I need some advice

Should I go or no?

  • Yes

    Votes: 7 53.8%

  • No

    Votes: 3 23.1%

  • Round up some zombies and turn it into "Night of the Living Wed"

    Votes: 3 23.1%
  • Total voters
    13

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Some advice, please

I think I know what most of you are going to say, but let's put it to a vote.

Here's the story: in two weeks my cousin (i.e. the daughter of my aunt who just passed away) is getting married. The wife and I have been invited, of course, and are trying to decide if we should go.

The reason we may not go is her husband-to-be has some serious issues. Examples:

1) After they had been together for a while he started accusing her of cheating on him with every male she spoke to, spoke about, looked at or was looked at by. One time she went to his house (he was living with his folks while he was building his own house on their land) and he wasn't home, so she stayed for a while and talked to his dad. In most relationships one partner having such a pleasant repartee with the other's parents would be a good thing - not in this one, he actually accused her of messing around on his with his dad!

2) But wait, it gets better. I've learned from experience that a boyfriend or girlfriend constantly accusing the other of infidelity, even when there is no basis for such a conclusion, can be a sign that the accuser is actually guilty of infidelity. Sho nuff, one day my cousin got a call from another woman who said she was pregnant and guess who the daddy is? He denied it up and down, but when the baby was born and a DNA test was done, guess what?

3) As if that wasn't bad enough, the guy is a state trooper. For a while my cuz grew tired of his BS and tried to break it off. On more than one occasion while he was on duty he drove up to her house (even though state troopers are only supposed to patrol state roads). When she wouldn't let him in, he sat in his car outside her house for hours, regularly radioing in bogus locations to the dispatcher. Other times he would spot her on the highway and pull her over for no reason.

4) When my mom got sick again in 2003, cuz was fired from her job with a computer business, in part because she was getting so many personal phone calls at work. (Three guesses who was calling.) So cuz offered to come stay with my folks for a few weeks to help my mom with the physical therapy she needed. Since she wanted to get away from Officer Norman Bates, she didn't tell him - or anyone - where she was going. Only she and her folks knew. While she was gone, Norman quickly overloaded the answering machine at her house AND at my aunt and uncle's house. My aunt got so fed up that she took the answering machine tapes to Norman's supervisor at the state patrol office. (You can just guess how much good that did.)

Well somewhere along the line she got back together with this neanderthal, and then this past Christmas announced that they were engaged. I'm sure my aunt was happy about that. They were going to get married this fall, but moved the wedding up when it became apparent my aunt might not live that long.

My brother is concerned Norman is going to kill her. He's seen it happen - he served in the National Guard with a woman who had a very jealous, possessive husband. One day he decided he would make sure she wouldn't cheat on him by hacking her to death, cutting her body into pieces and burying her in the backyard. (When the cops arrested him they put a Kevlar vest on him in case any of the victim's Guard buddies decided to "requisition a round" into his head.)

Mrs. TB says she feels no obligation to go to the wedding because cuz blew off ours. What happened was we invited her only to find out she had already been asked to stand up in another wedding the same day. Which was understandable, except that first we were told she was going to back out of the other wedding as she felt it was more important to come to ours. Then, when we never got an RSVP, we were told that for one reason or another she wasn't able to back out of the wedding. Thing is, SHE never told us anything. I heard everything from her mom. And would it have killed her to send the RSVP card back? We put stamps on all of them, sheesh.

On the one hand, I'm tempted to agree with Mrs. On the other, it seems a bit immature to do a "tit-for-tat", "you didn't come to my wedding so see if I come to yours either." On the one hand, by going to the wedding it could be insinuated that we approve of the marriage, which we don't. On the other, maybe this guy actually has changed and is a halfway decent human being now. On another, it's arguable it's not our place to "approve" or "disapprove" of her choice of a spouse anyway. On yet another, by not going we may be playing right into his hand, driving a wedge between us and drawing her closer to him.

So, please advise.
 
The short and quickie response......she has to learn on her own that she is in a bad situation, you telling her will just alienate her. Go to the wedding...tit for tat sucks and you should show her you support her. Your aunt would want you there and you know that, so honor her.
 
Go support to your Cousin, I assume you and her are close as she aided your mom's therapy and you appeared close to her Mom.


BUT

once you are there if it appears he is being a tool just get up and leave
 
Someone needs to put a stop to this wedding! That would be the best situation. There will be physical abuse with much violence in this marriage. Another tragedy in the making......
 
Huh? I thought I deleted the post before anyone could read it? (I screwed up and hit "enter" when I was trying to post the poll.)
 
