Anybody Know Any Good Jokes?

Pats24

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The army recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through many retirement plans but nothing seemed to please everyone. In the end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my balls." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God man!" he said, "where are your balls??"

"Vietnam," smiled the general. "I'll take my check".
 

TipRoast

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True story:

We recently moved to an apartment complex, and earlier this week Mrs. TR asked one of our neighbors how many kids she usually get for Halloween. The answer was zero.

After telling me this, Mrs. TR looked at me and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

I replied: "Full-size Reese's Cups and York Peppermint Patties?"

And she said: "Abso-freaking-lutely."
 

OSUBuckeye

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A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
 

foobahl

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A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
Shouldn't the end of that been if you had just let me finish.
 

Hawg73

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A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

Reminded me of this tasteless, offensive joke (you've been warned, but if you're sensitive then you're in the wrong thread):


A young construction worker has a lot of trouble showing up for work on time, drinks too much, never has any lunch etc., etc.

An older worker takes him aside and tells him he's got to get himself sorted out by finding a good girl and getting married or the boss is going to fire him.

Kid says he's had no luck meeting any nice girls and he's about given up on the whole thing.

Old guy says, well, what about my daughter?

Kid says, ummmm, nothing personal, but your daughter is not only ugly, but she is mentally retarded.

That is true,
the old guy replies, but you can train her to do anything you want her to do and you can always put a bag over her head when you want to have sex.

The kid considers that, thinks it over for a couple of days and decides that it's not such a bad idea and he marries the daughter.

Not long after, the happy couple are outdoors doing some work on their new house. He climbs a ladder and asks his new wife to get him the hammer

She happily repeats get the hammer, get the hammer, get the hammer..... and gets it for him.

Good, he says, now get me the nails.

This time she repeats, get the nails, get the nails, get the nails.....and hands them up to him. The kid starts hammering away until he mashes his thumb with
a bad swing and screams AHHHHH, FUCK!!!!!!

She smiles happily and heads off saying: get the bag, get the bag, get the bag.......
 
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