OT: Solicitation of advice

[Oedipus Tex]

Because hey, where better to turn for advise on important life decisions than anonymous strangers on an internet message board?

Seriously, I'm curious how you would handle this situation:

I'm in a serious relationship right now, to the point where I went to meet her family about 15 months ago, and have been looking at rings. That's great.

Here's the situation - my girlfriend is pretty good looking, an attractive girl, and great to be around. However, my girlfriend's younger sister is gorgeous. I mean, black hair, blue/green eyes, perfectly curved, GORGEOUS. I mean she'd be in the girly pic thread if she dressed like that (she doesn't tend to.) She likes movies, sports, computer games, is ambitious and smart (a nurse), and we get along great. We have similar values and plans about family.

We talk a lot, both with my g/f and sometimes alone. We often watch movies as a threesome, for instance, and sit up and talk about them later on. She suits my personality better than my girlfriend, with the only exception being that she's a slob. I'm no neatnick, but the girl is a serious slob.

But that's the only drawback, and while I love my girlfriend, that is starting to fade into a friendship-type feeling, while I think I'm seriously falling in love with her sister.

They are great friends, only 3 years apart, and talk about pretty much everything together. I have a very strong suspicion that my feelings are reciprocated, judging by the occasional flirting (that is easily chalked up to just teasing the g/f's family, and getting it back) and the fact that I've on more than one occasion caught her looking at me, for instance at cookouts, etc.

This isn't a sudden, quick thing, either. This started probably 9 months ago now, and it's just getting worse.

Thoughts?

My thought is that I'm screwed. I can't even bear the thought of losing either one of them from my life, but I don't want to go through life lusting after my wife's sister, either. I think if I were to broach the topic, they'd have a huge blow up and ruin their relationship, and/or one or both of their relationships with me.

Help? Please?

 

[bideau]

Thoughts?

My thought is that I'm screwed. I can't even bear the thought of losing either one of them from my life, but I don't want to go through life lusting after my wife's sister, either. I think if I were to broach the topic, they'd have a huge blow up and ruin their relationship, and/or one or both of their relationships with me.

Help? Please?

Wow, this is a tough one. Unfortunately, this is a no win situation.

You've got to start with situation #1. You state that "while I love my girlfriend, that is starting to fade into a friendship-type feeling". Without the sister in the picture, where would this relationship be headed? Can you picture yourself married to someone who you think of as "just a friend"? The important thing is to do what's right with regards to the current girlfriend.

Situation #2 is the sister. If you made an attempt to try to make your feelings known without resolving your feelings for your current girlfriend, it would likely blow up in your face. My gut instinct is that the sisterly bond would win out. Even if the sister feels the way you suspect, you are strictly off limits to her as long as your still in a relationship with your girlfriend.

I would put this question to you, If you discovered that the sister did NOT have the same feelings toward you, how would that change your view of your current girlfriend (as friends)? If you say it wouldn't change anything, then you may have your answer. If you say the opposite, then you still have some soul searching to do about your feelings for her.

If you ultimately decide that you can't see yourself married to your girlfriend, then at that point you've got nothing to lose. You can make your feelings known to the sister and let the chips fall where they may. If she rebuffs you, you move on with life. If she reciprocates, then the two of you will figure out a way to deal with the fallout.

All I can add is good luck.

 

[Oedipus Tex]

I've never held the view that there is ONE SINGLE person out there for everyone. I think that, had I not met her sister, I would have married my current g/f and been very happy. It isn't that I think of her as "just a friend," its that my thoughts are wandering, and she's just ... coming in second, I guess.

Let's put it this way: the change in my feelings about my g/f is a REACTION to meeting her sister, not something that stands on its own.

If I found out that the sister does not feel how I suspect she does...I don't know. As I say, I don't want to go through life in love with my wife's sister, regardless of her feelings for me or lack thereof.

So as much as I'm happy I met the sister, I probably would have been happier if she never existed.

The other thing is the relationship between the sisters: I get the feeling, though I don't know for sure, that sister would probably "ask permission" so to speak, before dating her sister's ex, particularly a serious ex.

