Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

OSUBuckeye

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A college student walks up to a farmer asks:​

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Well, Sir. I am an educated man and I think I can."

The farmer allows him to go and a few hours later the student comes back with two overstuffed bags.

"See, Sir. I told you I'm educated."

The farmer is amazed.

A few weeks later, the same college student comes up the drive and says "Excuse me sir, but on the west end of your property, I saw some honeysuckle, and I was wondering if it would be okay to get a few jars of honey?"

The farmer says "Come on, Son. Everyone knows you can't get jars of honey from honeysuckle. But go ahead."

A few hours later, the student returns with two big jars of honey.

"See, sir? I've told you I'm educated."

A few weeks later the student returns a third time.

"Excuse me, Sir? I couldn't help but notice that on the far south end of your property, you have some pussywillow."

"Son" , the farmer says. "Let me grab my hat."
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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As a practical joke I arranged a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door.​


He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!
 

OSUBuckeye

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Boomers: When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.

Generation X: When life hands you lemons, create a business to market lemon juice as a healthy, low carb, low sugar variation to lemonade. Make millions.

Millennials: lol, as if anyone would just "hand me" some lemons.
 

OSUBuckeye

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Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny.

The teacher asks Sally who our Lord and savior was. Little Johnny pokes her in the ass with a pin and she yells "Jesus Christ!" And falls back to sleep.

A little while later the teacher asks Sally who created our world. Johnny poked her in the ass again with a pin and she screams "my god!" And falls back to sleep.

Later the teacher asks Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fourth child. Johnny pokes her in the ass with the pin again and Sally screams "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!" The teacher faints.
 

OSUBuckeye

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A boy was with his dad when he saw a butterfly and killed it, the dad said that the boy could not have any butter for the next week.. a few weeks later the boy killed a honey bee the dad said: no honey for a week! shortly after the boys mother killed a cockroach, the boy turned to his dad and said: " are you going to tell her, or shall I?
 

Pape

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I love this one. Second only to March 14, 2016 (or 2015 if you're into truncating rather than rounding)

While I was teaching, we used an alternative approach. We cut the Pie at 1:59 PM.

Cheers
did i ever post my PI, Patriots style graphic?

maybe the small version a few years ago... bigger now ... 901 players, 1707 digits of pi...
 
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OSUBuckeye

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Two sex workers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”
 

OSUBuckeye

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Study finds that the most popular fetish among Millennial is...​

Role playing as a couple that owns a house.
 

BostonTim

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Wife was sitting on the sofa with her husband while sipping on a glass of wine. "I love you" she said.

Is that you or the wine talking? laughed the husband.

It's me darling, but I'm talking to the wine.
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
 

OSUBuckeye

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home for dinner.​

His family sits down to eat and he knows both of his kids are picky eaters so he doesn’t tell them what it is. As they eat the kids keep asking what it is they’re eating. Finally the dad says “it’s what your mother sometimes calls me” The first kid looks up at the other as yells “spit it out it’s asshole”
 

OSUBuckeye

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A hunter shot a rabbit and his wife made a stew with it​

They all ate well and were very content.

A couple days later, his daughter walks in and she says:

"Dad, i went to the toilet and peed shotgun pellets. What's wrong?"

"Ah shoot!" exlaims the dad "i just remembered I forgot to clean them out of the carcass. Call the rest of the family, we should go to the doctor. I'll get the car"

Then the son walks in white as a sheet

"Dad dad! I was..."

"I know son, relax. You peed pellets too?"

"No dad, I was wanking behind the shed, and then I somehow shot grandpa dead"
 

OSUBuckeye

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Dave is a well known, respected hunter, known to be the best in the state.​

One night, he is sitting in a bar with some friends, and an out of state hunter stops in the bar.
He overhears Dave’s friends talking about how he’s the best and says, “there is no way he is the best hunter in the state!”

So Dave bets him that he can not look and guess what an animal was an how it died by its fur. For every one he gets right, the hunter will buy him a beer.

Thinking he can’t possibly do this, the hunter agrees. He gives Dave a skin, and after a pause, he says “black bear, killed by a .308 rifle.” He was right, and got a beer.
Another bar patron went and got a pelt from his car trunk and gives it to Dave. After a few minutes of feeling the fur, Dave says “Elk, killed by a 7mm rifle.”
He was right again, and swigged another pint.

This went on long through the night, with the hunter and other patrons bringing Dave pelts and furs, giving him beer after beer, until he stumbled home drunk of his ass. He woke up the next morning with one hell of a shiner, and asked his wife “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it! What happened?”

“You didn’t get in a fight, I gave that to you.”

“You? But you’re my wife. Why would you hit me?”

“Because last night when you came home, you came into bed next to me, put your hand down my panties and loudly declared ‘skunk! Killed by an axe!’”
 

Patriots44

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A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street when they see a young boy playing in his yard
the Priest says to the Rabbi "do you wanna fvck him"?
and the Rabbi says "Out of what?"



(excuse me while I just let myself into hell :coffee: )
 

Big/Sky/Fly

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A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street when they see a young boy playing in his yard
the Priest says to the Rabbi "do you wanna fvck him"?
and the Rabbi says "Out of what?"



(excuse me while I just let myself into hell :coffee: )
Again, a lot of truth in this joke...via both of their highest superiors.
 
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