Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

TipRoast

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Ok, this is an old one, and many here have probably heard it before.



A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



If you liked that one, then you should read Isaac Asimov's Death Of A Foy.
 

Patriots44

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I didn't read all 11 pages so apologies if repeating......

(short "dad" jokes)

- They say make-up sex is the best kind of sex. that's good, because all my sex is made up

- My penis was once in the Guinness book of world records.... then the Librarian called the police
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A sister and her brother are stuck behind a garbage truck in traffic​


Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield.
To save her brother‘s innocence, the sister goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!"
To which her brother replies: "Damn, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women.​


Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress; You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Three friends are stuck on an island and find a genie​


The genie grants them one wish each.

The first man says: "I miss my family so I wish to be home again." The genie claps his hand and the man disappears.

The second man says: "I too miss my family so I also wish to be home again." The genie claps his hand and the man disappears.

Then the last man says: "I miss my friends, I wish they were back here."
 

foobahl

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Posted by
u/Buddy2269

2 hours ago


I have just retired.​

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Long
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
 
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