense rain that's been pelting the razor begin to let up.
Belichick looks into the sky, His finger shoots upward. “What the hell’s that?” he shrieks.
A giant dome, emblazed with the logo of the Indianapolis Colts hovers above Gillette Stadium and effectively blocks the weather. The dome hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't, until it was lowered to the ground by the commander of the Goodell blimp fleet that was carrying it, Bill Polian.
Just then a representative from the league, a Mr. L. Prosser, approaches Belichick.
Prosser: "Good day Mr Belichick, what seems to be the problem?"
Belichick: "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?"
Prosser: "Terribly sorry Mr Belichick, it seems your stadium is in the way of a new
bypass we're building, so this dome is to protect it during the construction."
Belichick: "What? I never heard about that!"
Prosser: “But Mr. Belichick, the plans have been available in the local planning office for the last nine months.”
Belichick: "What PLANS? What are you talking about, You might as well be saying to me beware of the leopard for all the sense you're making! and WHY does it have a Colts logo on it?"
Prosser: "Oh that, well the Indianapolis Colts, a FANTASTIC organization by the way, were so kind as to help sponsor this project."
Belichick: "DAMN YOU
NSPATSFAN! It's one thing you give the Colts all our old superstars, now you're making this an INDOOR game? Have you no shame?!?"
NSPatsFan: "Coach, I can't stand to lose to the god damn Colts in the playoffs again, so I'm pulling out ALL the stops in this Karma thread."
Belichick: "Grrrrr...."
As the game begins the players, especially Tom Brady who as we all know is suffering from a cold, notice that it's super hot in the now domed stadium. The camera, which I never mentioned before but now need as a plot device, pans to a non-descript truck with wires going to and from it. Inside we see Bill Polian with his hand on a dial that says "Stadium heat to heat up the PAT-TREE-OTS golden boy QB so his cold makes him weaker 3000" Even though I've used that gag before too.
The game finally starts with the Patriots facing overwhelming odds. The Colts win the toss and defer, giving the ball to the Patriots. As Brady takes the field, it starts to rain on him. It turns out that this dome has the ability to open anywhere and the Bypass committee is testing it, entirely by coincidence, only when the Patriots offense is on the field. Just then a sound so loud it hurts the ears of the Patriots players and their fans descends on Gillette Stadium. "IT'S MY LIIIIIIIIIFE, IT'S NOW OR NEVERRRRRR! CUZ I AIN'T GONNA LIIIIIVE FOREVERRRRRRR! I JUST WANNA LIVE WHILE I'M ALIIIIIIIVE!" Polian, who's now working the "Let's pump in noise while the PAT-TREE-OTS offense is on the field 3000" machine lets a cruel smile form across his cryptkeeper-like lips. "HOW DO YOU LIKE BON JOVI NOW BELLYCHEAT?!?"
Brady, feeling absolutely terrible because of his cold, the rain, the heat, and now the deafening sound buckles down. He leads a masterful drive that culminates with a 3 yard TD strike to Shane Vereen, making the score 7-0 Patriots.
The great Andrew Luck, the best Quarterback in the NFL today, takes the field after Gostkowski's touchback and leads a drive of his own. Now at the 2 yard line he hands off to Donald Brown who fumbles and is picked up by Andrew Luckinkovich who we know as Rob Ninkovich but he lost a bet to a friend and had to change his name for the game. As the dome opens suddenly and the rain starts to pour, Luckinkovich, unfazed, runs it 98 yards to the End Zone for a touchdown, putting the Patriots up 14-0.
The masterful Andrew Luck, known throughout the land as the most sensational, incredible, fantastic quarterback who has ever or will ever live, starts the next drive at the 20. With the conditions pristine with the dome closed he uncharactaristally fails to gain a yard. Chuck Pagano, feeling lucky for some odd reason, sends out Colts legend Adam Vinatieri to attempt a 97 yard field goal. The kick goes up, but predictably starts to drop about 50 yards down the field, but amazingly it rises up again and floats through the uprights, making the score 14-3 Patriots. The camera, which once again I've forgotten about but now need again to advance the story, shows Bill Polian now controlling the "Ball sucker built into the dome to help long field goals by the Colts but not the PAT-TREE-OTS 3000" Ball sucker being Polian's nickname during his frat days.