 

[Guest]

Generally, I would have to say that your first instincts regarding not basing major life decisions on the input of perfect strangers on the Internet is probably sound. None of us have enough at stake here to provide meaningful input but putting your thoughts in writing might enable you to better frame your own thoughts. That said, allow me to jump in with both feet. Here's some quick hits.

....my girlfriend's younger sister is gorgeous.

We often watch movies as a threesome, for instance, and sit up and talk about them later on.

What jumps out at me here, reading between the lines a little bit, is that you have some doubts about your current relationship or you wouldn't be thinking about anyone other than your girlfriend. I ask myself, what would Sigmund Freud think of all this?

But seriously, your situation is very common. I think most people have doubts about relationships and start to take accounting of the situation when it gets more serious. If it wasn't her sister it would probably be someone else. Although, I have to say that I can remember a number of instances where I was also attracted to the sister of someone whom I was dating. I would encourage you to think about what you would feel like if you knew that she was no longer a part of your life. Try to get a better perspective on how much she means to you. Role play a little bit and try to put yourself in that situation (and hers). Is she in love with you? Maybe she thinks of you as a friend and is in the relationship out of convenience -- stranger things have happened. Only you can know that. Whatever you decide, don't make the mistake of taking it further to sort out how you feel. Figure that out first.

I am hard-pressed to offer advice on this other than to find ways to more closely understand your own feelings. But don't get caught up in intellectualizing it too much that you overlook the possibility of that threesome....

 

[Oedipus Tex]

Now lets not travel down that road. Incestuous lesbianism is certainly not either of their style.

Soul searching, check. On it as we speak. The only thing I can think of is that no matter which way I turn, I'm likely to end up with: A) Married to g/f, always looking back at sister; or B) Losing both of them.

 

[thomas144]

I only read the first message in this thread, so please forgive me if this has been covered before...

My advice is to stick with your original girlfriend. It's very common to be infatuated with one's girlfriend's younger sister.

One of my favorite short stories is by John Updike. I think it is called "The Other" (I have been searching for it online but can't find it). It's a story about a guy who falls in love and marries a girl he meets in college who has an identical twin. All his adult life he is infatuated with his wife's twin. Eventually, in his 50s, he is divorced and finally meets up with his wife's twin. He seduces her. The story ends with the line (this is paraphrased from my recollection of the story): "and in the end he realized, she was just another woman."

 

[Annihilus]

I've been through two wives, myself - so I'm sure you don't need any help from me. All I can tell you is that whatever decision you make, do it QUICKLY and don't look back. No hesitation, no changing your mind. I made that mistake once and it really messed me up for a couple years (and the women I was involved with).

I've since patched things up and all is good, but the intervening years sucked ass because of my indecision.

 

[Hawg73]

Now lets not travel down that road. Incestuous lesbianism is certainly not either of their style.

Soul searching, check. On it as we speak. The only thing I can think of is that no matter which way I turn, I'm likely to end up with: A) Married to g/f, always looking back at sister; or B) Losing both of them.

A classic angel-on-one-shoulder-devil-on-the-other quandary.

I don't envy your situation, but as a man married for 16 years I can vouch for the fact that you do not check your normal male libido at the door after you hear the words: "and now introducing...for the FIRST time....Mr and Mrs. TEX!!!.

You will probably continue to have attractions to other women from time to time and the craving to once again feel that special excitement that you only feel at the initial stages of a relationship will probably always be with you, but like drugs or alchohol - you can't go chasing particular buzz or it will prove to be an elusive devil. Successful marriage is a bit more of an endeavor of patience and acceptance (as you have no doubt heard) and less of a continual searing passion.

In your particular situation, my gut feeling is that it does not bode well for the future of the relationship with your g/f as a lifetime partner if you are already experiencing mixed feelings. At this stage you should be sure. Absolutely sure, for it will not get easier as the years pass. I would recommend not getting married until you can resolve this matter. Postpone things if the fog of indecision doesn't lift a little and the passage of time will make things clearer as it always does, but in my opinion you can't make a move until you KNOW for sure - one way or the other.

