Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

OSUBuckeye

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PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk

STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels

ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
 

OSUBuckeye

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If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it...​

does is lay on the ground, or lie?
 

HSanders

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lol
we're not in the woods. we are barista-ing at a coffeehouse while we figure out what to do with our liberal arts degrees since we don't want to teach or be lawyers. 😁
 
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TipRoast

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we're not in the woods. we are barista-ing at a coffeehouse while we figure out what to do with our liberal arts degrees since we don't want to teach or be lawyers. 😁

I find it amusing that people will poke fun at English majors using a communications medium that is based on text - the same medium that Melville used for Moby Dick.

(I'm not trying to pick on you, HS, or on OSU - I liked those English major jokes.)

I had a double-major in liberal arts as an undergrad - Mathematics and English Literature. I have done a little teaching (computer science), but have not practiced law.

Sometimes, when the topic of worthwhile degrees come up, I ask people what their favorites movies are. And often the replies include titles like "The Shawshank Redemption" or "The Wizard of Oz" or "The Lord Of The Rings" or "Gone With The WInd" or "West Side Story" or any of dozens of others. That sometimes, but not always, leads to a discussion of what kinds of books make good movies, and how much better the book is than the movies, and how much fun it is to get engrossed in a good book.

Certainly one doesn't have to get a degree to enjoy reading for its own sake, but if a person does enjoy reading and is going to do it anyway while in college, why not get credit for it? One of my favorite courses was called Realism In Film and Literature. One of the works we studied was The Caine Mutiny - the novel, the play, and the film. The course was a lot of fun, and the films were shown in the evenings. I thought at the time, and still do today, that it was a very worthwhile investment of some of my time as an undergraduate.

Now the question one might ask is this: did that course, or my English degree, help me get a job? Perhaps not directly, but I've noticed over many years that my writing skills have helped differentiate my work from some of my colleagues (many of whom are much smarter than me, but don't communicate as well). My studies in English may not have helped me get a job, but those studies have enhanced my career, and my life outside of work as well.

What's funny is that after I retire, I will probably start roasting my own coffee beans. I've looked into it a bit; a small roaster is about the size of a toaster oven, and not very expensive. I don't have plans to wind up working in a coffeehouse, but one never knows what the future may have in store.



Since this is a joke thread, try this one:


What do you call a leper in a hot tub?




Stu
 
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HSanders

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As always, interesting post Tip! you are one if those rare people with both science and liberal arts proclivities, very cool!
i definitely poke fun at my degree, but like you, have become the "writer of memos", etc. knowing how to write effectively definity helps in most every profession. and there are a lot of lawyers who are such good writers that i enjoy their books.
 

Hawg73

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Yah, I wish is was better at English, but I have some trouble with.....ummmm......those things.......whattaya call em? Shit, this is embarrassing and I know that I should know it..........uhhhhhh............oh, yeah......WORDS.
 
OP
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In Shul last Shabbat, I heard a sweet elderly lady in a nearby pew saying a prayer. She was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you .

“Avinu she'ba'shamayim (Our Father in Heaven): This last year has been very tough. You have taken my favorite actors Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas and
Diana Rigg; my favorite television host, Alex Trebek; Carl Reiner from ‘Your Show of Shows’; my favorite singer from the 50’s, Little Richard; even Charlie Daniels and Kenny Rogers,
my two favorite country-western singers; and from sports you took Gale Sayers and my favorite basketball player Kobe Bryant.”

“I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, and Lindsey Graham." Amen


ps - I wanted to post this in the "Political Humor" thread, but it said it was closed for further posts. I've been MIA for about a month. Has something happened? I no longer even see a drop down in the menu for the "Politics and Religion" forum. Somebody please fill me in. Thanks
 

foobahl

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Posted by
u/HumNasheen

17 hours ago

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Take My Energy

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.​



Longnsfw
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tries to take the step, but only to discover that she could not.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reaches behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! ! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."
 

patsload

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My daughter calls this a "dad joke"

Once upon a time a child was born but he was only a head, he had no body. As he grew older his mother would place him on the table by the window and he would watch the other children running and playing. One day through the miracles of science the boy was given a body. He was so excited he ran out of the house and was hit and killed by a car.

