Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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Two blonde ladies go deer hunting. One shoots a buck. They track it, gut it, and then each takes hold of a hind leg and they start dragging it out of the woods. They cross paths with another hunter who is surprised to see two ladies dragging a deer. He asks, "Did you ladies kill that deer by yourselves?" One blonde responds, "Yes, of course we did, we can do anything we put our minds to". The other hunter then said, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you know that deer are easier to drag by the antlers?" The other blonde said, "Yes of course we know that, but doing it that way would take us away from our truck!"
 
I'll try a couple.

A Scotsman goes to heaven and is told by St Peter that it is divided into nationalities with all the best bits. He can choose any room.

He goes to the French one and they're all eating great food, drinking fantastic wine and talking philosophy. He is quite impressed.

He goes to the German one where they're drinking great beer, eating piles of Wurst and so on.

He points to a room at the end of the corridor and asks, "Who's in there?". St Peter replies in hushed tones, "Oh, that's the English and they think they're the only ones here".
 
gomezcat said:
I'll try a couple.

A Scotsman goes to heaven and is told by St Peter that it is divided into . .
He points to a room at the end of the corridor and asks, "Who's in there?". St Peter replies in hushed tones, "Oh, that's the English and they think they're the only ones here".
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Good one. And good for you. Anybody who can poke fun at themselves is a somebody I'd like to know.
:hello:
 
A husband says to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"



A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"



After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”


A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
 
A man and his wife are lying in bed. The man reaches over and strokes her pelvic area: "Honey, if that gave eggs, we could get rid of the chicken." A bit later he reaches over to touch her breast. "Honey, if that gave milk, we could get rid of the cow."

At this point, wife turns over and grabs husband's dick. "Honey, if that got hard, we could get rid of your brother."

:D
 
RoadGrader said:
where I grew up in Boston we had "Mummy-Mummy" Jokes we would share while sittin around the street corner



I only remember one:


-------------------------

Mummy-Mummy, why is Johnny's face all drippin red?


Shut up and pass me that other hammer


:rimshot:


http://jokes4all.net/mommy-mommy-jokes
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Here is another:

Mommy, I want some milk.

Shut-up and drink your beer.
 
A priest is walking by a bar when a drunk sitting on the sidewalk says, "I'm Jesus Christ."

"No, you're not," says the priest and starts to walk on,, but the drunk jumps to his feet and says, "I am. I'm Jesus Christ."

He is so earnest that the priest has compassion and says kindly, "No, son, you're not and you shouldn't say such things."

"I'll show you," says the drunk and grabbing the priest's arm drags him into the bar.

The minute the bartender sees the drunk, he exclaims, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?"
 
For our pal, Piggy:


A farm equipment salesman was traveling in Northern Vermont on a sunny spring day. He pulled into the dooryard of nice looking dairy farm, got out of his car and stretched.

Just then, out of the barn door came the farmer followed by pig, honest to god, with a wooden leg.

The salesman thought it was pretty bizarre, but not wanting to offend just said “ Howdy, lovely place you got here, and that’s some pig you got.

Oh you heard about him? Said the farmer.

No said the salesman.

Well let me tell you about him, says the farmer. Two weeks ago Ol’ George and I was playing checkers after supper. Suddenly we here bang bang bang at the door. We run over and there’s my pig, agitated a hell and squealing like, well like a pig. Then he runs off toward the barn and George and me follow him. We get there and there’s a small fire smoldering in an empty stall. We put it out no sweat. Damn pig saved the farm!

Wow that’s incredible says the salesman.

That ain’t nothing says the farmer. Last Friday night this drunk comes up the road from town goin’ eighty, runs off the road and slams into that telephone pole right over there. Piggy runs over pulls the unconscious stiff out of the car thru the window and into the field seconds before the damn car explode. Saved his life!

UNBELIEVABLE says the salesman.

Hell that ain’t nothing said the farmer. Just two days ago I’m out on the tractor plowing the lower forty – hit a soft furrow and flipped the damn tractor. I land under it, the engine case has me pinned to the ground. I can’t breath. Close to dead as I ever been. But Piggy comes charging down from the barnyard, takes that snout of his’n and digs the dirt out under me and drags me clear. Thank God for Piggy.

Holey mackerel says the salesman, that is stunning. Just phenomenal. Never heard anything like it. But can I ask you just one question.

Sure says the farmer.

Well, please, what’s the story with the wooden leg???

Hey says the farmer… great Pig like that, you don’t just eat him all at once.


Cheers
 
Guy comes into the tavern and takes a seat at the bar. "Barkeep, give me two shots." After being served, the guy drinks one and throws the other one one his hand.

A bit later, guy orders two more drinks. Same deal: he swallows one and throws the other one on his hand.

After the third repetition of this, the puzzled bartender asks, "Say, what are you doing, buddy?"

"Oh," replies the guy, "I'm just getting my date drunk."

:rimshot:

---------- Post added at 02:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:23 AM ----------

Guy is sitting at the bar when a foxy little thing sidles up to him and whispers in his ear, "For fifty bucks, I'll do anything you ask me for in three words."

Guy thinks for a moment, then says, "OK. Here's the fifty. Paint my house."

:dbanana:
 
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Big Piney, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he finished , the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would of happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball? The barber replied "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
 
oldbagfan said:
Good one. And good for you. Anybody who can poke fun at themselves is a somebody I'd like to know.
:hello:
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It's important, I think. There's too much emphasis on self-aggrandisement, at the cost of being able to take a joke. Twitter (on both sides of the political divide) is full of the professionally offended.
 
This one can be adapted for any country. I've heard the British and Russian (well, Soviet) versions. I reckon it started life as a Soviet joke.

Spetsnaz, the Red Army and the KGB were on a training day together. The instructor told them to catch a rabbit and bring it back dead.

Spetsnaz went first. As befits their Special Ops status, they went off quietly, made no noise and reappeared with a cleanly killed rabbit.

The Red Army went next. There was crashing, banging and explosions. Finally, they re-emerged with a rabbit, albeit extremely mangled.

The KGB went next. They reappeared with a squirrel. The instructor admonished them and demanded they catch a rabbit instead.

Hours passed with lots of swearing and shouting. They emerged with the same squirrel who was bloodied and battered. The instructor was furious and berated them again.

The KGB leader turned to the squirrel and said, "Go on! Tell them!".

The squirrel replied "Alright! I am a f***ing rabbit!".
 
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his 5-year old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, they dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."
 
A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
 
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