The human psyche is a vast and mysterious topic, and I won't attempt to probe those depths here, but if you are in fact thinking about seeing if the sister is equally smitten, then don't be terribly surprised if she suddenly turns on you like a pit bull and the bubble will burst with unparalleled swiftness. There is always the strong pull of wanting to experience that which is taboo and you need to make sure that you aren't falling into that particular trap.

The bond between sisters can be extremely deep and as you have already recognized, you could end up on the outside looking in having destroyed both relationships without intending to.

My wife has 3 sisters and they are psychically knit together in a manner that I can't fully comprehend, but it is astonishing at times.

You are correct to be searching your soul now, rather than after you are married as the stakes are a lot higher, although that is probably not much of a help right now.

If it helps, please think of the wisom of a piece of graffiti that I once saw on a Men's room wall that has stuck with me though the years: Remember, no matter how hot she looks - there is somebody, somewhere who is sick and tired of her sh!t.

Good luck Oed, time will sort it all out - it always does.

 

[BionicPatriot]

I would not say I am the best ever guy, as I have been through my pain and (yes once) tears over a girl. But your situation sounds alot like what recently happened to me. You see, me and this chick went out for awhile, we were a very good couple (we would always mess with each other, we could also love each other to the fullest and the trust was very good) We got along so well, everything was perfect. She was beautiful to me because of who she was and that was what made me love her in the end. I remember it started right after the ALCS series. Right after my heart broke, it awoke it an actual manner of joy.

I cant begin to tell you how much love I had for her, everything that was so special to me. But I remember, from time to time I always thought "Damn, this chick is hot and is really cool to be around" And I thought maybe this chick was not the one for me..and maybe others were. Things started turning into what they have for you as you call it. These "love" feelings that were once, so...how could you say it..."amazing" just began to fade away...feeling as if it is like a friendship where I talk to her alot. And this all began in February..the day after the Pats super bowl win. We split up because we got into a fight.

Now, for the longest time I was always was the type of "fighter" guy. I would never let **** die..no matter how hard the fight was. But this time, I did not even care. I could not bring myself to caring or wanting to fight for it. I failed to accept it, but the truth was I was Burned from the relationship..the fires of love had burned their should off and it was finally fading. Needless to say, later that night we were together again. And I thought, I am happy and all, but I still don't have that "amazing" feeling as I once did.

Later in the month..things were all normal. Than one night, we were talking, and it happened. Just as I suspected she lost interest as I thought I was. Now call me a pussy, or whatever..but this is a true story. We broke up...but this time was so different from the 99999999 times before. All those other times, I always knew it was a matter of hours before I had her back. This night, this night hurt..because I knew it..I could smell it..the death of it. The death of everything we had. And I could feel it. I learned that, I became spoiled much like you. From time to time, I thought of how I could get along easily without her..or how I am getting burned and everything was becoming "friendship" like. But boy, was I wrong.

The week after we split up, I remember her talking to a guy. That threw me through a roof. And everyday it has felt as if my heart was rotting away more and more. Sometimes I wondered was it worth it to even care anymore...about love, or anything. I was losing my will. I tried to play with fire as you could say, being cocky just as you. Eventually, as it stands today it still leaves me hurt. And thought it has barely been 3 months, the pain is still here in me. And sometimes it gets insane.

I think what you guys have sounds great. And I think you have a girl for you man. You see a chick who you think is beautiful and all of a sudden you are zoning out everything that matters. (Do you know if you could trust her, her personality?) All those are such question marks. And remember, you are really in a lose/lose situation.

Say you and your girl broke up. If you and her sis tried to get something it would piss her off and chances are she would be gone forever. A saying I live by everyday is, "Love what you have today, for tomorrow it can always be gone" And I think you really need to try and be more open towards your relationship. Or more positive, whichever sounds better. I think in a way, you want it to end because you want this girl. So I say, wait a while. See how your heart feels and WANTS. Then you can decide. Maybe you will realize you really do love this girl, or maybe you are burnt out. Time can only tell...

 

[Annihilus]

I know this isn't a popular thing, especially for guys, to do. But I think it would help you do your own personal due diligence.

