Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

HSanders

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I cannot believe no one liked that commercial i posted.
 

Hawg73

Mediocre with flashes of brilliance
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I wanted a new mattress, but I couldn't afford the pricey Memory Foam model, so settled for the Repressed Memory Foam one.

Now It gives me nightmares about that unfortunate episode from Boy Scout camp .

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I used to wrestle back in High School.

I wasn't on the team or anything, but I had a retarded brother and he was wicked strong.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.
"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.
"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.
A few seconds later though, he sees something gaining on him in his mirror, fast. He just barely catches a glimpse of the little girl on her bike as she shoots past him. "She must be going 80 miles per hour!" he shouts, and shifts into a higher gear, pushing the car even faster.
He quickly blasts past her as if she were standing still. But again, just a few seconds later, she shoots past him, now doing over a hundred miles an hour on her little bike. Going so fast, sparks and smoke are streaming from her training wheels.
After another few seconds, he comes to a curve where he sees the little girl crashed in a heap on the side of the road. He pulls over and jumps out to see if she's okay. Miraculously she's survived. So he asks, "Why did you go so fast?"
Just as she falls unconscious, the little girl replies, "my streamers got caught on your mirror!"
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.​


They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.
After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."
The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"
The man replies, "That would be amazing."
The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own fucking blanket!"
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Two big girls walk into a bar​


Walks into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."
"How long it's been since his last confession?"
"I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?" the priest asks.
The old man replies, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A guy goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. In fact, I've committed all seven deadly sins in a single day."
"All seven?" Says the priest. "Do explain."
"Well, Father, I was stuffing my face with more food than I could possibly need myself..."
"Ah, yes," The priest says, "gluttony is a very serious sin indeed."
"...while I should've been at work..."
"Yes," says the priest. "Sloth is a very serious sin indeed."
"...when I happened to see my neighbor pull up in his new Corvette." He continues.
"Oh no," says the priest. "Envy is a very serious sin indeed."
"So I got it in my head, 'why should he be so lucky? So later in the night I went over to his place and knocked on the door planning to give it to him..."
"Oh no, my son," The priest says, "wrath is a very serious sin indeed."
"... but his wife answered the door instead in lingerie, so we did it all night long."
"My son, lust is a very serious sin indeed."
"That's not all, father. On my way out, I saw his Rolex on the nightstand so I snatched it."
"Greed is a very serious sin indeed, my son."
"I know. So anyways after that I knew I had to come to confession today."
"I don't mean to probe, my son," says the priest, but you've only told me about six of the seven deadly sins. Surely you don't take pride in what you've done, do you?"
The man beams and says "Well I'm bragging to you, aren't I?"
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A priest in small town was retiring and town threw him a party. Everybody was there but mayor send message he'll be a bit late but party should start without him. Well, the parishioners want priest to make a speech so he does. "Well, when I came to this town all those years ago I was shocked. I'm not breaking the seal by telling you that the very first person I heard confession from confessed he was cheating on his wife, had a child with his mistress and was stealing at work. Well, I feared what den of depravity this town is but in time I realized it's full of fine people. So thank you for all those wonderful years." By that time mayor has arrived and calls for attention. "We are all saddened to see father here leave us. He was such an important part of our community. And believe it or not I was the first person at confession once he started his work."
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A priest asks a man to take over for confession while he runs to the bathroom. The man agrees. A woman walks in for confession:
Woman: “I’m sorry father, I’ve done terrible things”
Man: “It’s alright my child, the lord will forgive. What sins have caused you to come here”
Woman:”Well father, I’ve given oral sex to my boyfriend so many times... honestly I did it before I came in here and I’m afraid I’ll do it again.
The man thinks to himself and looks at the confession cheat sheet. He sees there’s nothing relating to blow jobs and quickly peaks out for help.
The man finds an alter boy and waves him over. Man, whispering: “hey what does the priest normally give for a blowjob”
Alter boy:”I don’t know about you but he normally gives me two snickers and a Yoo-hoo”
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Johnny didn’t know what to wear to his Premature Ejaculation Support Group​


So he just came in his pants
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.​


“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
 

Giant Octopodes

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I was trying to find things to do to fill the time while stuck at home, so I went to the local library. I wasn't expecting to find a tremendous selection, but I was stunned when it turned out they only had a single book. I asked them what was going on and why they didn't have more, and they told me there was just no room. After all, it's only a one story building.
 

Number Cruncher

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How did Helen Keller burn her face?

She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side of her face?

They called back.
 

BostonTim

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How did Helen Keller burn her face?

She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side of her face?

They called back.
reminds me of the old Helen Keller Doll, you wind it up and it walks into walls.
 

OSUBuckeye

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When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.
 

HSanders

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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.​

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
 

HSanders

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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.​

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
 

HSanders

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NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.​

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
 
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