What's the moral of the story?



























quit while you're a head.
 

johnlocke

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A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.
"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.
"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.
A few seconds later though, he sees something gaining on him in his mirror, fast. He just barely catches a glimpse of the little girl on her bike as she shoots past him. "She must be going 80 miles per hour!" he shouts, and shifts into a higher gear, pushing the car even faster.
He quickly blasts past her as if she were standing still. But again, just a few seconds later, she shoots past him, now doing over a hundred miles an hour on her little bike. Going so fast, sparks and smoke are streaming from her training wheels.
After another few seconds, he comes to a curve where he sees the little girl crashed in a heap on the side of the road. He pulls over and jumps out to see if she's okay. Miraculously she's survived. So he asks, "Why did you go so fast?"
Just as she falls unconscious, the little girl replies, "my streamers got caught on your mirror!"

That is horrible but absolutely hilarious. :rofl: :high:
 

johnlocke

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I find it amusing that people will poke fun at English majors using a communications medium that is based on text - the same medium that Melville used for Moby Dick.

(I'm not trying to pick on you, HS, or on OSU - I liked those English major jokes.)

I had a double-major in liberal arts as an undergrad - Mathematics and English Literature. I have done a little teaching (computer science), but have not practiced law.

Sometimes, when the topic of worthwhile degrees come up, I ask people what their favorites movies are. And often the replies include titles like "The Shawshank Redemption" or "The Wizard of Oz" or "The Lord Of The Rings" or "Gone With The WInd" or "West Side Story" or any of dozens of others. That sometimes, but not always, leads to a discussion of what kinds of books make good movies, and how much better the book is than the movies, and how much fun it is to get engrossed in a good book.

Certainly one doesn't have to get a degree to enjoy reading for its own sake, but if a person does enjoy reading and is going to do it anyway while in college, why not get credit for it? One of my favorite courses was called Realism In Film and Literature. One of the works we studied was The Caine Mutiny - the novel, the play, and the film. The course was a lot of fun, and the films were shown in the evenings. I thought at the time, and still do today, that it was a very worthwhile investment of some of my time as an undergraduate.

Now the question one might ask is this: did that course, or my English degree, help me get a job? Perhaps not directly, but I've noticed over many years that my writing skills have helped differentiate my work from some of my colleagues (many of whom are much smarter than me, but don't communicate as well). My studies in English may not have helped me get a job, but those studies have enhanced my career, and my life outside of work as well.

What's funny is that after I retire, I will probably start roasting my own coffee beans. I've looked into it a bit; a small roaster is about the size of a toaster oven, and not very expensive. I don't have plans to wind up working in a coffeehouse, but one never knows what the future may have in store.



Since this is a joke thread, try this one:


What do you call a leper in a hot tub?




Stu


OMG, so much this and too funny, man.
 

johnlocke

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I find it amusing that people will poke fun at English majors using a communications medium that is based on text - the same medium that Melville used for Moby Dick.

(I'm not trying to pick on you, HS, or on OSU - I liked those English major jokes.)

I had a double-major in liberal arts as an undergrad - Mathematics and English Literature. I have done a little teaching (computer science), but have not practiced law.

Sometimes, when the topic of worthwhile degrees come up, I ask people what their favorites movies are. And often the replies include titles like "The Shawshank Redemption" or "The Wizard of Oz" or "The Lord Of The Rings" or "Gone With The WInd" or "West Side Story" or any of dozens of others. That sometimes, but not always, leads to a discussion of what kinds of books make good movies, and how much better the book is than the movies, and how much fun it is to get engrossed in a good book.

Certainly one doesn't have to get a degree to enjoy reading for its own sake, but if a person does enjoy reading and is going to do it anyway while in college, why not get credit for it? One of my favorite courses was called Realism In Film and Literature. One of the works we studied was The Caine Mutiny - the novel, the play, and the film. The course was a lot of fun, and the films were shown in the evenings. I thought at the time, and still do today, that it was a very worthwhile investment of some of my time as an undergraduate.

Now the question one might ask is this: did that course, or my English degree, help me get a job? Perhaps not directly, but I've noticed over many years that my writing skills have helped differentiate my work from some of my colleagues (many of whom are much smarter than me, but don't communicate as well). My studies in English may not have helped me get a job, but those studies have enhanced my career, and my life outside of work as well.

What's funny is that after I retire, I will probably start roasting my own coffee beans. I've looked into it a bit; a small roaster is about the size of a toaster oven, and not very expensive. I don't have plans to wind up working in a coffeehouse, but one never knows what the future may have in store.



Since this is a joke thread, try this one:


What do you call a leper in a hot tub?




Stu

I never studied English really but I had read every book in my HS curriculum before I got there. Classic literature, western philosophy, politics, and civics. Crazy when I think back on it now.

My point is while I write very conversationally on social media my other voice is quite different as some have seen and that voice was built almost by osmosis from all the reading I do. Really pretty cool, actually.
 
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