By the way...I recently went through a slightly similar thing and seeing a therapist was crucial. I can't give you the details, but I'm so glad I did.

I wholeheartedly agree with that. My second wife and I went to a marriage counselor and as a result, determined that we were two people that had no business being married to each other.

Not the results the counselor expected or wanted, but it was what was best for us. Needless to say I don't regret the inconvenience of seeing a therapist at this point in my life.

 

[MrWhite]

This being said...to disentangle these questions and get clarity on what your heart/head/libido are telling you, I strongly recommend that you speak with a therapist.

ok, I'm tired of all this "serious" discussion, and screw the therapist..........

I say do them both.......

there, I said it, we are back in the gutter again j/k

 

[sir_drinkalot]

Marry the current g/f, take a picture of the sister in a compromising position for those "lonely" nights. No harm no foul.

Seriously Tex, If you can remember that you will never, EVER be happy long term with the female version of Oscar Madison, you may just make it. Time to take stock and be honest with thyself.

 

[pookie]

Wow, tons of good responses and advice to Tex, so a shallow bugger like myself couldn't add too much value.

But I will say this Tex. Take it from experience..... If there is any question in your mind (and I see there is) as to whether you should marry this current girlfriend, then don't even think about doing it. You'll spend the rest of your life wondering "what if". As for the sister, good luck with that. Perhaps it's just infatuation with her good looks and pleasing personality. My wife's sister is smokin' hot and I've "thought" about her before, but looking back I'm very glad I never did anything silly because now we have a good brother in law/sis in law relationship.

 

[Guest]

As usual, I am impressed with the level of response from our male membership here. From a woman's perspective, I think it's pretty enlightened.

All good advice, I agree Alice.

Now Oedipus Tex, there is one thing that I failed to address with my earlier remarks. You commented that the sister is a slob, but remember you aren't marrying a housekeeper. In this day and age most women are venturing out of the metaphorical cleaning closet into other rooms of the house. Today, you not only get a housekeeper, but a cook, a lover, a babysitter and a wage-earner to boot! Just because she can't clean isn't reason to abandon ship. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. My advice is to try her cooking and get a look at a few pay stubs while you're at it. You wouldn't buy a horse without riding it now would you?

 

[dchester]

OT,

I think this interests everyone so much because it?s something that everyone can relate to (if they?ve ever been in a long term relationship). The one thing I can say about it, is that it is very difficult to distinguish between love and lust.

As you?ve realized, there is no ?graceful? way to start dating the younger sister (unless there was a several year gap in between). It would tear the two sisters apart, and likely alienate the younger sister with her entire family. Also, it?s possible that some sibling rivalry maybe the motivation for the younger sister?s attention to you.

During our 20 plus years of marriage, both me and my wife, have had ?feelings? for some one else. One thing about our relationship, is that we actually can talk about things like this to each other. It is likely that your feeling for the sister will diminish over time, although it may not seem like it right now.

The way I see it, you have three viable options (although you know her better than any of us, so it is ultimately up to you to determine what is viable):
1) Stay with the girlfriend (while doing all you can to not to be around the sister), and determine if the feelings for the sister will go away.
2) Break up with the girl friend, if you feel the relationship is not worth saving (without telling her anything about the sister).
3) Tell her that you are troubled because you have lustful feelings for someone else (without saying who it is (at least at first)), and let the chips fall where they may. If your relationship survives this, you will know that you have something special.

If you haven?t guessed it by now, choice # 3 is the one I would be the most likely to do, followed by choice # 1. However, it?s what you think that ultimately counts.

Take care,

DC
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[Oedipus Tex]

All good advice, I agree Alice.

Now Oedipus Tex, there is one thing that I failed to address with my earlier remarks. You commented that the sister is a slob, but remember you aren't marrying a housekeeper. In this day and age most women are venturing out of the metaphorical cleaning closet into other rooms of the house. Today, you not only get a housekeeper, but a cook, a lover, a babysitter and a wage-earner to boot! Just because she can't clean isn't reason to abandon ship. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. My advice is to try her cooking and get a look at a few pay stubs while you're at it. You wouldn't buy a horse without riding it now would you?

