Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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St. Patrick's Day brings out the Irish jokes:

Paddy says to Mick "I'm ready for a holiday, but this time I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy, and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to France, and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks "So what are you going to do differently this year?"
Paddy replies "This year, I'll take her with me"
 
more St. Patty's day jokes -

Old man Murphy and old man Sean are contemplating life, when Murphy asks, “If you had to get one or the other, would you rather get Parkinson’s, or Alzheimer’s?”
“I’d rather have Parkinson’s” , Sean answers.
“And why is that?” asks Murphy.
“Because it is better to spill a couple of ounces of Jamison whiskey, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!”
 
Paddy: "look at the flock of cows"
Murphy: "herd of cows, you deft bastard"
Paddy: "of course i've heard of cows, there's a flock of them over there ya feckin dope"
 
Here's the winner of the Vile Puns category of the 2021 Bulwer-Lytton Awards:

One time at the hoagie shop the actress Ms. O'Hara asked what the tiny pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar-bread sandwich was and I had to respond: "Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."

Fr. Jerry Kopacek, Elma, IA


And here's a dishonorable mention from the same category from the 2020 awards:

With a whole Holst of problems Mahler Liszt unRaveling from the Verdi beginning, Chaz was the most clueless employee ever at SCHUBERTTER BELIEVE IT!, but the straw that Baroque the camel's Bach—that led his supervisor to finally fly Orff the Handel—was watching as Chaz lost his balance while attempting to climb a ladder with his arms containing the entire store inventory, and he decided once and for all that Chaz was destined for the Chopin block.

Amy Torchinsky, Chapel Hill, NC
 
Last edited:
Patriots44 said:
St. Patrick's Day brings out the Irish jokes:

Paddy says to Mick "I'm ready for a holiday, but this time I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy, and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to France, and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks "So what are you going to do differently this year?"
Paddy replies "This year, I'll take her with me"
Click to expand...
True Killer. :rofl:

Cheers
 
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
" I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?"
"No, " croaks the old man.... " but it's startin' to twitch."

WTF JOKES 18+
 
Abraham Lincoln: It was right after the revolution, right after peace had been concluded. And Ethan Allen went to London to help our new country conduct its business with the king. The English sneered at how rough we are and rude and simple-minded and on like that, everywhere he went. 'Til one day he was invited to the townhouse of a great English lord. Dinner was served, beverages imbibed, time passed as happens and Mr. Allen found he needed the privy. He was grateful to be directed to this. Relieved, you might say. Mr. Allen discovered on entering the water closet that the only decoration therein was a portrait of George Washington. Ethan Allen done what he came to do and returned to the drawing room. His host and the others were disappointed when he didn't mention Washington's portrait. And finally his lordship couldn't resist and asked Mr. Allen had he noticed it, the picture of Washington. He said he had. Well, what did he think of its placement? Did it seem appropriately located to Mr. Allen? And Mr. Allen said it did. The host was astounded.
[British accent]
Abraham Lincoln: "Appropriate? George Washington's likeness in a water closet?"
[normal voice]
Abraham Lincoln: "Yes," said Mr. Allen, "where it will do good service. The world knows nothing will make an Englishman shit quicker than the sight of George Washington."
 
"My Dad has Irish Alzheimer's, forgets everything except the grudges".

Compliments of Detective Eames from Law & Order.
 
Spring is sprung,
The grass is riz.
I wonder where the birdies is.

The Bird is on the wing.
But that's absurd,
the wing is on the bird.
 
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