Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

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A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, It’s not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, It’s not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, It’s not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”​

“Ten years!” he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.​

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”​

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”​

He replies, “Ten years!”​

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.​

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”​

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”​

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there?”​

 
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the heck is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!"

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."
 
OSUBuckeye said:
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the heck is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!"

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."
Click to expand...
i'm laughing at this more than i should...😄
 
Sabrina, a sexy young blonde, was watching the evening news with her much older husband, Ernie, when the newscaster announced, "This just in… Six Brazilian men have plummeted to their deaths in a group skydiving accident…"

Upon hearing this, Sabrina suddenly started crying uncontrollably, much to the surprise of her husband. She was barely audible when she mumbled, "That's so sad…"

Confused by his young wife's sudden emotions, Ernie attempted to console her. "Yes dear, it's sad, but they were skydiving, and there's always a risk involved, and I'm sure they knew that…."
After a few minutes, Ernie's young blonde wife, still sobbing uncontrollably, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"


Stolen from Barstool
 
PumpDee said:
Sabrina, a sexy young blonde, was watching the evening news with her much older husband, Ernie, when the newscaster announced, "This just in… Six Brazilian men have plummeted to their deaths in a group skydiving accident…"

Upon hearing this, Sabrina suddenly started crying uncontrollably, much to the surprise of her husband. She was barely audible when she mumbled, "That's so sad…"

Confused by his young wife's sudden emotions, Ernie attempted to console her. "Yes dear, it's sad, but they were skydiving, and there's always a risk involved, and I'm sure they knew that…."
After a few minutes, Ernie's young blonde wife, still sobbing uncontrollably, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"


Stolen from Barstool
Click to expand...
Six
 
it's no joke what the Sandwich (Cape Cod) MA Police Department have to deal w/ in the local citizenry

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NOVEMBER 29, 2023
A call was received about a sofa left on the front lawn of a local church. We know it’s the season of giving but trust us, Jesus doesn’t want your old couch.

DECEMBER 1, 2023
Must Be Angry Women Day

Multiple officers were dispatched to the area of Snake Pond at approximately 3 a.m. for reports of a group fighting in the roadway. Upon arrival officers met three women who were engaged in a verbal confrontation over a man and other life issues. :ROFLMAO: Two of the women expressed concerned for the well-being of the third friend. That woman’s father arrived at the scene and took his daughter home.

Officers responded to a home for a report that an angry woman had smashed her domestic partner’s windshield with a rock. When they arrived they found that had in fact happened. Officers mediated and stood by while the person with the smashed windshield gathered their belongings to stay elsewhere for the night.

DECEMBER 2, 2023

A caller reported that traffic was backing up as the result of an erratic vehicle driving slowly and unable to maintain a lane. Officers went to the known address of the vehicle owner. The individual reported they were fine, just being cautious. :beer:
 
A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.

"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."

"You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there."

"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."
 
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