1) She's Irish. What's that say about the cooking? For that matter, what's a good Brit like me looking at Irish sisters for, apart from typical rape and pillage?

2) She makes good money, but wants to stay home with children when they come.

3) She is a serious slob - like, Mt. Laundry, dirty dishes fill the sink and countertops and I can scrape them off when I need them.

4) Problem solved. I shagged her last night while my g/f was working a late shift. Sweet.

Anyway, she ended up totally seducing ME, and we didn't even talk about it until afterwards.

Just kidding. (C'mon, I got at least one of you!)

Anyway, great responses all around. I really do love my current g/f, and I'm glad I touched a nerve and stimulated good discussion. I'm not sure where this will go, but I'm certain that it isn't going to therapy, that's for sure *little pukie icon*. What is it with you Americans and therapy? Scared to talk to friends?

dchester - I've already had the "feelings for someone else" coversation with my g/f, on both sides.

Maybe I'll just start a cult and demand that both of them be my wives...Hmmm. Who was that Mormen girl in Utah? I should call that guy in prison and get some pointers.

 

[Hawg73]

[Maybe I'll just start a cult and demand that both of them be my wives...Hmmm. Who was that Mormen girl in Utah? I should call that guy in prison and get some pointers. [/B]

Ummmm, Oed - that girl was about 16. Don't make the same mistake I made when I publicly stated on this site that I wanted to bang the Olsen twins with Hilary Duff as their tag-team partner.

Somebody helpfully hipped me to the fact that they were well underage and I was pretty embarassed to say the least. I thought they all looked like they were at least 18, and just played younger on TV. Nope.

 

[Oedipus Tex]

Ummmm, Oed - that girl was about 16. Don't make the same mistake I made when I publicly stated on this site that I wanted to bang the Olsen twins with Hilary Duff as their tag-team partner.

Somebody helpfully hipped me to the fact that they were well underage and I was pretty embarassed to say the least. I thought they all looked like they were at least 18, and just played younger on TV. Nope.

Naw, I'm not into that "little girly" look. Although a look of innocence is nice. Oh, wherefore art thou, Katie?

 

[BionicPatriot]

Ummmm, Oed - that girl was about 16. Don't make the same mistake I made when I publicly stated on this site that I wanted to bang the Olsen twins with Hilary Duff as their tag-team partner.

Somebody helpfully hipped me to the fact that they were well underage and I was pretty embarassed to say the least. I thought they all looked like they were at least 18, and just played younger on TV. Nope.

Well Hawg, I must say, I am simply disgusted by your younger tastes. With that said...you wouldn't happen to have any "videos" or "pictures" of these girls?

 

[dchester]

1) She's Irish. What's that say about the cooking? For that matter, what's a good Brit like me looking at Irish sisters for, apart from typical rape and pillage?

2) She makes good money, but wants to stay home with children when they come.

3) She is a serious slob - like, Mt. Laundry, dirty dishes fill the sink and countertops and I can scrape them off when I need them.

4) Problem solved. I shagged her last night while my g/f was working a late shift. Sweet.

Anyway, she ended up totally seducing ME, and we didn't even talk about it until afterwards.

Just kidding. (C'mon, I got at least one of you!)

I confess, you had me going.

Anyway, great responses all around. I really do love my current g/f, and I'm glad I touched a nerve and stimulated good discussion. I'm not sure where this will go, but I'm certain that it isn't going to therapy, that's for sure *little pukie icon*. What is it with you Americans and therapy? Scared to talk to friends?

I agree, I think a good friend is better than a therapist any day.

dchester - I've already had the "feelings for someone else" coversation with my g/f, on both sides.

So don't hold out on us. What did she say about it?

Maybe I'll just start a cult and demand that both of them be my wives...Hmmm. Who was that Mormen girl in Utah? I should call that guy in prison and get some pointers.

If you're able to pull that off, would you be willing to provide a transcript that I could use with my wife? My argument of 50% less house work wasn't nearly persuasive enough.
o
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