PatriotsPlanet Official Joke Thread... :)

Share this page

this is a detective story so pay close attention....

Three elderly ladies are excited to see their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park.

The game is very exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely... mixing the Jack Daniels with soft drinks.

Suddenly they notice the bottle is almost gone and the game has many innings left to go.

based on the above information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?



It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded
 
Costaki Ekonomopolis (best guess at spelling) on Bob&Tom this morning doing a Johnny Carson Karnak thing:

Answer: A tuna fishing boat and Pro-Player Stadium.

<Envelope rips>

Question: Name two place to go see Dolphins slaughtered.
 
A mushroom is at a bar, and he sees an attractive lady, so he goes up to her and asks if he can buy her a drink. She looks him up and down with a raised eyebrow and says, "I don't think so." The mushroom, taken aback says to her, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"


:thumb:


(Note - this one works better read out loud)
 
A doctor walks into the bank. It's Friday, and he wants to cash his paycheck. He goes up to the window, and the teller says, "Excuse me, sir, you need to sign the back before I can cash this for you." So they doctor reaches into his pocket for a pen and pulls out..... a rectal thermometer. The doctor curses under his breath, "Dammit, some a$$hole's walking around with my pen."
 
drugs with 2 names

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names -- a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of

acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called
amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,
Dixafix and, of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally
pour himself a "stiff one." Obviously, we can no longer call this a
"soft" drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails" and "highballs."
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount & Do."

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs

and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with
them.
 
Long, but good.

Peyton Manning dies and goes to heaven. He checks in with St. Peter and is pointed in the direction of his house in Heaven. He sees his house, a small blue and white cape with a Colts flag flying in front. He thinks, "Ohh, that's nice." He then notices of on top of this huge hill a blue and silver mansion with Patriots flags flying everywhere. Angrily, he asks St. Peter, "Why does Tom Brady get that big house and I get this little shack! Who cares that he won seven Super Bowls and I only won one!?" St. Peter says, "That's not Brady's house. That's God's house."
 
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
 
Peg on 08-14-2007 at 03:59 PM said:
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
Click to expand...


Women are icebergs.
 
for those that like puns

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/MR71If6Zbvg"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/MR71If6Zbvg" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>
 
Thanks. A local station plays this song every rainy morning. I had never seen the video. Funny ass stuff.
 
Heard this on Bob & Tom this morning. Not a joke but something funny that really happened.

A listener wrote in and said he works as an ER nurse. A woman came in complaining of abdominal pain. He was going through all the routine questions, one of which is, "Are you sexually active?"

The woman thought for a moment and said, "No, I just lie there."

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
 
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of
two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The
boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before
but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
 
OSUBuckeye on 08-27-2007 at 12:40 PM said:
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of
two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The
boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before
but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
Click to expand...
ROFL Best ROFL Joke ROFL Ever ROFL
 
Subject: Doctor's Office


They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have
to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other
patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way
this old guy handled it.



An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?"

There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this

room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor

in private."

The man replied! , "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
 
Subject: THE VET


Don't think I want to be on the bad side of this vet!! Funny!


One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted
the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next do or to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!..................
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said, to which he whirled
around and screamed, ' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
Things you can ONLY Say at Thanksgiving!

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these

people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle it all at once!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING
 
This one was going around my work today in an e-mail...

A truck driver is waiting at a red light when he hears a frantic knock on his door. He rolls down the window to see a blonde standing there.

"Excuse me, sir," the blonde says, "I thought you'd want to know you lost some of your load back there."

The light turns green so the driver takes off. At the next red light he glances in his mirror and sees the blonde running up to his door again.

"Sir, you lost some more of your load!" the blonde says, exasperated.

Again the driver takes off when the light turns green. At the next red light he looks in his mirror and sees the blonde pulling up behind him again. This time he gets out of his truck and walks back to her car and raps on her window. She rolls it down and blurts, "See?! You've been losing more and more of your load this whole time!"

The truck driver sighs and says, "Lady, it's winter in Wisconsin, and I'm driving a salt truck!"
 
For Claremonster, in honor of his ability to lock a thread, LOL. Solidarity, brother!

A Cheyenne guy went to Chinatown in San Francisco. While there he found a bronze rat at a thrift store. "How much do you want for the rat" he asked. "$3 for the rat and $1000 for the story that goes with it" said the shopkeeper. "Just give me the rat," the Cheyenne said, and then he left with it. As he walked down the street he noticed a couple of rats following him. As he walked further, more and more rats started chasing him. By the time he got to the bay, there were thousands of rats chasing him. So he climbed up a pole and threw the bronze rat into the water. To his amazement, all the rats jumped into the water.
The Cheyenne then returned to the thrift store. "Ahh" the china man said. "Now you would like to hear the story?"
"No" said the Cheyenne, "I just came back to see if you had any bronze white men!"
 
I need to quote a joke from the locked thread.

Originally posted by VYF
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Click to expand...

This is one of my all time favorites. At one point in my youth, my father had a home office setup as he was in a regional position with Goodyear at the time. Between store managers, district folks, corporate, and the fact that I guess it was the thing during the time, his fax machine was constantly rolling off jokes and such people were sending to him (email was really only just going mainstream at the time). I remember when this one rolled in, I spent hours giggling. I've actually been on a quest to find some of the good ones he got, especially the visual jokes.

Two I remember were the Avon Dual Purpose Powder Puff, and one for a new funeral parlor offering different price plans. The powder puff was a lady powdering her neck, but when folded and turned upside down, well... you get the idea. The funeral one started with a nice elaborate scene around the casket, flowers, candles, the works, with a note "Jewish Funeral, x amount of dollars". You folded the ends over themselves and it was not quite as nice, but still there. Labeled some other religion or culture (can't remember) for x amount of money. The third fold left you with a trash can, and if I remember correctly, it was labeled for pollock funeral, $3.50 or something like that. For the life of me, I've never been able to find images of those two.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top