Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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My inappropriate yearly Christmas joke:

Q: Why doesn't santa Claus have any kids?

A: He only comes once a year and that's down the chimney.
 
New Year's Eve at the Tiproast house:

TR: That's a really good idea, babe, putting an ice bucket at the foot of the bed. But I didn't bring any champagne.
Mrs. TR: That's not an ice bucket, that's my feet.
TR: Oh, I guess I should call you Frosty the Toe-Jam.

Things got even frostier after that.
 
it's no joke what the Sandwich (Cape Cod) MA Police Department have to deal with in the local jokers they encounter

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DECEMBER 17,2023
Officers responded to a report of a person in a white van illegally cutting down trees. The individual turned out to be a contractor who was hired by homeowners. It was all legal. Now if they had been living in the van down by a river, that would be a problem. The whole call didn’t result in jack squat. :lecture:

DECEMBER 18, 2023
An angry individual called to request dispatchers contact Eversource to report her power was out. She had already done so but was upset that her power was not restored. Dispatchers explained that the company was aware as the problem was widespread because of the intense storm. The caller was not satisfied. :jerkit:

DECEMBER 19, 2023
An adult woman came into the station on advice about her legal rights within her mother’s home. The woman was upset her mother went into her room without permission. The officer suggested having her own place would be the best way to avoid the situation. :)

A fogged up window caused a motorist to drive over a curb onto the median at Jan Sebastian Way causing damage to the vehicle, a road sign and planters. Which is why we warm up the car and defrost the windows before driving it. :D

A motorist reported another driving too slow. Officers spoke to the driver who said they were driving at a reduced speed because of the time of day and lack of light. :blink:

DECEMBER 20, 2023
An officer who was parked on Route 6A observed a vehicle with a loudly revving engine drive past his location at a high rate of speed. The officer followed and caught up with the vehicle at a red light at the intersection of Route 6A and Main Street. When the light turned green, the vehicle rapidly accelerated to a speed greater than the posted speed limit. The officer pulled the vehicle over and when asked if they knew why they were pulled over, the individual stated, “It must be the sports car I’m driving.” :cute: After an investigation, Hannah Ruth McGrath 34 of East Sandwich was arrested for the following:
90/17/A Speeding
90/24/J OUI Liquor
90/24/E Negligent Operation of Motor Vehicle

DECEMBER 22, 2023
A nursing director at a local rehabilitation center called to report the on again off again girlfriend of an employee was calling and harassing her. The woman was unable to get in touch with her paramour :ohbaby:and wanted the nursing director to do so on her behalf.

A woman in Sandwich called to report she saw her dog was being threatened by an individual at an address in North Carolina via a security camera. :unsure:The caller was provided with the phone number for that local police department. :biggrin:

DECEMBER 23, 2023
An individual called to report a loud party. Being it was December 23, it’s probably safe to assume the gather was a Festivus celebration with guests airing their grievances. :lecture:Officers responded and the group agreed to shut it down for the night. No word if they ever got to the feats of strength. :ROFLMAO:Maybe after a year of working out in our awesome new gym SPD officers will take part in 2024. :beer:
 
Smart man!


Subject: Irish drinking Bet
I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers.
I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
 
There was this boy from Mexico named Jose and he wanted to come to America to watch a baseball game. So, he set off on his journey to a baseball stadium in the US. He finally arrived at a stadium but it was a sold out game. Jose was very sad! So the man selling tickets said"I'll tell you what. I'll get you in the game but you're going to have to sit on top of the flagpole. So Jose was very happy and went into the game.
When he arrived back home in Mexico his mother asked him how he liked America. He replied "Oh I had such a good time mama and the Americans were so nice to me. Before the game they all looked up at me on the flagpole and asked "Jose can you see"?
 
A minister is checking into a motel, and he says to the clerk:

"I certainly hope the pornography channel in my room is disabled."

"No, it's just regular pornography, you sick fuck."
 
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”
Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Cameron answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle . . . It’s Sarah Palin!”
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s not Sarah Palin . . .
It’s David Cameron!”
 
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