Stop confusing me!! I replied in the other thread!;)
 
Spentcartridge said:
Someone needs to put a stop to this wedding! That would be the best situation. There will be physical abuse with much violence in this marriage. Another tragedy in the making......
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easier said than done, how do you do this?

as an outsider looking in yeah it makes sense but I doubt she is going to listen to reason at this point....the only hope is he gets cold feet and fails to show
 
mikiemo83 said:
easier said than done, how do you do this?

as an outsider looking in yeah it makes sense but I doubt she is going to listen to reason at this point....the only hope is he gets cold feet and fails to show
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Yeah, short of an abduction or sudden affliction by one of the parties marrying.....:shrug:
 
Years ago, my cousin dated someone who sounds eerily similar to this guy. When she broke it off, he stalked her,calling her 50 times a day at work, at home, called her parents. She ended up getting back together. They ended up married. After a year of literally not being able to leave the house because the arguments at the end of the day weren't worth it, she decided to leave him. Only family knew where she was living. One day she was going into work at the nursing home she worked at in Quincy, and he came at her, stabbing her 25 times, and she died.

Moral of the story, the warning signs are there. You and your family should sit this girl down before the wedding and tell her just what her life is going to look like a few months after she's married. People that are jealous, insecure, controlling, and manipulative to the degree that they stalk will abuse or kill. They don't change; they only get worse. Once they're married, he will consider her his "property."
 
PatsFanLisa said:
Years ago, my cousin dated someone who sounds eerily similar to this guy. When she broke it off, he stalked her,calling her 50 times a day at work, at home, called her parents. She ended up getting back together. They ended up married. After a year of literally not being able to leave the house because the arguments at the end of the day weren't worth it, she decided to leave him. Only family knew where she was living. One day she was going into work at the nursing home she worked at in Quincy, and he came at her, stabbing her 25 times, and she died.

Moral of the story, the warning signs are there. You and your family should sit this girl down before the wedding and tell her just what her life is going to look like a few months after she's married. People that are jealous, insecure, controlling, and manipulative to the degree that they stalk will abuse or kill. They don't change; they only get worse. Once they're married, he will consider her his "property."
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This is my exact take on this wierdo!!!!!:thumb: I've heard of this same scenario too many times!
 
I say yes for two main reasons:

1) She's family and could probably use some support after going through her mom's passing; and

2) You've got a golden opportunity to approach her husband-to-be and whip out the old "If you do anything to hurt her, I'll kill ya" line.

Oh, and 3) Open Bar?
 
tommysgirl said:
Stop confusing me!! I replied in the other thread!;)
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I just thought he had two cousins

PatsFanLisa said:
Years ago, my cousin dated someone who sounds eerily similar to this guy. When she broke it off, he stalked her,calling her 50 times a day at work, at home, called her parents. She ended up getting back together. They ended up married. After a year of literally not being able to leave the house because the arguments at the end of the day weren't worth it, she decided to leave him. Only family knew where she was living. One day she was going into work at the nursing home she worked at in Quincy, and he came at her, stabbing her 25 times, and she died.

Moral of the story, the warning signs are there. You and your family should sit this girl down before the wedding and tell her just what her life is going to look like a few months after she's married. People that are jealous, insecure, controlling, and manipulative to the degree that they stalk will abuse or kill. They don't change; they only get worse. Once they're married, he will consider her his "property."
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wow that stinks, my question is how do you do that without being alienated? the woman just lost her mom and I assume is feeling a little alone to begin with because of the relationship. She may be looking for something to occupy the void, someone to love her and take care of her and blindly believes this nut is the person.


TB did they get back together around the time your aunt got sick?
 
BY1401 said:
Oh, and 3) Open Bar?
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I'll take a bucket of scotch.

m4_bobkelso.jpg
 
mikiemo83 said:
I just thought he had two cousins

wow that stinks, my question is how do you do that without being alienated? the woman just lost her mom and I assume is feeling a little alone to begin with because of the relationship. She may be looking for something to occupy the void, someone to love her and take care of her and blindly believes this nut is the person.


TB did they get back together around the time your aunt got sick?
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You are 100% correct Mikie...you will only alienate her. It sucks but it's true. Her mother's passing only compounds the problem.
 
Tough call.

Does she know of your concerns? Have you talked to her about it?

I would probably go, since she's family and all, but I would have a heart-to-heart prior and tell her of your concerns.
 
I would go but then I would tell the groom that she's cheating on him as I was going through the reception line. If there is a band, tell him that she's cheating with one of the band members.

He doesn't deserve peace of mind and will cause a big row. She may leave him right after the wedding if she has any brains. Not for everyone, but that's how I'd like to handle it.
 
No.

You go to a wedding if you condone/approve of it. You don't.

You go to a wedding out of a feeling of reciprocal generosity, for someone who was at yours. She wasn't.

Tell her why you won't be there. Maybe if enough people say it to her, she'll get it.
 
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