After Vinatieri's touchback, Brady now feeling like death, goes back out onto the field and still manages to lead a drive down the field. Now at the Colts 13, he hands the ball off to Stevan Ridley who busts it up the gut and into the end zone for a 21-3 Patriot lead! The Foxboro faithful is in full celebration mode and are mercilessly taunting the Colts on their sideline. Belichick remarks "That Ridley, he's really made a believer out of me, I trust his ball security to the end of time!"
The Colts, even though being led by the most stupendous, wonderful, brilliantly great quarterback of all time past, present or future, Andrew Luck, go 3 and out again. Pagano sends Vinateri out again but this time the Field Goal falls flat 50 or so yards down the field, when the camera I keep taking out of and bringing back to the story pans to the truck Polian was in it now finds a half eaten slice of Papa John's on the control board and Polian, lying in agony on the floor screaming "
OH GOD, THIS THING IS TEARING MY INSIDES!" Then, Sideshow Mel walks up to Polian and says "That wasn't a metal one that was a regular Krusty-O" to which Polian replies "It's poison!" and points to the Papa John's slice. Just as the medical staff is about to treat Polian Papa John himself shows up and screams "I AIN'T PAYIN FOR THIS SHIT!" and storms off. The medical staff, with no funds are forced to let Polian slip off to heaven, where he's welcomed as a hero because he took on the
evil Patriot empire. God even gives him a medal!
The Patriots take over at the Colts' 20 and look to put this game on ice, they methodically march down the field through the driving rain, sloigging off 3 and 4 yards at a time until they find themselves at the Colts' goal line. Brady then hands off to Ridley. Belichick, supremely confident in his running back, starts to celebrate this historic victory. Ridley, takes the handoff and then is immediately confronted with the Jedi Ghost of Peyton Manning, wearing his old Colts #18. Ridley then screams "G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GHOST!" and drops the ball, running off into the night, never to be seen again, until the next time the game is on the line. Andrew Luck, who Pagano had put in on defence for the play, picks the ball up and dives 99 yards to the End Zone to make the score 21-10. Peyton's ghost stands at midfield, and Belichick runs up to him and yells "But... but, you're not even dead!" Peyton starts to explain exactly how this has happened but then the Slice of Papa John's that killed Polian, now having reached sentience because it's so damn nasty, pushes the Bon Jovi music button and Peyton's explaination is drowned out. He then ascends to heaven and lives in a state of perpetual orgies with young farmboys and endorsements for shitty pizza, his own personal heaven.
After the Ridley fumble the tide has turned, the positively orgasmic Andrew Luck leads his team all the way back and takes a commanding lead, capping it off with a 99 yard strike to Deion Branch. Branch is asked by a fan why he did it, to which he replies "STRAIGHT CASH, HOMIE!"
Brady, long since passed out from heat exhaustion due to his cold, is replaced by Ryan Mallett. The Patriots are down by 34 with 17 seconds left, but an obscure rule only Belichick knows about, because he's such an effin genius, can get the Patriots back into the game. How it works is explained in
this video. Anyway, Mallett goes back to pass, he's about to win the game for the Patriots with a deep ball to Julian Edelman but then Marlin Jackson blatantly pass interferes Edelman and intercepts the ball, sealing the Colts victory. The ref, under orders from Goodell, claims the pass was uncatchable and thus not pass interference, even though Jackson intercepted it.
Polian's Jedi ghost returns and orders Pagano to run up the score, so in the 17 seconds that are left Luck throws TD passes to each one of the Patriots greats the Colts had signed, getting the ball back every time because of masterful onside kicks by Vinatieri. Then Goodell deducts from the Patriots score for good measure.
Final Score
Those Angelic Colts 380
Those Cheatin PAT-TREE-OTS 3.4
