Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
 

Heisenberg gets stopped for speeding. Cop says, “Do you know how fast you were going back there?” “I'm not sure", says Heisenberg,​

"but I can tell you just where I was.”​

 
A mother and her young son were driving when a dildo fell out of the garbage truck in front of them and bounced off the windshield. In an attempt to distract the kid the mother says “ that was just an insect honey”. To which the kid replies “ I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”.
 
These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Insults then, had some class!

1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde

9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.

22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

【PS】
 
Elderly blind man shuffles into a women's Biker Bar.
He feels his way to the bar, takes a stool and orders a beer.
He senses and hears women talking around him and loudly says,

"Anyone want to hear a blonde joke?"

A woman sitting next to him says'

"The bartender has a baseball bat and she's blonde. The blonde woman sitting next to me is a professional weight lifter. The woman on your other side is a blonde professional wrestler, the blonde woman beside is the bouncer for this bar and I'm over six feet tall, a black belt in karate and I'm blonde." She took a breath and then said, "Still want to tell a blonde joke?"

The old smiled and said, "Nahhh. I don't want to have to explain it five times."
 
imapig said:
I’m a virgin
Click to expand...
like a virgin madonna GIF
 
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads...
 
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