Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

oldbagfan

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I don't know about you guys, but I need all the laughs I can get right about now. If you know any good jokes, please post them here. And remember: this is NOT a political forum. I'll start:

"Senior Sex --

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

ROFL
 

chevss454

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:huh:A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"





A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
 
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oldbagfan

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I guess people just aren't in the mood for telling jokes right now. :frown:
 

Hawg73

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Did you hear about the two snails that got into a nasty fight?

.

.

.

Yeah, they were really slugging it out.
 

O_P_T

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I guess people just aren't in the mood for telling jokes right now. :frown:

CT got pummeled by the Tropical Storm on Tuesday, 700,000 customers without power, including me.

I live on a dead end street with about 7 houses on it and branches took down the lines. So i expect to be one of the last to get power back.

I’m living the dream: cold showers and warm beer :coffee:

Ice is harder to find than toilet paper in March
 

Hawg73

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In general, I prefer one or two-liner jokes, but this classic is an exception:



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson Go Camping


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
 
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oldbagfan

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Did you hear about the two snails that got into a nasty fight?

Yeah, they were really slugging it out.

Arg. How bout this old standby:

Q: What do you call an Irishman you can leave out overnight?


A: Paddy O'Furniture.

hyuk
 

BostonTim

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Did you hear about the Helen Keller Doll?

Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Cheers
 

spacecrime

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A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a bear and a mop."


A penguin's transmission breaks down but luckily there is a repair shop close by. While the mechanic is checking out his transmission he walks across the street to an ice cream shop where he gets a cone of vanilla.

It's hard to eat with his beak while holding the cone with his flippers and he gets ice cream all over his face.

He walks back into the repair shop and asks, "What did you find out?"

Mechanic says, "looks like you blew a seal."

"Nah," says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "I just had an ice cream."
 

chevss454

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 
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oldbagfan

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Starting to have fun now! Thanks, everybody.

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch
and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect
your ranch for your water allocation. The old rancher says, 'Okay, but
don't go in that field over there.' The Water representative says,
'Mister, I have the Authority of the Federal Government with me. See
this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any
agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself
clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about
his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the
Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so
the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his lungs.............................


'YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD
 
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oldbagfan

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One more (from real life):

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 

AnOldTroll

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
'My friend is dead! What should I do?' The operator replies, 'Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead.'
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the hunter says, 'OK, now what?'
 
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